My Husband is very depressed at the moment. He has taken some steps to sort things out by visiting the docter and seeing a specialist, however it doesn't seem to be making any difference. This has been going on for the 6 years we have been married and when ever i try to talk to him about "Whats Up" and what I do to help i just get told nothing is the matter and theres is nothing i can do to help. Where this gets really hard work is that i know he is talking to other people about it and will tell them all his worries and problems. He is a very emotional "Needed" person which is no bother, but i get told I ignore him or dont listen to him, yet when i try to talk and find out whats happend or how his day was or whats bothering him i get the usual "Nothing, i'm fine" line.

I have tried everything i can think of, I have tried to just "be" there and only talk to him when he talks about it. I have tried being direct and ask outright, even pointing out that clearly something is up, I have tried not to "notice" and carry on as normal. However all these lead him to tell others that i dont care, have no interest or even getting "board" with him.

I really really wish he would just talk to me, if the problems are made worse or started by me i need to know about them to do something to improve his feelings and help him get over his depression. He has told me very small details on why he feels the way he does, but i feel so in the dark about it all. I have no idea if i'm helping him or making it worse, i have asked so often how i can help or make it better but i just get told nothing is wrong. Please could you give me some advice on what i could/should do. Or even if it is me that is the problem or is his depression making it "seem" that way to me.

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings

Firstly and most importantly, the depression is probably nothing at all to do with you in that nothing you are doing or saying is causing it, its more likely to be from his past. Its way harder to speak to people we love, and maybe he doesn't know what is causing the depression so cant possibly tell you. Depression is an illness, he cant help it or snap out of it but I understand how frustrating it must be to want to do something to help when there is nothing you can do. I also understand that if he has been depressed for so long how tough that must be for you. Do you have any support? The carers association do provide support as well as other agencies, its worth seeking out some support for you. Also make sure you have 'me' time and treat yourself occasionally.

I'm pleased that he is seeking help and hope that it helps him learn for himself whats causing the depression and learns ways to overcome it or minimise it and grow through it. Hang in there,

Fiz

Hello Spoonz and welcome to the board,
It's so good to hear that your husband has taken action to beat his depression but six years without a result is extremely long. Did the doctor prescribe something and did your husband take it ?
In a way your husband is right that there's nothing you can do to make him better but he's wrong about there being nothing that can help him. You can help him just by being there for him but to the sufferer seeing someone they love looking at them with pity can be difficult and can make them feel worse.

What you can do to help is to mention the things he does do that make a difference to your life for the better. Don't fuss just casually bring it up naturally. Another thing is to take as much responsibility off him as this is felt as pressure and pressure gets to depressed people more than anything. Makes it hard to do much at all.

It doesn't sound like your husband is doing enough to help himself which in turn would also help you by lightening the burden he is being on your shoulders.
He should have returned to the doctor to question his medication not working or had it changed or the dosage increased. He could have been referred for counselling as this can help although it isn't something men would find easy to do.

He needs to cut out or cut down on drinking any alcohol as alcohol is a depressant and works against any medication he may be on.

The reason your husband is talking to others about it all is because of how much he cares about you. He probably views it as dumping something onto someone and their reactions don't make him feel as bad because he doesn't care as much about their feelings and reactions. Whereas if he offloaded to you he would feel that he is spoiling something and making you feel bad because he knows you love him. He wouldn't want to make you feel any worse than you already do.

Hmm I can see there is a misunderstanding going on with the communication between you both. He wants you to be there for him in a way that suits his needs and when that doesn't happen he claims you are ignoring him but he could well be pushing you away and then wanting you to keep trying regardless, possibly because he needs to test your feelings, I don't know, I just know this goes on and does happen.

What you can do is some diy counselling where you both agree to a set time and one person talks for that time while the other sits and listens without commenting or expressing emotion. Then at the end of the time limit you change sides and the listener becomes the one to talk and offload. It may be a way to be there for each other without feeling you need to fix or sort everything out for the other.

One way of finding out how he is without adding to his pressure (responsibility to produce a good enough answer does feel like pressure) is to agree to a number system between one and ten and then he just has to tell you what number he is at today and you will have some idea and it should lighten his load a bit.

Feel free to come and offload to us anytime and if we can help we will.
Hugs
Owly x

From Owly x

"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."

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Hi Spoonz,

welcome to the board. Men do have trouble accepting help and admitting they have problems in the first place.

You have already had some good advice from the others so I shall just say welcome again.

Jillxx