Hi everyone,

I normally post on fertility issues but I'm hoping for some advice re stress & career. It's a long story but due to work stress than built over a long period of time I had a breakdown in Feb. I've since been off sick with work related stress & my employer did admit liability but has basically ignored my illness much as they did my stress & work pressures before going off sick. I've now been made redundant which to be honest was the best outcome as at least I have some money behind me. DH has been very supportive & is happy for me to take time out as we are due to start Ivf treatment later this month. My worry is that although I know I'm extremely lucky to now be free from work I feel so low about things & keep crying. I used to enjoy parts of my job & felt that over the 5 years I worked well with everyone, was respected & put 110 percent into everything. My job was at a senior level with good salary, company car etc & I guess I feel a bit of a failure especially with being of sick it feels like leaving out the back door.

I don't know what the future holds & right now I can't see myself going back into a senior role so feel very confused by career options. I want to do something I enjoy but just don't seem to have the motivation & end up feeling depressed. DH tells me just to focus on doing things around the house, going out for a swim etc as soon we will be so busy with the ivf tratment but I feel guilty as I've always worked.

I'm about to sign on for JSA & that's worrying me as I don't want to be put under pressure to apply for roles that I don't feel confident enough to manage & I don't know whether I should say anything about the ivf.

I just feel I have so many questions & no answers & feel pretty lost at the moment.

MrsMacP

Hello MrsMacp and welcome to the board,
Hmm yes I can understand how this would feel for you going through what you did and then finding yourself redundant. It feels to me like you've been robbed of something but you can't put your finger on what exactly. Just as you get some level of acceptance of responsibility for your breakdown suddenly there's nothing to fight for or against.

It's probably left you feeling a bit at sea really I would imagine. One minute you had everything and then you have poor health, struggling to cope with it and then no job to return to so your endeavours to recover and return have also been thwarted now that there is nothing to return to.

It's all a bit like the rug has been pulled from under you.

I don't know if you know my own story but I too had a breakdown as a result of stress at work. I was off for six months, tried to negotiate part time hours and was told it wasn't possible and they wanted me to work as before but as that had meant working all hours and weekends and resulted in my breakdown I knew I couldn't return to that so I handed in my notice and left.

What you might need to remind yourself about is that for everything that happened which resulted in your own breakdown it takes nothing away from the fact that you were one of their better employees. I know this because it is only the ones like yourself who care so much who end up suffering from burn out and have breakdowns. Those who don't care don't suffer.

You are no failure that's for sure. You are where you are now as a result of their bad management skills. It is they who have failed because they have had to make you redundant. No firm run well should need to do that. I suspect they have done this to you as a form of damage limitation so that they aren't blamed further but I don't know this for sure. I have just seen some pretty dodgy behaviour in bosses and companies and I am automatically suspicious when they do things like this.

Your life has come to a crossroad, a turning point and it very likely won't continue the way it had been. It probably would have had to change anyway when you get your longed for baby. So I wouldn't strive to achieve the same stressful level of employment you had before. You will have been deeply affected by your breakdown and some parts of that will probably last a long time. You may find yourself needing more rest and not quite able to do everything as you always had done.

There's nothing wrong with this, it's just showing you that you need to change and move to a different speed of lifestyle. One that isn't on that same level but one that gives you more opportunity to breathe between days and hopefully fewer deadlines to meet.

The slower pace may also be more beneficial to your desire to have a family now. Events will happen to help with that if it is meant to happen so I personally wouldn't push against that too hard to get back what you once had. I'd look for something more suitable for the new you.

Remember you are wiser now, you have been through an ordeal and know more about your limits and how it feels when you start getting overwhelmed which is something you can learn to avoid and balance out with times of rest and relaxation. Your body need it.

You are more in control than you may feel. You can go along with what the jobcentre want and at any interviews you feel you don't want you can mention the ivf which should ensure they don't take you on. So you keep both the jobcentre and yourself happy.

Personally I wouldn't tell the jobcentre about your ivf. It's personal and private and is only relevant at the times you choose it to be.

Feel free to ask anything you like or just offload your worries and we'll see if we can come up with something that helps for you.

Hugs
Owly x

From Owly x

"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."

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