Hello everyone,  I hope I'm not intruding.

I'm after some advice if that's ok?  I apologise if some of this termanology is incorrect.

A bit of history: In 2004 one of my best friend mums was diagnosed with bowel cancer from a routine test.  She was operated on and with chemo went into remission.  She had regular 6 monthly checks, and about 2 years later it was discovered it had returned (is this a secondary) to one of her lungs.  Again, she was operated on (partial lung removal - pioneering surgery) and with chemo went into remission once again and continued to have 6 monthly tests and scans to ensure she stayed clear.

At the last scan (about 3 weeks ago) it was discovered that the cancer had returned in her lungs and there are so many tiny tumours that they have said they can't operate and have given her 6 months, with chemo an option to 'prolong her life' (apologies again if this is incorrect termanology).

The results were received on 21st May while we were all on holiday in Spain (we were with our husbands and children), and my friend called home and her mum gave her the devastating news.  Obviously she was beyond devastated and I did my best to support her.

I'm just after some advice really on how best to be there for her.  I don't want to be in her face all the time constantly asking her how she is, but in the same vein she is the sort of person that needs someone around which she can vent her anger on, cry with and basically get everything off her chest.  She does have a very supportive husband and in turn HE has very supportive parents.  They have two children, 1 aged 11 months and 1 aged 4 and a half so she also has to deal with them too.  We live about 20 miles apart.  I work Mon-Thu, but she doesn't.  Her mum lives about 5 miles away from me.

We spent 2 weeks together on holiday before she had to come home and face reality.  (She did originally want to go straight home, understandably, but her mum talked her out of it).

Just want to know really, what would want a friend to do for you?  I will do anything, practical help or otherwise.  My husband works nights so he's having the 11 month old on Thurs so she can go to an appointment with her mum.  (Her step-dad is going too).

I just feel a bit helpless really and a bit useless.  She also lost her dad about 15 years ago - not to cancer (before I knew her), so this is just like a double blow.

Thanks for reading this far.

Love Kerry

Hi Kerry, welcome to this board, despite the awful circumstances that brought you here.

Firstly, you are already doing what is right by being aware that your friend might not want you to be in her face. It is so good that she has a strong support network in place already. why not have a chat with her mum and see if there is anything special that you can help with - given your limitations with work and distance.

The other important thing is to more or less let your friend decide what she needs in the way of support. Patients vary enormously. Some want to spend their time quietly, others by pushing their bodies and minds to the limit. When my late husband was diagnosed with cancer, he decided that most people were not to be told - this included other than immediate family - and that he wanted no fuss made at all. When he was dying he didn't even allow visitors, other than myself and our two children.

You should continue to keep up the usual contact with your friend. A useful starting point is to ask something like "How are things?". This is better than saying "How are you" as it will give your friend a chance to talk about other stuff if she wants. Then keep the chat general. Keep telephone calls or visits fairly brief as your friend will probably be feeling very tired. Maybe too you could buy her a special gift, needn't be expensive, and just say you thought of her when you saw it.

As the illness progresses further maybe you could offer specific days or times when you could childmind while she is having treatments or hospital appointments. As her children know you well this could be an enormous help. You could set this up with her husband or mum.

The other important thing is to accept the reaction from family if your offers of help, visits etc are rejected. Sometimes families do close ranks at these times and it is not a reflection on the way you are valued as a friend.

hugs

Thanks Tabbs, that's a big help to know the different reactions from people.

I did buy her a small gift while we were on holiday, which only cost 1€ BUT I felt it was something I wanted her to have. 

Not sure if it came across right, but it's her mum that's been diagnosed, not my friend.  I just feel that she will also need support in supporting her mum - does that make sense.

Thanks again for your advice tho - it means so much.

Take care

Love Kerry

Hi again Kerry. My fault, I misread your post. Honestly my brain is in jelly mode half the time. Doesn't help that I have long term depression and anxiety problems. The suggestions I have made still hold true though and your friend will need your support. As it is the mum who has the cancer, she may well find it a relief to offload with someone other than family. As you live nearer the mum it could be that there will be small practical things that you can help out on.

When my depression is really bad for example it is a huge help that I know I have people there I can call on. I rarely do ask them for help but just knowing they are there for me is wonderful.

hugs