Hiall

Not sure where to start! Firstly, I am a drinker, not in the day time and never get drunk but I do like a drink in the evening, the only reason I say this is because I want to be honest and not sound like a hyppocrite.

It really started in the last 2 years after losing Nan, my best friend and Mum. DS2 had a lot of problems, debt, drugs and terrible anger and couldn,t hold down a job, then I was made redundant, thankfully DS2 seems to be sorting it all out now and is drug free and has a job, but a drink in the evening does relax me.

Anyway, the main problem is Dad, he is 86 with a lot of different health problems, he is a really heavy drinker and drinks steadily through the day, sometimes starting as early as 10am, I know as I picked him up for a hospital appointment and he reeked of whisky. He fills the scotch bottle with water sometimes to make it look more and hides the glass when I come in, he also drinks Ale and red wine.

He is coming to live with us in the next few weeks, I have had the garage converted and have a downstairs shower room for him too. Question is, how can I stop him drinking in the day when he is here as I find that unacceptable, do I sound hyppocritical yet?

I want to approach this gently due to his age but will absolutely not accept it,DP and I have already said that we will not drink during the week any more so as not to encourage him and I am prepared for him to have a glass of wine with dinner plus a nightcap but that is it, my eldest son cracked a joke the other day with him and said to make the most of it as Mum won't let you drink when you move in and he just said that he would hide the bottle in his room.

How can I stop him from killing himself, my stepsister said I should let him have what he wants as he is old and doesn't have much else, (he is her biological father, btw, and not mine)but I disagree.

Any advice is welcome

Hi honey,

First of all I want to give you a huge hug as it sounds like this whole situation is really getting on top of you.  Secondly to answer your questions in order (and please forgive me if this sounds harsh or overly simplistic):
1.how can I stop him drinking in the day - You can't
2.How can I stop him from killing himself - you can't

It's a really difficult thing for those of us who aren't addicted to accept, but for an addict, if they REALLY want to have their drug or choice (be it alcohol or anything) there is nothing you can do to stop them. Even if it means they are killing themselves. The lure  of alcohol for an addict is so strong that it will transcend any other nagging, theats, promises from anyone else around them regardless of how much you love each other.

But there are steps you can take to change your behaviour. Firstly you can be very clear about what you don't like and why. e.g. "I don't like it when you drink throughout the day as your personalilty changes when you are drunk. You become someone I don't know and don't like and becasue the damage you are doing to your health scares me." It sounds obvious but some alcoholics don't think or know they have a problem and some need it to be spelled out to them that their behaviour is unacceptable.

Don't for a moment, however that simply telling him will do the trick though. Stopping drinking or cutting down has to be HIS choice and if the desire for a drink is greater than the desire not to harm his health, he will still go on drinking, so you need to emply your second tactic which is to STOP becoming a facilitator of his drinking and his drunkeness. Let's take your sister's advice for example "I should let him have what he wants as he is old ". Is she saying you should buy the drink for him? I don't know how mobile he is but if you are the one doing his drink shopping then don't do it anymore.  Is she saying that you should clear up after him when he's had too much say and been sick or aggressive? If so, then you need to STOP doing that. Don't make excuses for his drinking. If he's slurring when speaking to the family, be honest with everyone and explain it's because he's drunk - don't use euphamisms.

If he chooses to stop drinking there ARE things you can do to help though. Most alocoholics find that trigger times to fall off the wagon are when they are hungry, angry, lonely or tired so try to help him overcome those trigger times. Include him in the family environment when he may be more suceptible and try to hep keep him active and engaged as well.

I also think that joining a group like Al Anon might help you deal with his drinking as well.

Hi

Thanks for your reply,I will probably be posting more in the future as I know it won't be easy when he moves in.

Problem is, he is still mobile so I know he will do his daily trip to Sainsbury's every day as he does now so I will end up making sure I am here when he gets back so I can see what he has bought, which will restrict anything I can do everyday. If I were the one to do all the shopping then it would be a whole lot easier.

I went to his today with DP around 3.30pm and he asked if I wanted a drink so I said no, it has become a ritual that if I go in the evening then he pours me one, it started when Mum was alive and I would go round every friday after work so would have a small one to start the weekend but since Mum went I go round every day so if it is the evening I automatically get a drink, he always looks out of the window waiting for me to arrive and it is on the table before I get in the door, anyway, today we had a cup of tea and then when it got 5pm he asked if I wanted a tipple and I said again it was too early and I don't drink in the day, I am just trying to start reasonably slowly with him by saying no daytime drinking. As I said in my first post I feel a bit of a hyppocrite as I can drink with the best of them but I think there should be some rules. He has been told by the hospital this week that they are very concerned about his heart but he may be too old for them to operate so I would like to make sure he is with us for as long as possible.

Hi Mum43

Welcome to the board.

Mellers and Red have both given excellent advice,which I can only echo.

Does your Dad get any support from the doctors,like community nurses or anything? They may be able to advise you further.

Good Luck xx