I have posted here a couple of times before but not for a long time.  My mum has been an alcoholic for years, and I think very much in denial as to the extend of her problem despite weeks in rehab and forced sober spells - I would take away her purse and all her money and throw away her booze until she sobered up.  I know this isn't recommended but I was so desperate to get my Mum back I would have tried anything. 

On Friday I found her dead at home, it was awful and I have so many things going round my head I can't think straight.   I had gone round to sober her up and take her to the doctors again and it was such a shock to find her like I did.  I can't piece together the last 2 days of her life and it is tearing me to bits.  I couldn't get in contact with her on Thursday and always do make contact to check she is OK, even if it was just for her to tell me to get lost or leave her alone which was the usual.  I think she had been drinking constantly for 2 weeks, or at least has been under the influence or recovering everytime we have spoken over the past 2 weeks.

I just want the opportunity to ask her why.  It's such a waste, she had a lovely home, lovely friends, a family who were desperate to share her lives with her and a new grandchild she adored.  We moved her to be near us when her problem got bad and she had made new friends and was volunteering when she was sober.

I was so angry with her when she was drunk and lying to me all the time I can't remember telling her that I loved her and I feel so much guilt and desperation that I didn't do enough to help her.  Everyone kept telling me she was beyond help but I truly believed she would sober up one day.  I was frightened when I found her and wish I could turn back time and just hug her and tell her I love her, I'm afraid she didn't know how much I loved her and that I just wanted her better, but it was so awful.  Should I have intervened sooner?  Would it have made a difference?

We don't have the cause of death yet, we should find that out tomorrow, although the paramedics thought it would have been quick. I really hope she didn't suffer but I'm devastated I wasn't there, that she died alone and there is nothing I can do to help her.  She was my Mum, and she will miss out on so much I can't bear it.

I'm sorry this is long.  I know nobody will have any answers but any replies would be appreciated.  I just feel so alone today.  I can't believe alcohol can do this.

x

Oh Helen, I'm so sorry to hear your terribly sad news.

I'm not sure what to say to you, particularly at a time like this it can often seem that words are so inadequate. It sounds like you loved your Mum very much and it might be that you could do with some help with the bereavement you have just suffered. Have a look at the ivillage Coping with Bereavement board: http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-ukntgrief and do try to talk about your feelingas as much as you can.

It can be difficult to understand why someone would let alcohol take over their life in the way that it did for you Mum, and to behonest, you may never find the answer to that particular question. You may, however be able to find som eacceptance in your mind and some peace with how things are.

Hugs to you

Hi Helen

So sad to read your news ((((Helen))))

What a terrible shock for you to have found your mum like that. I have lost a husband so a lot of what you are feeling is normal grief hun,it is normal to feel angry and guilty.

I see Mellers has given you the Coping with Bereavement board link.I've added a link to Cruse too:

www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk

Don't be too hard on yourself hun.You did the best you could,given the difficult circumstances and I'm sure your Mum knew how much you loved her and that she loved you just as much back.

Look after yourself and please post here should you need it,usually someone around to listen.

Hugs and much strength to you xxxx

Hi Helen

Just wondering how you are?

Sending hugs xx

Hi Zannie,

Thanks for asking after me.  I am ok.  Had a really difficult 4 weeks, it will be 4 weeks tomorrow since I found Mum.  The funeral was 2 weeks ago.  Mum died of acute alcohol toxicity.  I thought I knew everything there was to know about alcohol but never did I think she would die of that.  I used to warn her that her liver would pack up but amazingly the coroner told me her liver looked healthy for her age as did all her organs which just makes this all the more heartbreaking.  She had been dead for about a day before I found her so I feel an incredible amount of guilt for not calling on her sooner, I might have been able to do something.  This was only the second time I decided to let her sober up alone.  I saw her the Tuesday before she died and she wasn't as bad as I have seen her in the past and she was lucid and able to have a conversation on the phone the Wednesday so I feel confused as to why this happened - I had seen her a lot more drunk before.

Alot of people came to her funeral, more than I was expecting as she seemed to push everyone away but it seems most people didn't know she had a problem so were very shocked.  She had made some really lovely friends in the 2 years she had been living near us.

I have thrown myself back in to work and its helping, until I have to face the reality of sorting out all her personal affairs and belongings at the weekend and in the evenings.  The hardest thing though is learning to adjust to life without her.  I have put so much time and effort into sobering her up and trying to motivate her to want to give it up, treading on eggshells so not to upset her or 'drive her to drink' that I am finding it strange not to think about it or have to check on her all the time.  I know alcoholics need to do it for themselves but when she was sober she used to say she wanted to stay that way, although I know she was deeply unhappy and I think to some extent was mentally ill.  I had thought that for some time (for a lot of reasons I won't go into now) and was planning to take her to the doctors about it when she was next sober.

Sorry to ramble on.  Obviously needed to offload again! 

xx