dont know why I'm putting this on here - i guess just getting it off my (not very large) chest will help me a bit - but i hope it will also encourage others to give recovery a try. I would be really grateful for any advice, support and comments people would like to offer.

Day 1 - 24/09/07

I am so nervous its untrue. I have been anorexic, to some degree or another, for the past 7 years, since i was 16 - i am now 23 and whilst my anorexia is no where near as bad as it used to be it still contols much of my life and i am tired of it. I have been in 3 clinics ,seen too many doctors to count and told my story so many times i can recite it in my sleep. WHilst most people my age are out having lives and trying to find potential partners (one of my friends just got married ) I am stuck in my own little world where calories are calculated down to the last one using calculator and kitchen scales - my idea of being adventurous is having a few grapes outside of my calorie allowance!

And so we come to today - the day i hope to try and get some form of normalacy back in my life. The problem is I've forgotten what normal eating is and what foods i genuinely used to like. For so long i have come up with reasons for not eating things that when i look at most foods i instantly think i cant have them. I guess a major part of this is going to be about learning - learning what i like , how certain foods make me feel etc
My first challenge of the day is going to be lunchtime. I am at home at the moment ( I am a uni student) and, like many students, i dont roll out of my bed until about 12 - that means i dont finish breakfast until about 1. Up until now i have been having my 'lunch' at about 4.30 - normally a big salad with a modest amount of protein -nothing too filling as i then eat dinner with my family at about 7.30. So how am i going to try and be normal today at lunchtime? I want to have a decent lunch but dont want to be so full that i cant eat my dinner - i guess i have 5 hours to figure that one out.
I always make all my own food - i have littl etrust in anyone - not since i found out my mum was doing cheeky things to my milk. It makes sense for me to carry on with that because when i go back to uni i wont be able to rely on my mum to make my food - so i may well start the way i mean to carry on. Tonight they are having roast chicken,mash, carrots and broccoli for dinner - i used to love that meal - part of me want to have it but i am worried it wont fill me up - and i really dont want to look like a pig in front of my family. I am thinking that i wont have i this time but maybe wait until i've built up my confidence a bit ....but maybe that is the wimps way out.
Anyway,apologies to those of you who have no interest in reading this, feel free to ignore it from now on and many thanks to those of you who find time to respond.

xx

Baby Blue,

I have diary upon diary of my thoughts and feelings.
I find it helps so much.

Sometimes I read them back and see how low I used to be, the obessive calorie counting adn fretting over a yoghurt. It brings it all back but also lets me see how far Ive come since then.

Do whatever helps you

And enjoy your roast dinner :-)

x

youre doing really well!:)

a salad for lunch is good, and if you feel nervous about going away from this, try a salad with more protein and a slice of bread or a small baked potato to add some carbs? i find pasta on salad delicious!

the roast sounds great - lots of veg to fill you up but not make you think 'oh my god what have i eaten!'
at first you might find that you feel full easily, or quite the opposite - you never feel full, but just keep at it. your body is trying to work out what it needs, and will be relieved to have food!

big hug
leenie

DAY 2

So yesterday for my lunch i had a pitta bread stuffed with some turkey breast and low fat guacamole with some salad on the side. My head started playing tricks with me part way through and before i knew what i was doing i found myself rinsing the guacamole off the turkey - not all of it - just most. Anyway i finished the rest (including the rinsed turkey) It was hard afterwards but my mum was really supportive.
My little sis (also with an ED) had told my mum that she didnt want mash for dinner so she cooked new potatoes instead and i had what they had - roast chicken, new potatoes, carrots and broccoli. Afterwards i felt a bit disappointed - the mash was supposed to be a challenge for me as it would have had butter and milk in it and, as a result, my dinner was no more than my usual calorie allowance for dinner time - but i guess it was a start. I then had a muller lite yoghurt and a big bowl of fruit a little while later.

So today had been an ok day so far - breakfast i can always manage fine - although it takes me a while to eat it - and then i found myself thinking about what to have for lunch for the rest of the day. I trawled Waitrose looking for things to buy - out of habit every thing i picked up had its calories scrutinised. I debated buying myself a small beef steak to have for dinner but chickened (excuse the pun)out - i havent eaten meat in such a long time and i did really used to love it - part of me now is wishing i had bought it - but i kept telling myself i had such a lot of other food to eat in the fridge and one thing i hate is food wastage - i often find myself eating food that is out of date (as long as it looks and smells ok) For lunch i decided on a turkey bacon and avocado salad with a Ryvita (3 slices of turkey bacon, half an avocado) i had a little blip by weighing the avocado but it made me feel a bit mroe reassured that i wasnt eating loads - although i fell quite short of the 300 - 350 cals i had wanted to reach for lunch time. And so to dinner....the rest of the family are having sausages, beans and pitta breads - there is no way i am having that - i guess i could have quorn sausages but i also have loads of fish in the fridge (special offer at sainsburys) so i might have that instead - at the moment though i am not hungry at all.