Hello,

This is the first time ive posted on this board. Maybe im writing all this down to get it all of my chest or looking for opinions/advice I dont know.

Anyway, Dh and I have been married fo 20 year, we were childhood sweethearts.  Two years ago, he had an affair, and we got over it.  I decided to stay with him.  Looking back now, I think I really just stayed with him because of our children, and because if I left I wouldnt have anywhere to stay.

Anyway, recently Ive been very very resentful of him, and im looking at him in a totally different way from what I used to, but he himself isnt helping matters.

The last couple of years (since before the affair), I think he has become more arrogant, and he always seems to be full of his own self importance.  No one elses opinions matter, he seems to do what he wants to do, and doesnt seem to consider anyone elses feelings.

When he had the affair, I was so upset, and I lost an awful lot of weight (I had about a stone to lose anyway, but, I lost more than that), I lost it very quickly because basically I was staving myself and making myself sick.  I eventually told my husband this, and he didnt say very much, didnt ask why i felt the need to do this.  Anyway, Looking back, I always remember how he kept saying I looked brilliant, how sexy I was.   After everything died down, I stopped making myself sick, and started eating again, but the eating was to the other extreme, I was binging on food, and in a short period of time, I put all my weight back on, and more.  Now I have about 3 stone to lose.  I dont go to the gym because, basaically I cant be bothered. I dont sleep very well at night (this has always been a problem for me so it isnt new), therefore Im very tired during the day.  We live in a very large house, have 2 messy children, so I have that to deal with too.  He is always on my back about my weight saying he wants me to look a million dollars.  TBH I do to, but, the more he goes on about my weight, the more rebellious I become about it, and the more determined not to lose weight, so it makes me binge on food even more.

I was getting very depressed in the house all day especially as the children are now at school, and was finding myself crying all day so I decided to look for a part time job.  I called my previous employer and asked him if I could use  his name as a reference and he sayd yes, and he also offered me a temporary job until Christmas.  My husband wasnt happy with this, and we had a huge row.  He doesnt want me to work, and he told his friend that he was going to miss is friday afternoons at the gym and going golfing because he would need to pick the kids up from school. Now before anyone asks, I do believe he is going to the gym and golf because he is going with his friend.

Yesterday, he was out with his BIL watching football, and my sister was in the pub, and they got talking.  My sister asked him why he wasnt happy with me working, and basically as big row errupted in the pub, and my husband started shouting, and my sister started shouting.  He ended up saying things like he would go to the gym with me 7 days a week, or he would give up his gym time so that I could go to the gym.  My sister and also his sister (she came to the pub to pick them up), was saying that he should love me for me no matter how I look, but he was saying at the moment im Catherine Zeta Jones, but he wanted me to look like Angelina Jolie????????

I was soo mad at him (and also my sister, she should never have said anything to him because I told her those things in confidence). I cant believe he was saying these things in public about me. My sister said he was bringing me down, and I asked his sister if he was doing this, and all she said was that "no one should be saying those things about their partner", so I dont know what else he was saying.

He kept saying to my sister that the only things that mattered in his life were me and the kids and he just wanted to best for us, but, his actions dont seem like this.  He never spends any quality time with the kids, whenever my oldest (12) has a problem he always comes to me, never his dad and he always says dont tell dad, cos he knows what hes like.  His dads asnswer for everything is violence (type of family he was brought up in im afraid)

With all these things that have been going on the past couple of weeks, Im just like I cant be bothered with you, and I honestly think if he walked out on us, I would be perfectly happy. 

Another thing that bugs me about him is sex.  ATM I cantr bear him to touch me.  In May I got the minerva (sp) coil put in, and Ive had nothing but problems with bleeding since then, so we havent had alot of sex.  I get really bad cramps with this too, and my boobs get really sore, but, he still keeps pestering me for BJs and he keeps grabbing me whenever Im not feeling well, and grabbing my boobs when they are sore.

Gosh, the more I write down, the more of a dislike I take to him.  I really could just take the kids and get the heell right out of here.   I havent been happy for a long long time, and I really feel with the things he is saying to me, he will destroy me.

Sorry for the rant.

wow, not good is it?

He has an affair, doesn't care when you're unwell and may have developed an eating disorder and has the balls to tell you you're not allowed to work?

Makes my H look like a saint.

No real advice as I'm going through a tough time at the moment too, but wanted to acknowledge that someone has read it and that it's not you - it's him!

(((hugs)))
Liz

Hi,

Welcome to the board, Well. Im shocked it sounds like you are in an allful situation. I hope writing that down has put things into perspective for you. Honestly he doesnt deserve you, the sisters are right, he should love you for who you are.

I am concerned that you may have an eating disorder that I really think you need to speak to the doctors about. They may be able to put you in the direction of local groups who can help with your issues.

Hope you find the answers you need,

Melx

Your post could have been written by me a few years ago - my ex husband treated me the same way and you're right that he will destroy you it carries on.   His behaviour towards you is abusive and controlling and there's no excuse for it - if he won't accept responsibility and make a genuine effort to change then I'm afraid things are unlikely to improve for you in the near future.  

My ex husband was very abusive towards me, told me I was fat, ugly and useless and that I should be grateful he put up with me because no other man would look at me twice.  I lost all my confidence, became severely depressed and although I was aways on the large side, my eating got out of control and I piled on more weight which gave him more ammunition to insult me all the time, and it sounds like you're in the same kind of horrible vicious cycle as I was.  I only put up with him because I couldn't face being a single mum to my disabled daughter living in some horrible flat on benefits, so I decided to wait till she was old enough for me to be able to work without having to worry about childcare. That was in the days before tax credits and help with childcare costs - if they had existed then I would have left a lot sooner.

I'm not surprised you can't bear to have sex with him - why should you want him near you when he insults you constantly and has no respect for you or your body.  It's totally unacceptable for him to grope and pester you when he knows you're not well, and I don't blame you for not wanting him near you.  I spent most of my time avoiding any kind of physical contact with my ex and actually slept in my daughter's room as much as possible, only giving in occasionally to keep the peace. 

It sounds like his behaviour is bothering the kids too.  I learned that however much you try to protect them and make life as normal as you can for them, they do notice things and it does affect them.  If your son feels he cannot go to his dad for anything, it shows that he doesn't feel comfortable and things could get more difficult as he gets into his teens.

Only you can decide what to do for the best - you're obviously unhappy, you sound like you don't want to be with him any more but when there are kids to think about it's not that easy just to up and leave.  It's worth getting in touch with Women's Aid just to talk things over with a professional to get some support.  They can help you look at your options and give you the information you need to help decide what you want to do. You may feel that you're not ready to leave just yet and want to stick it out till the kids are older, in which case they might be able to help you find ways of coping.  For me, leaving my abusive ex was the best thing I ever did.  It was hard at first but it soon got easier and I'm now happily married to my lovely second husband and looking forward to a good future.

I hope this helps a bit, and I hope things improve for you soon, whatever you decide to do.

Good luck

Well although he moans about you to lose weight and gives you all the 'million dollrars' crap, he's still pestering youhave  inspite of everything ! Your pain and discomfort too !

My Partner is being an absoloute shit too . . .  i have a fibroid, i have had to re-learn to walk again after an accident and a back that has decided to mis-behave 4 times in the last year and still he continues to grab my boobs and jam his fingers btwn my legs at the slightest opportunity !  This man disgusts me, Yes he's looked after me on/off since 2007 when i had my accident but after awhile all he cares about is his huge hard-on and satisfying himself ! Although he does try to convince both of us that he's not selfish by ensuring i have an orgasm too !!!!!!

After 3/4/5 days of no sex/contact it starts to feel as if he dislikes me and an atmosphere of tension builds! I can't read in peace, i can't get up in peace and i can't even open the curtains and put the radio pn in peace . . .  and this is the radio low and the curtains only slightly open !  If I want to go out he has to accompany me 9 times out of 10 !

I so much want to leave . . . .  he sent me to casualty in 2006 for a facial x-ray after a beating to the head.

I can't work at the mo and it's so difficult to save and at my age (42) i feel so ashamed to go into a womens

refuge or shelter!

Good luck to you anyway,

xxx