Yay, it's Saturday!  And today I am having a proper chill out day.  Get time to do a head dump here, go back to bed for a bit, watch a movie.  Seriously though, I've been really stressed and

overwhelmed recently and feeling under pressure and I really need a recovery day (or three!).  It's only five days until I go on holiday.  I'm a bit more organised now but also worried.  I've been

feeling unwell since I woke up yesterday morning and I have been exposed to swine flu this week.  I had better not have it.  I'm hoping it's just exhaustion, I don't have enough symptoms yet for it

to be swine flu.  Just feeling achey and queasy and generally off.  Queasy doesn't normally come with exhaustion.  Maybe its anxiety.

My friend Captain Sulu has finally moved up north and started his new job.  We chatted a bit of a week before last but haven't had a chance this week because I've been busy and we were both unwell last night.  He also thinks he may have swine flu.  I think our friendship is going to get back on track and I will get to see him in November or December.  He's only 40 minutes drive away from me now instead of the minimum 2 1/2 hours.

Therapy has been the big issue over the last couple of weeks.  After I had the cold and PMT kicked in on top the anxiety went wild and in the end I missed the therapy session because I was so nervous about going.  I kept wanting to attack myself.  In the end I decided the only way to stop attacking myself was to take away the threat so I did that.  Then of course I was anxious phoning up not knowing what reason to give for not going.  I was also anxious because it was a new receptionist.  Anyway the phone call went really well.  The receptionist was very nice and didn't ask any questions.  I just asked her to tell my therapist that I wasn't going because I didn't feel able to face it.  Then I went home and chilled out.  I did continue to feel uncomfortable though.  You know what it's like when you know you're meant to be somewhere else and the people that are there will be talking about you.  Although I come down a bit for a day or two, not having gone meant I carried on worrying about it all week.  It was difficult to think of anything else.  I decided that I would go this week.  Last Sunday I sat down and thought about it and in particular thought what is the hot thought.  What I came up with was that I felt abandoned in therapy because I had started talking about some difficult stuff and was left unable to continue because we had the long break and then the new people.  The problem is that this reminded me of how it was at home during my teens.  My parents never ever supported me over anything emotional.  They never came and comforted me when I might have been upset, even when someone had died.  I knew that when I did go to therapy I would have to say exactly what had been on my mind.  I was feeling very close to quitting the group.  It was like if it didn't go okay then I couldn't go back.  Anyway, when I got there there was only four of us.  Before the session my therapist was walking through reception and obviously looked at me and it felt so uncomfortable.  It's that knowing that I feel uncomfortable and knowing that it was perfectly obvious to him that I felt uncomfortable with him.  I thought I would be forced to talk from the start of the session but someone else started talking and so it was more than half way through before their focus turned to me and they asked what had been happening.  By the time I had sat there for 45 minutes I was feeling that everything I had been feeling too in the last couple of weeks had been massively exaggerated and I felt a bit stupid.  So I started off by saying that I felt my thoughts had been exaggerated and my therapist said it was helpful to say what those thoughts were anyway.  So I did say how I felt and I did a really good job of it.  I find it difficult to look at my therapist joined the session and I did feel quite awkward.  He said that actually I was feeling angry towards him because he was responsible for the break and the new people joining the group.  I said yes to that.  I'm fully aware that I'm angry towards him but I feel extremely uncomfortable saying that in the group.  No one else in the group has ever talked about the feelings towards other people in the group to their faces but my problem is that my therapist massively reminds me of my father and I'm having the same reactions towards him that I do my father.  It's like massive fear, embarrassment and at the same time wanting lots of attention.  I'm sure it's pretty obvious to him.  I even admitted a few months back when another older guy left the group abruptly that it was good for me that he left because I felt uncomfortable with him because he reminded me of my father.  I've realised now that I need to have the conversation with my therapist about my feelings towards him.  Imagine what that's like in front of six other people.  It kind of feels like I need to do it in order to progress.  I find my therapist really irritating at times but in some ways he has the right person because he is very bright.  When he said about me feeling angry towards him it was like I am being given permission to talk about my feelings towards him.  It actually felt safe because I said how I felt and he didn't react to it at all or get upset.  That is what a good therapist is meant to do.  Therapy is about being able to express your hardest feelings and getting feedback to enable you to process those things in a more helpful way.  So being able to tell him how I feel about him would be a massive step for me.  Having the opportunity to do that is scary and fantastic.  I've spent my entire life not being able to express how I feel and being scared of people.  Expressing my anger about being left over the summer has definitely helped to reduce the anger so maybe expressing my fear will reduce my fear.  Once again the timing is awkward.  After next week's session there's a two-week break, I'm away the first week and my therapist away the second week.  Something I have realised recently is that I seem to always wait for permission to do things instead of just doing them.  In the group I have long wanted to take things that I've written to read out to the group to enable me to express myself but I haven't because permission wasn't given.  I hadn't express how I felt about the break and new people properly before.  I had said some things but they hadn't dealt with the feelings.  After last week I can't get as angry as I was.  Also haven't felt strongly about harming myself this week so that's good.  Another related issue with my therapist is that as soon as someone with an authority position shows care towards me it's like I get a crush on them.  That has happened with my therapist this week and I guess several times over the last few months.  I'm left wanting more and it can get quite painful when I don't get more or I have experiences which I interpret as rejection. 

Again that's something I ideally need to talk to him about.  Really really really wish we had one-to-one is sometimes as well as the group experience.  He would say you are in a group and that is where we talk about things.  I'm kind of feeling like if I walk away from therapy without ever talking about these issues then it will have been a wasted experience.  I may get offered individual therapy once group therapy ends but it is unlikely to be with the same therapist unfortunately.  I've got a year left in the group but it doesn't feel like long enough by long way.  It's taken me two years in the group to even start expressing my deeper feelings.  Right now I'm not sure if it's worth me thinking about what I want to say on Monday or just putting it to bed given the break coming up.  What did surprise me is that when I went this week the group said they had been extremely surprised that I hadn't made it the week before because the week before that I was really up and chatty.  I'm actually feeling a little more inclined to be chatty in the group now.  When I'm not worrying about my own issues joining in becomes a bit more natural.  I'm wondering if I might go and be a chatterbox this week!  I'll just have to say I'm high because I'm excited about this week.

Work has been difficult again this week.  I've been doing a task which I'm not really qualified to do but we don't have anyone else available.  I was given the task with this in mind so I'm not going to get shot for failing.  They have now got to the stage where we've hit the deadline and they realise they've got to get someone else to do the work.  Unfortunately that someone else is a guy that I find very difficult to work with.  He started yesterday and was being an absolute pain in the backside.  He basically walked all over me and then later in the afternoon he refused to help me.  I've basically been installing a database of the last two weeks and having difficulties with it and he's going to come along and do his own install because he can do it in half a day and then it'll be done.  I really really really hate working with him.  Work also feels awkward because I worry about my team leader.  He has an absolutely ridiculous amount of work and can't possibly do everything.  That means I feel guilty asking him questions and saying I'm having difficulties with things.  We have an important upgrade is going ahead on the system that I am lead support for whilst I'm away and he is going to be doing the upgrade but he hasn't had a chance to do any preparation yet.  There is also an awkward e-mail that the customer sent as at least five weeks ago that he hasn't had a chance to reply to.  I do with most of the e-mails but this one was a bit sensitive and I didn't want to land us in it so I passed on to him.

Tuesday was a very stressful day.  Tuesdays are normally about recovering from therapy on Monday that I now have college Tuesday evening.  Anyway, on the bus into work Tuesday morning someone approached me and told me that they are stopping the bus that I get.  That really got me feeling very angry.  When I got to work I went on the Internet looking for information and what I learnt was that my bus was being rerouted and the high-level route didn't include my area.  I was going all destructive at this stage.  Anyway, I e-mailed the bus company and they replied quite quickly with a decent reply and a copy of the new timetables.  They are rerouting the bus but it's after I get off so it's not a problem for me.  They have also completely rewritten the timetable so my routine will have to change.  Buses coming home are actually at better times.  I will be able to get home earlier when I don't have a lift.  I will also be able to get to work earlier, but only if I'm ready in time to get the bus.  I would have to leave by five past six at the latest.  Anyway, I sent the information round to everyone in my company who I know gets the bus.  Then on the way home I spoke to a lady owner on the bus because I know she will be affected by the changes and it won't be good for her.  I felt very anxious about doing that but she was grateful to me for letting her know even though it was bad news.  The bus company doesn't tend to advertise these things.  I wouldn't have known until after the changes had I not been approached on the bus.  Basically they put a sign up on the bus saying the timetables are changing just the week before.  And often they don't put the timetables online until weeks after.  So people will be going to work on Monday morning in a couple of weeks to find that their bus is as a completely different time or doesn't go to their destination any more!  How fandibblyumtastic!  It's going to be a major inconvenience to some people but I actually think the new route is good because it connects Stockport with an area is that we don't currently have a connection to.  It's just the upheaval.

I ended up driving to college Tuesday evening because it was raining heavily.  However the college don't have nearly enough parking spaces so I ended up having to park some way down the road and got a bit damp anyway.  The class was okay.  My tutor was extremely scatty jumping between subjects.  At the end she only handed it back one persons home work from the week before.  At the end we all left saying, boy isn't she scatty!  She told us that she is being observed for the first hour next week so she will probably be even worse.  She is well prepared and the course materials are good, she just seems to lack confidence.

I spent Wednesday evening doing jobs.  I've been feeling under pressure because there's lots to do before I go away and I wasn't getting to do any of it.  I ended up buying a new hair straightener which will work in America.  Got a cheaper version of the ones I already have.  They arrived yesterday but I haven't opened them yet.  Also sorted my finances and ordered some travellers cheques which I will pick up on Wednesday.

On Thursday I started the Arabic course.  I knew that it might be awkward because I had missed the first week.  The tutor was from Iraq and was a very bubbly lady.  I was first to arrive and went and introduced myself but she didn't actually introduce herself and she didn't give me any handover before the class started.  It turns out it's going to be very hard going.  A lot of the class already seemed to know some Arabic.  The first thing she did was a class test of phrases they had learnt during the first session and then people were straight into Arabic conversation.  It was a case of bloody hell!  They all seemed to establish and it was like it was several weeks into the course and not only the second session.  Whilst people were practising their conversation she came and told me some of the phrases they had learnt the first week.  She wrote them down but have English is different to mine.  Every time she taught us a new phrase or letter she would go around the room and every person had to say it out loud.  There was 13 people in the class but I got the impression there were some people missing from the first week.  I'm not surprised!  The only handout she provided was the Arabic alphabet.  All the phrases you had to write down yourself.  I spoke to a few people during the class but I didn't feel comfortable with her and I didn't tell her that I would miss the next two sessions.  She'll probably think she scared me off in one session.  I'm planning to go to another session after my holiday but I'm suspecting that I won't finish this course.  It's going to be an awful lot of work when I'm already doing a lot.  During the class this week she was on a website which appeared to have the same phrases on that we were learning so I'm thinking that before the next session I need to learn lots of stuff of this website and guess what she will cover in the weeks in between.  Arabic certainly seems like a really interesting language to learn but right now I think I've taken on too much.  The college is in an awkward location, useless for public transport.  I got the bus there this week and having extra time went to investigate where the train station was.  It turned out it was quite away from the college and I didn't actually manage to find it.  That left me with one bus.  I went to find a bus stop after the class and it was in a really dark area.  The bus came and went straight past me because he didn't see me.  He eventually stopped some way down the road.  He said it was a very long time since he'd had anyone there.  It turned out there was a hale and ride road nearby and another lady from my course got on the bus fare.  It was a much more sensible area to get on the bus so I could go there in future.  I knew that I would have to pay for the bus because it wasn't the same company as my weekly ticket however it was a lot more expensive than I thought it would be.  Then the driver was awful.  I think you must always drive that bus as he knew people.  He also drove like he knew the roads.  It was quiet residential estates but he was going quite fast.  I was relieved to get off the bus.  When I got home it was nearly 10 o'clock and I felt completely overwhelmed with all the stuff that had happened during the last four days.  My fish had obviously gone to sleep by that time but I had to turn the light on and wake them up so I could see to take my boots off.  One of them looked like it was nearly dead.  I felt so drained that I couldn't face turning the computer on and having any more input so I just went to bed and cried. Then Friday I woke up feeling Yuk.

I have continued to have problems starting the university course as well.  I've basically had to hassle them every step of the way.  The courses started a week and a half ago but I only got access to the course content on Thursday and got the books yesterday.  So I'm already two weeks behind and now going to miss more whilst I'm away.  I applied in plenty of time, the university have taken 5 1/2 weeks to process my application.  I e-mailed my contact at the University on Wednesday evening because I hadn't heard anything.  It was a result of that that I got online access.  I received the reply e-mail Thursday afternoon just before I was leaving work to go to college and it really upset me.  She chose now to tell me that you have to do coursework and have two attend at least half of the online sessions.  It's not acceptable to give this information now when it wasn't in the course description and that it isn't actually part of the qualification.  The proper course is that you do the studying and then you take an exam which is available publicly.  Now the university as saying 50% attendance and do some coursework as well.  I'm at the sociology course at the time the online attendance is required!  Seriously though, I get home from work at 530 and I go to college at 630.  Between that time I make and eat my tea, get changed and gather my college notes and possibly have a few minutes chill time.  The university course is six to nine so doing that hour I am now going to have to log on and say hello to my tutor as well.  What is also off is that I haven't received an e-mail from the course tutor.  What about hello?  There are also no messages on the course message board and only two people appeared to have logged onto the online sessions so far.  I can only assume that's because the enrolment process has been diabolical for everyone else as well.  Part of me thinks I should start the work today but in terms of my holiday and managing my feelings it's more important for me to have a break today.  I'm going to go back to bed soon.  We'll need to clean the aquarium later and may be write a holiday packing list.

As I mentioned earlier I'm feeling nearly ready for my holiday.  Just gathering things together to do really and hope I haven't forgotten anything.  I am feeling a bit anxious about it in case I don't find people to hang out with.  I have written on the holiday message board and have found one person particularly offputting.  Hopefully the others will be okay.

I'm going to watch the stockcar racing tomorrow with spice.  In some ways I would rather have the day at home but they say a change is as good as the rest.  I have no idea what to expect.  Spice haven't sent any instructions.  I think it's going to be a bit muddy and it will just be junk food on sale.  We are meeting at 130 and it goes on until eight o'clock so it might feel like a long day.  Think I just need to chill and not expect anything really.  It's towards the city center so easy to get home from if I've had enough.

Think I will go back to bed now.  My voice is starting to go as well.  Don't use my voice for writing much these days.

Rosie

Rosie

Off on holiday in a few hours. Very excited and nervous. Spent all day getting ready. Looking forward to going to bed but have to wait for nail polish to dry. Not really got time to write about the last few days. Sunday was stressful, therapy was difficult and yesterday I learn that the new bus timetable I'd passed to people had been scrapped and now I wont see one of the people I told to tell her it's change again. Was quite stressed about that. College was good. Tutor didn't seem too impressed when I said I wouldn't be there next week but has now said she'll email me notes and mark my homework.

Back in 2 weeks.

Rosie

Rosie

Hello

This is going to be a long one!  It's been an eventful two weeks.  I got back from holiday last Monday and have been having the usual ups and downs since.

Thursday 15th October
Went on the big plane from Manchester to Orlando!  I was really excited when I saw that it was a 747.  I love big planes!  I got a really large suitcase for this holiday and it turned out to be a bit too big.  I later discovered that you could have two bags at 23 kg each.  Instead I had one large bag at 24 kg.  Fortunately I didn't get charged for it being overweight.  Checkin was a bit crazy at Manchester.  I tried to check on online but it wouldn't let me.  Anyway, when I got to the check-in desk they couldn't give me a seat so I had to stand on another queue for five minutes while someone phoned up to get seats allocated manually.  I ended up being given the door seat which was fantastic legroom wise but meant I had to put my bag in the overhead locker full takeoff and landing and I didn't have a window.  Having got through check-in I then went back drop which was also slow.  And when I got there we discovered that I had missed security so they had to call someone over to ask me if someone had tampered with my luggage! Being in the holiday spirit I went shopping airside and brought yet more jewellery and several magazines.  Once on the plane  I was sat with these two lads who were a bit younger than me.  They were cheeky with the air hostess and drank all the way.   One of them was very chatty and talked to me a lot which was nice.  Although getting progressively more drunk they weren't badly behaved other than putting some rubbish in the air hostesses locker and going to the lavatories when the seatbelt sign was on.

Arrival in Orlando was an absolute nightmare.  I was the only person in the group on the Manchester flight, everyone else was flying from Gatwick.  Immigration was slow because they ask lots of questions and take your fingerprints.  After going through customs you have to get a monorail train through to the main terminal.  I was told on the plane that you could either take your luggage on the monorail or you could put it back in the baggage system and it would get taken over separately.  Ideally you should take your baggage but if it's large always a pram you can put it on the baggage system.  The idiots wanted me to take my large suitcase on the monorail which involved taking it up and moving escalator.  The suitcase was about twice the width of the escalator step.  I wasn't having that, it really wasn't safe.  I got on the monorail and excited at the other end.  To my surprise once you stepped out you are basically in what was like a shopping mall, not a traditional airport arrivals area.  It was on the third floor.  It turned out that baggage put back in the baggage system came out on the first floor so I traipsed down to the first-floor and had to ask where the baggage was.

The next problem was where was I supposed to meet the tour rep and group.  My instructions said to meet them in arrivals.  The big problem, where it was arrivals?  Was it this carousel I had found on the first floor?  Was it where I had come out of the monorail on the third floor?  There was an information desk on the third floor so I went and asked them where people normally got me it and they told me it was the first floor by the carousel where my bag had turned up.  There was no one looking for me down there.  My rucksack and suitcase were heavy so I didn't fancy traipsing around the airport very much and so sat by this carousel.  And sat there.  And sat there.  I had no UK out of hours contact phone number for the travel agent so I just had to sit there and hope that someone came to look for me there.  I also didn't know which flight the rest of the group will run and there were no boards in the area to say when flights had landed.  I just had to watch them come on the carousel.  There were two flights from Gatwick which came in and I simply had to look around to see if there was anyone with the same baggage label as myself.  I was starting to worry at this stage, it got to an hour after I thought the flight should have arrived and it was less than an hour before we were supposed to meet at the hotel for drinks and dinner.  Someone did eventually come and find me and I was extremely relieved.  I was at the airport for over four hours.  It turned out that the rest of the group also had difficulty working out where we were supposed to go.  Most of them had waited on level 3.  It turned out that our local tour rep was on level 2 where there was a meet and greet place!  Our tour leader did come and say hello to me but didn't give me his name so I found out of his badge!

The transfer to the hotel was okay but then we had to lift suitcases up and down steps which wasn't okay with my large suitcase.  We were staying at a Holiday Inn in a popular tourist area.  The hotel was desperately in need of redecoration and general renovation.  We were in a tower block annex.  It was really strange because all of the rooms were around a central courtyard which was completely open to the elements.  You would go outside of your room and you are immediately outside and there are sparrows on the landing!  Although the room was a bit grotty, the staff were really good all week.

The group was a little different than I expected.  Even though it was a 25-45 age group, I was still one of the youngest.  I guess with people in their 30s it can be difficult to tell.  There were six ladies and 10 men which is unusual.  For most holidays there is usually more women.  There was supposed to be eight ladies so I don't know what happened to the other two.

Friday 16th October
Went to universal studios.  Most of the group went but we split up pretty quickly with some people running off to queue up for the big roller coaster.  I found myself in the group that went on the tamer rights and not the extreme roller coasters for most of the holiday.  There was also a few people who simply did their own thing and we hardly saw them.  There were some good rides at universal.  Particularly Simpsons and the mummy returns.  The mummy returns was a slightly scary roller coaster.  I got very anxious whilst in the queue but I enjoyed it when it happened.  It was quite fast around the corners and had a few drops.  It was mostly in the dark.  Some of the attractions were of the really high standards and I was impressed.  I have been to universal in California but didn't recognise anything other than the Jaws ride.

Our tour leader organised dinner in the evening and we went to Denny's restaurant.  It was atrocious.  Basically a cheap American diner which didn't have any alcohol.  We weren't impressed.

Saturday 17th October
Went to Magic Kingdom.  Had a really nice day (till the end of the day).  Our tour leader organised a minibus to go over lunchtime and bring us back late in the evening however I wanted to spend a full day there and a few of us took the hotel bus over first thing in the morning.  I remembered quite a lot of it as it is just under three years since I went to the Paris one.  We went on Splash Mountain and the railroad coaster first thing.  There were no queues at all.  In fact we hardly queued all week.  I remember enjoying Splash Mountain in Paris but this one seemed much better.  It's basically a boat ride with a big wet drop at the end.  They built it up really well and there were several drops before the big drop.  I was sat at the front and got quite wet.  We did some of the kiddie stuff as well as stuff suitable for adults.  Again there were some really good shows.  I led our group into the children's area where they had a makeup place.  I had my face done as a Rose girl.  I was going to have Tinkerbell but another girl I was with had Tinkerbell.  A lad,  who became my friend  had a Chinese warrior drawn on his face.  It was a bit of fun and we had lots of people looking at us for the rest of the day!  It was only when I saw in a mirror that actually I realised that mine didn't suit me. 

We met up with the rest of the group late afternoon and then split again for dinner.  After dinner there was a lights and fireworks show over the Disney castle which was really good.  I've ended up was some good photos of it as well.  And then there was an evening Disney Parade.  The parade was good but unfortunately my photos didn't come out too well.  The park looks nice because it had extra Halloween decorations.  It was a rather cold day though and by evening we were absolutely freezing.  You don't expect a maximum of 20°C in Florida!  The park closed after the parade and we went back to the transportation center to meet up with the group and our pre-booked taxi.  We won't entirely sure where we were meeting the group.  I thought it was outside the monorail station but a bus parking slot had also been mentioned.  When we got there we couldn't see the group or the taxi.  There were two separate exits from the monorail so we waited midway between the two in a place where we were clearly visible.  Then we waited.  And waited.  And waited.  We didn't see the rest of the group come off the monorail and eventually fewer trains arrived with fewer passengers.  It was very cold, we were inappropriately dressed and I was shaking.  We were there for an hour before we hired another taxi back to the hotel.  As soon as we got back to the hotel we found a couple of people from the group.  Basically they had gone to a slightly different place than us, we were by the monorail exits and they were on the road outside.  They said they drove around in the taxi looking for us.  Our tour leader was in charge on this occasion and he did not get out of the taxi and look on foot in the obvious place where we were waiting.  I was really upset about this, I got very cold and the taxi fare back to our hotel was expensive, nearly 30 pounds.  Black mark for the tour leader.

Sunday 18th October
Went to animal kingdom.  Our tour leader came with us and we made sure we knew exactly where the taxi was going to be waiting at the end of the day.  I'd not been to animal kingdom before because it wasn't there last time I went to Florida.  I didn't know we were going there on this day until breakfast so I wasn't really prepared.  The park had a fantastic atmosphere.  We went on the big rides first to escape the queues.  First of all we went on water rapids and got very wet.  Water seems to be a daily theme and cropped up in all of the parks!  The variation was in how much!  Just before lunch we went on the Mount Everest roller coaster.  I could see that it had a quite big drop.  People told me that it did go backwards but there were no upside-down bits so I decided I would go on it, realising that it was close to my limit.  It was all right when it was going forwards.  Apparently I screamed a lot.  A lot of it was inside the mountain in the dark.  We went uphill and came to a sudden stop.  We had reached the end of the line and there was a yeti in front of us!  Then we went backwards, downhill, fast.  It was horrible.  It was too much for me and I have no recollection of the rest of the ride until we got to the end of the ride.  I felt extremely queasy, I had tears rolling down my face and I was shaking.  Very green.  It was one of those rides where they take a photo of you on the ride and my friend purchased two photos for us.  He was making a friendly gesture and I looked absolutely terrified.  I needed lunch to settle my stomach.

As it was animal kingdom there were lots of live animals.  First thing in the morning we went on a safari.  It was all right, we got to see some animals, but the safari jeep never stopped.  It wasn't really like being on safari in Africa.  There were also a couple of walks in the park where you got to see some animals.  Gorillas were good.

Sunday was really my off day.  I was very tired with the jetlag and not having had a full night's sleep for at least five nights.  For the first few days there I was waking up at 330 in the morning which wasn't good really.  I was still upset from what happened Saturday evening and the depression really kicked in.  It was kind of surreal, here I was in a fantastic park watching brilliant shows, thinking I wanted my life to end.  It was a shame really.  What I did realise from this experience and a few others during the holiday was that the suicidal thoughts are a reaction to situations where I have felt angry or anxious.  The negative thoughts from a simple situation snowball into thoughts of hopelessness and uselessness.  This is a useful realisation because now I know I need to work on stopping the negative thoughts from spiralling so far.

In the evening we were taken to a local steakhouse.  American steak houses are cheap and different to restaurants here.  You basically paid $10 for a meal and you could have as much as you wanted from the buffet.  The food was quite good as was the service but it was strange because you get your food straight away.  Eating out in America doesn't seem like the social event that it is in the UK where you expect to wait some time for your meal and between courses.  It was strange because you had finished your evening meal so early and you had lots of time to spare before you would normally go to bed.  After the meal I went to look in some local shops and to search for somewhere to exchange travellers cheques.  I couldn't get my debit card to work out their and the theme parks didn't have places to change them so I was starting to get worried.  In the end I found a post office which opened at 8 a.m. so had to go early the next morning.

Monday 19th October
Went to islands of adventure.  This is a separate theme park attached to universal studios.  It basically contains a collection of rides.  I went on Spiderman first.  This was a brilliant ride.  You were in a moving car which was also like a simulator ride anti-war 3-D glasses.  The effects were fantastic.  You were attacked with water and heat, you have things thrown at you by the 3-D glasses, and there was a lot of rough moving around.  I was really impressed with this attraction and it gets my award for best attraction.  There was a very big rough roller coaster in the park which I enjoyed looking at but wouldn't have dreamt of going on.  I learnt my lesson on Mount Everest!  I am extremely prone to motion sickness and I knew I would hate it.  There were several water rides in this park.  It was another cold day so we waited until it warmed up a bit before going on them.  One of the rides was a log boat with a big drop at the end.  It wasn't particularly entertaining although the drop was slightly scary.  I think in the photo everyone had their eyes closed.  Then we went on a raft ride.  We all want about getting wet but this was really getting wet.  We were absolutely drenched.  As it was a cold day I was wearing warm jeans - aren't jeans great when wet!  The water actually came up over our seats so my jeans and underwear were completely soaked through.  There was a third water ride with a fast big drop at the end.  I decided not to do this one and watched instead.  They had a drying hut where you could spend five dollars to get five minutes of warm air.  It probably dry people in thinner clothes but not my jeans!

Had a really nice lunch - nachos with cheese and chilli.  I'd never had nachos before and absolutely loved them.

After lunch the group split up.  Some people went to Disney Studios but a few of us remained at universal.  We had another go on Spiderman and then went back to the universal studios Park and had another go on The Simpsons and mummy returns.  We went to another steakhouse in the evening.  I think it was this evening that I got led to crazy golf.  Some people had been the night before and enjoyed it.  I didn't actually know where we were going until we were there.  In the end 12 of us played.  The holes got difficult towards the end and balls ended up off the green and in a few cases in the water.  I was tired and I'm generally not coordinated and I came last out of everyone.  It turned into quite a late-night.

Tuesday 20th October
In the morning we went to Sea world.  The shows were absolutely fantastic.  I saw some amazing stunts with dolphins and whales.  The whale show in particular is famous and noted as a must see.  It was also noted that people sitting near the front were guaranteed to get wet.  However there were people at the front who didn't realise this and it was extremely funny to watch went the way I went round and flapped its tail at the edge of its pool causing the first 10 rows of people to get absolutely drenched.  Also went on this Arctic attraction.  You had the choice of walking or taking a helicopter ride.  Unfortunately I didn't know beforehand that the helicopter ride was actually a very rough simulator ride.  I came off feeling extremely queasy and had to sit down for a few minutes I thought I was ready to look at the wildlife.  They had some polar bears and whales that you could look at.

At lunchtime I left Sea world to go to Aquatica.  There was a lot more to see at Sea world and I was hoping to go back, but I also wanted to take the opportunity to go to Aquatica.  Aquatica is Orlando's newest waterpark.  It is attached to Sea world.  It's selling point is that it has tropical fish and dolphins in the park.  I went there with my friend and someone else from the group joined us later.  It was quite daunting initially.  There were signs to the rides but no description of what the rides were and no overall map.  We also couldn't find entrances to the rides.  Eventually we got on this two-person waterslide where you sat on a rubber ring and went down with a bump.  I was feeling very nervous beforehand.  However once we got to the bottom of the slide I was hooked!  We went straight on another slide which was faster and a bit more scary.  In the end we went on all of the slides except one where you went headfirst down a very steep drop.  There were two rides like nothing I had experienced before.  The first one you floated along the river sat on a rubber ring and the current queue.  This turned out to be the fish experience.  Basically you floated past this large tropical fish aquarium.  The dolphin bit turned out to be a slide where part of it was clear plastic going through the dolphin's aquarium.  I had two goes on this slide and saw a dolphin in the second time.  The guys I was with said that what I was deliberately splashed in your face just as you entered the clear section.  Overall the dolphins and fish thing was a bit of a con.  We managed to go on all of the rides/slides which will open before the park closed.  There was a beach and sun lounges but it was a bit chilly to be out of the water for long.  They had the sense to heat the water which I thought was good.

In the evening it was back to the same steakhouse as Sunday and I wasn't too impressed.

Wednesday 21st October
Went to Disney Hollywood studios.  A few of us went early on the hotel bus whilst the rest of the group followed later.  We didn't meet up all day.  The studios didn't seem to have changed much since I was there 17 years ago and seemed rather dated.  There were two new attractions which were good.  One was toy story.  You sat in a car and had to shoot moving targets to score points.  It wasn't good on my wrists but was the best of several shooting rights that I went on during the holiday.  The queues for this ride were very long and the fast passes quickly sold out.  The other good attraction was American Idol.  It was basically like the real show but a one-day competition.  People visiting the park went to auditions in the morning and the best ones got through to heats.  The heats were live shows with three acts.  I saw one of the heats and really enjoyed it.  It was good to do at the nasty judge!  The performers were quite reasonable and could sing.  The winners of all the heats would go through to sing in a live final in the evening but we didn't stay to see that.  Had my photo taken with Mickey Mouse!  Rather than a traditional Disney Parade there was a block party where a series of vehicles and dressed up people danced on a block of road.  I once again felt very low at this point and it was difficult to enjoy it.  Had to pretend to look cheerful.

We got back later in the evening so missed the group meal.  We will quite annoyed to find that our tour leader had left a message asking us to choose which transport option we wanted for Friday.  The problem with this was that it had to be a group decision and we would not see the group until Friday morning.  We had to say what our group decision was by Thursday morning.  We went to pizza hut for dinner.  Had a nice pasta meal which was a normal meal size rather than American meal size.  I had a Budweiser and got quite tipsy.  There was only one desert on offer, it was like a cake slice with milk and white chocolate on top which you then dipped in chocolate sauce.  There was a single portion size or a family portion size.  The family portion size was cheaper than to single portion sizes so we went for the family size.  We were a little bit worried when the waitress said "Do you want 10?".  But when it came it wasn't all Americans sized desert and two of us got through the whole lot!  I enjoyed it and made the most of the chocolate dip!  My new friend said I was quite funny when tipsy!

Back at the hotel we didn't know what to do about arrangements for Friday and in the end left a message for the consierge saying we wanted a taxi if the group will get in the taxi otherwise a booking for a local bus.  The tickets we had meant the bus was free.  $60 was mentioned for a taxi as an approximate amount.  We asked for a message to be left for us.

When it came to saying goodnight my friend gave me a little peck on the cheek.  Yuck!  I did feel a bit uncomfortable with him sometimes.  He would try to get me to ask him questions about himself but I simply wasn't interested.  I felt a little stifled and concerned that he might be interested in me.

Thursday 22nd October
Very early start!  Left the hotel at 545 to go to Miami!  Went with friend from our group.  Our pickup was at a hotel a few minutes away so we had to walk their.  It was a long drive to Miami but the tour guide and driver were really entertaining.  I think we got there about 1130.  People on the coach had selected different options.  First of all there was a drop-off in Miami and then we were taken to the edge of the Everglades for an air boat ride.  Could have done and it boat ride from Orlando but I thought doing it in the Everglades was doing it properly!  On the rise I saw several wild alligators and a turtle.  It was only a short ride but a good taster.  Then we had a talk about alligators.  At the end was the highlight - I had my photograph taken in holding an alligator.  It was about 3 foot long and had its mouth taped up for obvious reasons.  It all happened very quickly - suddenly there I was holding it!  It was surprisingly heavy which I wasn't expecting.  Then it was back on the coach to Miami port.  My friend presented me with a Twix ice cream.  Having had him by my side was several days I was starting to feel stifled by his presence but I realised that it was good to have a friend with me and that I should appreciate him.  The tour guide recommended a food hall so we could eat quickly.  We didn't have long before going out on a boat ride.  The food wasn't very good.  I settled for sweet and sour chicken.  Basically the stall holders were fighting for customers and they gave you lots of samples.  It was difficult because I just couldn't understand what they were saying.  It was English but they spoke with a very strong American accent and extremely quickly.  After lunch we went on a boat trip around the port.  We had some fantastic views of the Miami skyline.  We then sailed past lots of rich people's houses, people like Tom Cruise, Will Smith, Elizabeth Taylor.  The biggest house belonged to the guy who created Viagra.  He owned the plot next door as well for his garden!  Most of the houses looked deserted but there were two people in Will Smith's garden who waved at us.  Most of the properties didn't have security fences, just a jetty for parking their yachts, which surprised me.  I thought they would be more security conscious.  We had really good weather and I enjoy being on the boat, however there was a rubbish to guide on the boat.  It was an American lady with a strong accent who spoke extremely quickly and we couldn't understand much of what she said.  She had one of those Mickey Mouse voices.  Unsurprisingly she didn't get a tip at the end.  After the boat trip we were taken to Miami South Beach.  Apparently it's famous for bodybuilders and other people who like to show off.  We had a paddle but didn't swim because there was nowhere to change and it was the wrong time for me.  It's that kind of awkward because we were suddenly at a loose end.  We didn't have a map and weren't entirely confident of finding our pickup point.  We had a stroll along the beach and then walked back along an inland road.  This road is famous for its art deco buildings and I photographed quite a few of them.  They were mainly hotels.  There will also lots of bars and restaurants in the area.  There seems to be a few strange people about and I was glad not to be there on my own.  Fortunately we did manage to find the pickup point.  We then had a very slow journey home.  On both the journey down and the journey back there were lots of heavy rain showers.  Florida rain showers are basically like tropical storms.  They don't last long but are ferocious.  We saw several accidents on the motorway which worried me and got stuck behind one on the way back.  In the end it took five hours to get back to our hotel.  We stopped at a service station on the way and got really lucky, just after we got in the queue and got served they closed the burger bar.  It was only 9 p.m. so we were quite surprised and they turned away several customers.

We got home at quarter to 12 and to our annoyance there was no message left for us to say what transport option had been selected for the next morning and what time we were leaving.  Another black mark for our tour leader.  This meant that we had to be up early to find someone to find out what time we were leaving.  Anxious I didn't sleep much.

Friday 23rd October
Went to Busch Gardens.  Went to breakfast as soon as it opened.  Found out that we had a taxi booked for 815 but to my horror for $60 that was mentioned was actually $60 each, that's nearly 40 pounds, a lot of money considering we could have got the bus for free!  In the end it was just over $40 as we had more people than expected.  The taxi still took more than an hour, we were told the bus was one to two hours and we would have had to get transport to the pickup point.  Bush gardens is basically lots of animals with some adventure rides.  Animal wise it was better than animal kingdom.  We got closer to the animals and saw a lot more.  Gorillas and Lions were absolutely fantastic.  I went on a few water rides and got pretty wet.  I purchased an overall this time so I wasn't completely drenched.  The roller coasters were pretty hairy but there was a wooden one which might have been suitable for me.  Unfortunately I ran out of time to queue up for it.  The annoying thing about this park was that it didn't open until 10 and closed at five.  That simply wasn't enough time to see the animals and go on the rides and attractions.

In the evening we went to Panda express.  This was a fast food Chinese restaurant.  It was cheap and actually the food was really good.

Saturday 24th of October
Had a long day at Disney EPCOT.  I remembered this park from 17 years ago, spent couple of hours playing with interactive stuff and really enjoyed it.  The park had some good rides, Soaring is the most popular where you fly over California.  There was also fast track, Disney's fastest ride where you're supposed to be testing the car.  It was one of those rides with the usual warnings but was a little bit tame for seasoned riders.  There was also a space mission.  There were two versions of this, one of the moderate riders and one for people who like the extremes.  It said if in doubt go on the moderate so I did that.  It was fun but slightly tame.  Basically you took off in a rocket and flew to Mars.  Each person had a role and had buttons to press.  It was roles like navigator, engineer and commander.  I had a short amount of time on the interactive stuff and went on this attraction where you design your own thrill ride and then rode it via a simulator.  I did a roller coaster and put some upside-down bits in it.  When it came to writing the upside-down bits were good, it was my first upside-down experience, but the rest of it was a bit slow.  In the afternoon we walked around world Showcase and one of the group brought us all and iced Margarita which was very nice.  It was a very warm day, proper Orlando temperatures, so the iced drink was very welcome.  The group met up early evening in world Showcase.  We hopes to get a nice meal but ended up in yet another fast food bar.  There was a fantastic atmosphere around world Showcase.  It's basically area's round the lake representing different parts of the world containing that areas culture.  There are quite a few restaurants and shops.  Lots of people were drinking.  I loved the atmosphere there.  At part closing time there was a fireworks and light show over the lake.  I remembered the show from before and this time thought it was a little disappointing.  After the show it was time to go home.

I had planned to pack Saturday morning but slept late so stayed up late Saturday night packing.

Sunday 25th of October
Sadly the day had come to return to the UK.  I woke up very early again so was tired but was determined to make the most of the day.  Most of the group were having lay in's or going to shopping malls but I had decided to have another day at Disney.  It was the only time I was on my own for the whole holiday.  In the morning I went to animal kingdom.  I was able to enjoy it more in a better mood.  I absolutely love the atmosphere there.  I visited a part of the park that we had missed previously and also saw a different show.  I seriously considered going on the Everest rollercoasters again to see if it was better the second time but in the end decided not to as I didn't want to feel sick for an hour afterwards.  At lunchtime I transferred back to EPCOT.  My main intention was to look round the shops, look around world Showcase in more detail and maybe have some time on the interactive stuff.  Most of the holiday I was with guys who would do all of the rides but never stop in the shops that you were forced to walk through at the end.  I like doing the rides but I also like to look round the shops.  I guess missing the shops did mean that I didn't waste any more money, but I wanted to take a souvenir or two home.  I chose a Donald Duck badge and a Donald Duck mug.  For lunch I had some more nachos in the Mexican area.  It was very warm and I sat out in the sun.  Also treated myself to another Margarita.  I absolutely loved being there and was sad when it was time to leave.  I had to get a taxi back to the hotel as there wasn't a bus at that time.  It was quite a lot of money but worth it to have more time in Disney.  I felt quite queasy when I got back to the hotel as a result of having the Margarita just before I got the taxi!

I sat with my friend on the way to the airport and he gave me a present, a small Donald Duck toy.  I was quite surprised and pleased.  When we arrived at the airport there was a very long queue for check-in.  Some of the group had checked in online at the hotel and disappeared never to be seen again.  Our tour leader had a laptop so some people checked in online at the airport.  I ended up in the queue to the very end.  It may have been as much as an hour in the queue.  They were checking in for 747's in one queue with only four check-in people working.  I wasn't impressed.  There were lots of shops in the main terminal but we didn't have time to browse.  I followed the group on the monorail to the departure area.  The departure area was different to in the UK, there were fewer shops and none sold alcohol.  We had time for a Star Bucks coffee and then it was time for me to say goodbye to everyone.  Some people had disappeared so I could say goodbye to them but I was getting quite upset saying goodbye to everyone else.  It suddenly felt very strange being alone.  I was fortunate to get a window seat on the flight although as it was a night flight there wasn't anything to see.  After takeoff I started watching a film but then my head started drooping so I tried to sleep.  Couldn't sleep could I.  The air was very dry on the plane so once I got fed up of trying to sleep I had to ask for a drink.  At some point I went back to sleep.  I have no idea how long I slept for.  I completely lost track of time on the flight.  When I came round it was to see that other people had been served breakfast and had eaten.  Fortunately I was able to get some breakfast and another drink.  I didn't get to see the end of the film.  They turned it off just after it passed the point where I had tried to sleep earlier!  It seemed like a really quick flight and suddenly we were landing in Manchester.  The landing was really smooth.  We had a short wait for it stands to become available and there was also a delay in immigration.  It was slower than it used to be.  My bags turned up and I fell into a taxi and then into bed.

To be continued ...

(Need to go to bed now and there's still lots to talk about!)

Rosie

Hello

Haven't got to finish the last post yet, just desperate to off load after today.

The day started badly.  I'm still tending to sleep later in the morning so I set an alarm for 515.  The intention was to get a lift into work with chauffeur friend to get some hours in.  However once I got up I was so consumed with rage that I went back to bed.  This is what happens when I have ended up having the day off work in the past.  Every tiny step I make towards going to work I experience a wave of anger trying to stop me from doing anything.  The key is to calm myself down but it's a major battle against myself.  I managed to calm down enough to go to work.  As I was travelling at a busier time it took longer and towards the end I was desperate for the loo so had to nip into Tesco's.  I got to work at 915, approximately 2 hours later than planned.  I was expecting being in work to be difficult whilst I went through the settling down period.  I had to phone up my annoying colleague which wasn't helpful.  My team leader was out of the office today as he has badly broken his thumb over the weekend, otherwise he might have helped.  Work wise I feel like I wasted most of the day.  Didn't achieve much.  I'm in a similar situation as I was earlier in the year working with a technology that I don't understand to a deadline that has already passed.  It's really not the way to do things.

I suspect the real reason for my waking up in a rage was that Monday's group therapy day.  I am feeling extremely troubled by therapy at the moment and don't know what to do for the best.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about it for the last couple of months.  I guess it started with the anger of the break over the summer and new people joining the group.  I have admitted to the group that I feel bad about these things.  My therapist has encouraged me to talk about things but that kind of personal attention has made things worse.  Firstly, I'm feeling pressurised to talk about what's troubling me.  Secondly, him showing attention towards me triggers a whole load of emotions.  When someone in an authority role shows attention towards me it's like I get attached to them.  All my time is spent fantasising about them, so I've been fantasising about my therapist at the last few weeks, thinking about how I could actually tell him what's wrong.  The trouble is, what's wrong is him.  My feelings towards him.  Part of my feelings is social anxiety.  I'm scared of him.  How do you have a helpful therapeutic relationship with someone that you are scared of?  There have been a few moments over the last few weeks were I have seen that actually he is a kind and gentle person and extremely bright as a therapist.  But those things have led me to feel even more stupid for not being able to say what's wrong.  So now I am in a complete mess.  I have been thinking that I need to say that my feelings towards him are a problem, they are because they are blocking me from talking about anything else.  The trouble is because I can't communicate because in so anxious I can't communicate this and I'm stressed about not being able to communicate this.  I went to therapy today thinking I might say there was something I need to talk about but couldn't.  It was worse because it was a smaller group so a better opportunity and I felt landed in it.  I didn't have any words prepared.  What is also a problem is that once I get into that environment and the real world it is so different from what I've imagined in my head and it's like everything imagined in my head is now invalid.  What is real?  Well what I can tell you is real is that I am extremely angry and confused and I don't know what to do.  Part of me has wanted an individual appointment with my therapist but I'm scared to ask because he will simply say that I am part of the group and we talk about things in the group and not outside.  I'm not even sure that I could talk to him on an individual basis.  It might be less stressful than in the group situation.  I'm wondering if going to therapy and being in a pressurised situation is actually more harmful to me than helpful.  Obviously I find communicating difficult but I can do it, just so long as I'm in a relaxed environment.  At the moment the anxiety kicks in the day or more before the appointment.  I'm scared to just leave the group because I can see that I could be walking away from a good opportunity.  If I could talk I could gain a lot from it.  I can write things here, well most things.  See, it is possible.  At the end of the session I simply wanted to cry.  I feel so desperate to communicate what I am feeling but currently there isn't a person that I can communicate with that might be able to help me.  I am so angry and my therapist makes me more and more angry.  My emotions spill out all over the rest of my life causing failures and destruction.  I can't manage my feelings.  What do I do?  What will happen is that another week will go by with me fantasising about things and I will go into the same stressful situation next Monday with the same unhappy outcome.  Circles.

I'm struggling to finish my sociology home work.  It's an essay style question which I'm not very good at.  I started on it yesterday and got fed up because I knew I wasn't doing a very good job of it.  So it got put off till this evening.  Now I am tired and irritable it will get put off until the bus tomorrow.  I guess it's an excuse for getting the bus to work rather than asking chauffeur friend for a lift.  Otherwise I will have to do it at lunchtime instead of going for my walk.

Also going to war against my local council.  I live in a mid-terrace property with no rear access.  I have a tiny cottage garden out the front, it's about 1 m by two meters square and is partly planted.  The council expect me to store three large wheelie bins in this area.  They are taking the ****. Yesterday I discovered that you can ask them to take the bins away.  They have told me that I have to have an interview with the local recycling officer before this might happen.  Maybe I need to get up in the middle of the night and dumped the bins in someone else's alleyway.  I live on my own and it would take six months to fill one of these bins, it's utterly ridiculous.  The street looks stupid with everyone's front garden populated with them.  What's worse is that we have to use clear rubbish bags so they can check that your not throwing any recyclable stuff out.  Apparently you can get fined for that.  I am so very very angry at their utter stupidity.  So much so that if there was a local election I might go as far as to vote for labour.  I swore I would never vote Labour but the Liberal Democrats have demonstrated that in my area they are completely inept.  I'm furious.

I guess I should find some things which were good today.  I enjoyed the longer bus trip to work as it gave me more time to relax.  I liked chatting about my holiday with someone from the group.  There is a social anxiety website that I could use for support.  It's really good to have this place to vent my frustrations.  There was a vase with some flowers in in the therapy room.  I've enjoyed my cappuccino this evening.  The best thing about cappuccino is putting lots of chocolate on top!

I think I need to leave the group and find support elsewhere.

Rosie

Rosie

Hello

Still an angry bunny.  Blah blah blah blah blah

I took action and wrote to my therapist.  I've asked for an individual appointment.  It can't go on as it has been.  Blow out the candles.  I said that social anxiety was a problem particularly towards him.  He probably knows that anyway but he doesn't appreciate the extent to which it affects me.  And I am feeling extremely anxious about what response I will get and it will probably be a week before I get a response.  He will wait to speak to the group on Monday evening and then write to me.  I guess I might get an appointment or I might get told to just go to the group and talk.  I simply cannot stop worrying about it.  I know that it's not at all helpful to worry about things that you can't do anything about but I'm simply unable to let go.  I have short periods of time where I get more focused on other things that most of time I can't stop thinking about it.  It's going to be a stressful wait.

Got a letter from the council today about the wheelie bin situation.  Basically they have given me a whole long list of items that I won't be able to put in my normal rubbish and will have to dispose of myself if they take the wheelie bins back.  So I guess they just have to remain on the street in front of my house permanently.  They say you can be fined by putting prohibited items in your normal rubbish but I could get away with this by using dark bags or putting my bin bag in a pile across the street.  They won't know who's it is then.  Thing is I am a keen recycler.  It's just utterly ridiculous that they are forcing a situation which is not suitable for many households in my area.  It's fine for the rich toffs with their detached and semi-detached houses.  Never mind the real workers who live in terraces.

Work is also stressful however I do have my managers complete support and that is good to know.  I'm having to learn how to deal with a very difficult colleague.  At least everyone has problems with him so it isn't just me.

I have formally dropped out of the Arabic course.  Just left a message on the answerphone because the good old adult education Department don't seem to be around at lunchtime when adults are free from their work to be able to phone them!  There was no way I could catch up with that and do everything else.  Now I'm feeling desperately in need of some chill out time but I can't relax whilst I'm worrying about therapy.

I did really enjoy college on Tuesday evening.  Ended up spending my Tuesday lunchtime completing my home work.  However it was done to a standard that I'm happy with.  Unfortunately next week's homework also requires quite a bit of effort.  I've got to find out information about diplomas for 14 to 19-year-olds and then prepare a presentation.  I have to give the presentation in class on Tuesday.  ooch!  My last presentation was about 10 years ago.  It's supposed to be in PowerPoint as well and I only have a read-only copy at home so I will be spending Monday or Tuesday lunchtime creating the presentation.  I could stay late at work Monday and do it as I have no intention of going to therapy on Monday.  I'm not going to therapy until I receive a reply and decide what I want to do.

Rosie

Rosie