Hi again,

I'd been doing pretty well until this evening. Had to take the dog out and put her in her kennel for the evening... and I opened the back door and massively freaked out because of the dark and the shadows moving around in the wind.

I had to shut the door, lock it again, and then do some grounding techniques to control my breathing (i.e. "ALU you're safe, look nothing there, you're safe, what day is it? what month? you see nothing's happened" etc etc) and all the time the dog was looking up and me thinking "what the hell is she doing? she's got my bedtime biscuit, why aren't we going to the kennel?"

After what felt like a very long time, I heard my sister moving around upstairs and the dog was still looking up at me and that gave me enough courage to go the whole of 3/4 metres to the kennel and back.

I suppose I should regard it as a success, but no, in fact I'm kinda beating myself up for it happening.

Bring on Friday!

How's everything going with you? I hope it's all going well with you and your mum and also that you haven't had a reason to scoff down chocolate recently.

:-)

Hi ALU,
Must have been quite threatening seeing the darkness and with the wind moving the trees and sbrubs etc. Whatever helps you feel safe is good, so the physical act of locking doors etc is putting control back in your hands so you get a double benefit, you know you're safer with them locked and you feel in control so that helps calm you down.

I had to talk myself out of a second panic attack some years ago in just the same way you grounded yourself. Years and years ago when I used to get scared by a film or something on tv I used to find reciting my address out loud helped put things in perspective. It just... well, grounded me. Made me feel things were as normal and mundane as always.

It was a success that you managed to do the trip to the kennel after all that. No suppose about it.

Not long now until Friday. I always have a reason to scoff chocolate. I just try to make them good ones.. lol
I'm coming to the end of my decorating in the hall, stairs and landing. Am now onto the wallpapering. I am so fed up of doing it all though and just want it to be over and done with. Seems to be all I've thought about for weeks. Didn't realise what a big job it was going to be.

Mum is doing ok. Just had to get her fall alarm changed as it was going off while she was upright and she thought it meant she was going to fall. Waited in all afternoon for the man to come to fix it. Couldn't even decorate as I'd be blocking the hall. He arrived an hour after the time limit I'd been quoted.

Will be thinking of you on Friday. Let me know how it goes.

Hugs
Owly x

From Owly x

"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."

CL on :-

Coping with Depression

Overcoming Stress

Paranormal Experiences

Astrology & You

Carers & Cared For

 

Heya,

My update is that my GP was lovely this morning. He is so reassuring, thoughtful and all-round brillant!

He's going to refer me to a neurologist to investigate the fainting/seizure... and I'm going to make an appointment with the university counsellor (a different one from before possibly) and then he suggested some EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) (http://synapse2000.co.uk/emdrs/faq) possibly as a good way of allowing my brain to process the memories safely. Apparently his wife is an educational psychologist and this is what she often recommends. At the end, he said "don't be a stranger" and to come back whenever if I need.
I've sent the email asking for an appointment, but I have a feeling I won't get a reply til Monday at the earliest now... but generally there's only a waiting list of a couple of days to see someone so fingers crossed.

I, unfortunately, was pretty shaken up afterwards. I'd just had to bring up a lot of horrible memories to tell him and so I felt tearful and nauseous.
It's also not helping that since that avoided-panic attack with my dog, I haven't had more than three or four hours sleep since (the last three nights... all in different places: parents' home, hotel and then in my uni flat) and they're not nightmares in the same way as they were before (i.e. always me trying to escape from an attacker) these are just very vivid dreams/nightmares about random things.

I'm supposed to be going round to my girlies tonight with a bottle of wine to catch up on the summer's gossip.... but I just feel like slobbing around the house this evening. I have no appetite (even after spending an hour in the gym earlier this afternoon) and in fact I'm just catching up with iVillage wrapped up in my duvet and cuddling a pillow. Hmmm, what to do...

Yes, locking the door has always been an instant boost for me. It's often the first thing I do when I enter my room (especially in the dark) and fortunately, I'm not worried that there's someone actually in my room (only in the hallway) so it works every time. Same when I get in my car, one hand shuts the door, the other reaches for the 'lock all the doors button'.

GRRR - that's so annoying that he turned up an hour late. Just think about how much you could have got on with if you had known exactly when he would arrive. At least now the alarm is fixed and it won't worry your mum and will reassure you that it's working properly now. It made me smile when I read about your mum thinking that the alarm going off meant she was about to fall! An alarm that was able to predict the future!! :-)
Good luck with the rest of the decorating... how much more have you got left? It always is a big job (especially as it's made more difficult being on the different steps on the stairs.) Fingers crossed it won't take too much more, but at least afterwards you can sit back and admire your handiwork!

Hugs to you too, thanks :-)

Hi ALU,
Was thinking about you yesterday. Was also thinking about the GP I'd had and the difference a good doctor can make. He was just the right person arriving at the right time. Saw him recently and he wasn't so laid back. Couldn't have done with him then, as he is now.

Sooo good that your doctor is doing all those things for you. What a difference that will make, to know that something is being done and it increases your options on the length of time you'll have to suffer.

Is that EMDR thing where you follow the moving finger while recalling events ?
Saw that done on tv ages ago now.

Oh yeah I can imagine how shaken up you'd have been afterwards. It was a big thing to go through and a lot was at stake. It could have gone the other way and you wouldn't know until you were in the midst of the appointment.

The dream thing is one of those things the subconscious does when it's processing information going on inside you. I've read a bit on this and it's surprising what the subconscious can do. I mean if you had an experience where you only partly went through with something your subconscious will complete the circle while you sleep and fill in the blanks.

I've not been around on ivillage for a bit so am catching up myself a bit. I'm in the process of decorating and it's doing my noggin in.

The fall alarms are all working fine now. Mum wears one round her neck which she is supposed to press when she falls but she fell yesterday and forgot to press it because she was so shaken up. I was in the house and knew nothing of this. She managed somehow to get herself up.
Anyway later on I fitted the waist one that automatically informs the eldercare people that she's on the floor, as I was going out for a few hours.
When I got back she was wearing it over her shoulder and said it had gone off when she was in the toilet. I think she must have removed it and put it on the floor and that made eldercare think she'd fallen. They called her on the loudspeaker intercom type thing to check she was ok. They keep ringing to check for a period of time and that's when Mum would have heard them asking if she's ok.

With the decorating I've just got the last two halves of walls to get done. The stairs are in between so I don't have to match the two sides up somewhere. It's been a nightmare. Got one piece totally wrong and it had to be cut round trunking and switches along with the electric switch cabinet thing. So that piece had to be pulled off and started again. That's when I lost my motivation and had to walk away. Had someone helping and I just had to leave them to it as I had had enough for one day.

Funny how the parts we expected to be easy were the most difficult and the ones we thought would be awful to do turned out to be a doddle. Must be something to do with the way we approached it as a result of the way we thought about it. Hmmmm, there's a lesson in that isn't there. :)

Not much more to do now and then I can get the carpet fitted.... and I won't be doing that at all so I can't wait. Then I can open the door without cringing any more.

Hugs
Owly x

From Owly x

"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."

CL on :-

Coping with Depression

Overcoming Stress

Paranormal Experiences

Astrology & You

Carers & Cared For

 

Thanks yes. It is amazing what a difference a good doctor makes... I've had my fair share of shoddy ones, so that makes this one such a welcome change!

I also finally had a decent night's sleep last night (5 and a half hours! ok not as much as normal but much more than recent nights) and I remember waking up feeling great. I'll be going to the gym more often I think because I'm hoping it was that which helped. Fingers crossed for the same again or more tonight!

Yes EMDR is the moving finger thing. I'm still reading up more about it... sounds interesting if it works.
And yes it's amazing what your subconscious can do. I am constantly surprised by it - for example, I have very few actual memories of a sexual assault which happened in January of this year. I completely dissociated during the incident - amazing really. Took over 36 hours for it to sink in, and yet I realised yesterday that now I have absolutely no recollection of his face, his smell, taste... all I can consciously remember is how it made me feel and a little of the surroundings.

My other traumatic memories are more complicated because I had been drugged (a poor version of rohypnol they think) when I witnessed the drive-by shooting in 2006. The victim was no more than 3 metres away from us (me and my friend who was looking after me were in the back of a minibus) but my reactions had been severely hampered and I had little to no control over my body. I was slumped over a few seats and I remember thinking "get down, get down ALU" as soon as we heard the shots, but I was unable to. I often wonder how much of what happened afterwards I simply don't remember because of the sedative. My friend and I have never spoken about what happened that night. (She hadn't had her drink spiked but she was shaken up.)

I clearly remember it more vividly than I thought I did cos the trivial thing that happened to trigger my panic attack over the summer was a car driving past us slowing right down (also coming from the left).

Woohoo, roll on getting the wall-papering finished and then sitting back and watching the new carpet go down with a cuppa and your feet up!

I couldn't imagine being a carer - I have so much admiration for you!

:-)