Why would someone live for over 40 years with an addict, and then when the addict dies, say that they only stayed with them because they felt sorry for them? 

My parents stayed married for 45 years until my dad passed away almost a year ago.   Now my mother says she is glad he is no longer here to hurt her and that she led a terrible life.  We are almost one year into the anniversary of my dads death and I asked my mother the other day if she still is glad he died and she said yes.  I also asked her how she feels a year on.  A year ago we were going through some life changing experiences.  Burying my dad and adjusting to a new life.  I think back and remember how it was a year ago but when I asked my mum if it brought back such memories she said no.   I dont think she gives it a second thought.   She said that was then and this is now.  It is as if it never occurred.  Last Christmas was a very unhappy time.  This Christmas I will think back to last Christmas and remember it all.  My mum said she wont.   She has completely wiped it all out of her life for good.

How can she be so callous.  I know she had an unhappy life but we all make choices and it was her choice to stay in an unhappy situation.   Goodness knows why.   She said she would only have left if she had met someone else and since she never did, she stayed.   If you ask me, she made a rod for her own back.  Why do women torture themselves like that and stay with men who dont make them happy?   Its not as if she loved him because now he is dead she says to me that she never felt anything for him but pity.   How awful.  I believe that my father genuinely loved my mother but now from what she says, I cannot say the same for her. 

This makes me sadder than losing my father. 

Hi Poster

Sorry to hear you still have many unanswered questions.

As I have said before,I really do think going over these with a professional counsellor would really help you and maybe give you some peace of mind. xx

Hi

I am here browsing and came across your post and felt I had to reply. I am in a similar situation with my parents.

My mum was a heavy smoker and my dad always hated her smoking and her unhealthy lifestyle. She had several heart attacks and little strokes and various other issues which made her totally dependent on my Dad for the last few years of her life. He was very tied to her, not being able to do any of the things he enjoyed because she needed him.

She died a year ago this Christmas and he really doesnt seem at all sad about it. On the day he found her dead in her bed he told me he was upset earlier but he was OK now - this was only hours after he found her.

My Mum adored my Dad but he really doesnt seem sad that she has gone, or miss her at all (except when he cant find something!)

I can kind of understand his feeling of new found freedom as he is very healthy and full of life but emotionally is saddens me that he spent his life with someone that he didnt enjoy being with. His feeling is that he married her till death do us part and he has honoured his vow. This makes me so sad for my mums memory. Imagine how it would feel if you knew the man you loved wasnt sad that you were dead?

All these feeling have done has made me even more determined to have a happy life and make sure I make my loved ones as happy as possible. I dont know how many times I have said it over the last year but life really is too short to be unhappy in any situation.

I know I havent offered you any advice as I dont hink there is any advice as such to give, but I wanted you to know that I think I do understand where you are coming from.

Lets just make sure history doesnt repeat itself and we dont make the same mistakes.

Hi Karen

Welcome to the board. Sorry to read about the death of your Mum.

Having been someone who has lost a husband,I really do think that maybe this reaction is simply down to grief.

Grief is a strange thing,how you think you would react to actually reacting is a different story.One person may grieve in one way and someone else something completely different.

A year really is no time.I spent the first year and probably the 2nd year after my hubby died,feeling pretty much numb to be honest.The second year was actually worse than the first.

It may help for you all to get some Bereavement counselling.You can try your GP or look at Cruse's website:

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

iVillage also has its own support board:

http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-ukntgrief