My Dad passed away last November.  He was an alcoholic.   His death was in no way due to alcoholism, but I am confused about my Mothers reaction to it all.

She stayed with him for 46 years and yet complained bitterly that she had an unhappy marriage and life.  Why did she not leave him?  She did not love him (she told me this after he died) .  I thought it was the grief talking and that she must have loved him to stay with him for so long.  It is almost a year since he died, and I asked her again if if was true and she said yes.   She said she felt sorry for him. 

I have no sympathy for her to be honest.  She made a rod for her own back.  She bitterly complained that she had a very unhappy life and yet it was her choice to stay with him and now she confesses to me that she never loved him, so why stay with a man you dont love when you could get out of the situation and be happy.  I asked if she only stayed with him for my sake and she said no.  

I then said, I met someone who also married an alcoholic but she divorced him after only a year and met someone else and was much happier.   My mum said to me that if she could have met someone else decent to look after her and me she would have left my father.  

What springs to my mind is this:

My mother could have left my father and made a life for her and me on her own.   Just because she never met another man who was decent enough to look after us properly, doesnt mean to say she had to stay with my dad and then complain about her life.  It was her choice to stay.  She could have left and she had a good job as a teacher so she was more than capable of being able to support herself and me financially.  No, instead she punished herself by staying in a bad marriage.   Now my dad is dead, she tells me she is glad he is dead.  Again, I thought it was the grief talking because she said this just after he had died and again, I asked her again almost a year after his death if she was still of the same opinion and she said yes.

I really do not understand it.  It would appear that my mum was frightened to make a go of a life on her own without a man so rather than have no man she put up with second best, and a man whom she only stayed with out of pity because she felt sorry for him.

Either she is lying to herself or she is lying to me.   You dont stay 45 years in an unhappy marriage unless you love the person and my mum has said on more than one occasion that she only stayed with him because she felt sorry for him.   He thought she loved him.   He genuinely loved her.  

Hi Poster

I have heard of people who have stayed in unhappy marraiges rather than leave and start a new life.

A couple I knew,one refused to leave as she worried she would not cope financially on her own,they own a house,it would have to be sold etc etc and the other can't face the thought of life as a single person and starting all over again.

So I do think some people could live their lives "second best" but personally,it's not for me.