Hey

I just wanted to post tonight because I'm struggling a bit. My oyf is away at the moment and I always find when I am home along for a few days that I just have more time to think about my ED, food, eating and my body and I end up getting consumed by it again. I guess it's because I don't have the distractions and the business that I normally have when there is two of us in the house. I also tend to eat less when he is away because no one is here to notice what I'm eating and because it doesn't seem worth while cooking just for myself.

So, I have been having a few more ED thoughts for the last few days and then tonight I went out and saw a friend of a friend that I haven't seen in at least six months and I could instantly see she has an ED (does anyone else find they ahve a sixth sense for other peoples ED?). At first I couldn't look at her because I was shocked at how much weight she had lost and also because I felt like I was crossing a line, like I was looking at her naked because I could see something she was probably trying to hide. Anyway, the weird thing is I felt kind of jealous. Instead of feeling like I was glad that I'm in a much better place at the moment I actually felt that I was failing and she was succeeding and I wanted to be more like her. Not because she looked good, she looked terrible. I don't really know why, at first I though it was because she must feel more in control and stronger than me but then I reminded myself that she isn't in control her ED is. Anyway, I decided to leave because I knew I was becoming preoccupied by it and because I was feeling drawn to her to somehow find a way to talk to her about it and I knew that would be unhealthy for me and just get me even more in that mind set. Before I left I asked our mutral friend if she was ok, and she said she didn't want to say much because obviously it's very personal and private but that I was right that the person I'm talking about has an ED. I left feeling worried about her and wishing I could reach out to her in a positive way but I don't think I'm strong enough to do that without getting drawn in and I don't know her well enough to talk to her about it anyway.

I can't shift it out of my mind so I thought sharing it on here might help.
Sometimes I just find it really hard to see why being healthy will make me happier when restricting what I eat and loosing weight makes me happy. I now its a bit messed up.

J

((((Hugs))))). My response to reading this was I wondered if reaching out to your friend may have a positive outcome for both of you.  She needs help, you understand what it is like to have ED and perhaps this could be the trigger for recovery for both of you. Just my thoughts.

Jillxx