Needed to get this written down so that I can come back and look at it in a few weeks/months .

Everything has changed ,and i'm determined it's going to be for the better .I'm no longer cheffing ,couldn't put up with the lousy standards ,nasty little cost cutting excercises and ridiculous amounts of work that th guys were pushing on to me,i'v been in the industry for 10 years and they expected me to serve 5 day old prawns and dead mussles ,not to mention shoving all the kp jobs on to me cos they couldn't be bothered to train the new kp ,who hardly spoke english ,or get one that could .Sadley the whole industry is going down the tubes ,it's all about profits now with no regard for customers or reputation ,as a result i'v decided to get out of it altogether .

The last twelve months have been really tough for both of us ,but we have decided enough is enough ,things wern't great for a while ,well with all the stress with losing our flat ,money ,work ,etc they wouldn't be ,we both got pretty depressed .But we  seem to have turned a corner ,we are both ready to get life back on track again,The love is still there ,if this morning is anything to go by :-) well the last week or so actually ,and I think we have finally realised that we need to be supporting and encouraging eachother not arguing and trying to shift the blame around ,

I have decided to at least try and get the writing carreer i'v wanted for so long off the ground ,already had one article printed and have a publisher (just a small local one) interested in seing some of my stuff ,going to send that today.Obviously got to find some kind of a job as well ,living on benefits is an impossibility ,don't know how people do it.Don't mind to much what it is as long as i'm not cooking .

So the attitude now is think positive ,leave the past behind ,move forward and get our life back.....most of all beleive that it can be done....all of it

KD

So a few days have gone by and I seem to be making progress ,even if it is a bit slow .It seems that life is conspiring to steal as much of my time away as possible ,I have a 1000 test peice to do for a research job but so far have only had time to do the actual research not the writing.I'm going to have to be a lot more selfish about my time and strict with people who keep wanting it,normally for no good reason,it's annoying cos I don't go barging into their lives and demand they make time for me.A friend did it today ,ok I wasn't writing but spending time with my son ,but she took up almost 3 hours of my afternoon because she wanted to use the computer and get my opinion on a business she's trying to start .Well I say that but what she really wants is for me to pay attention while she talks.I have got to stop letting people do this.

The problem is that if you are trying to work at home people think you arn't really doing anything .That's another thing for my 2009 list ...be more assertive.

I'v decided to make a list of the things I want for myself ,won't get them all this year but apparently it helps to have solid goals to work towards .

1,Get regular writing work which pays enough for the bills etc

2,find time to get enough fresh air and excercise.

3,Be more assertive with people

4 move to a place with a garden and plant some of my favorite flowers,maybe have a water feature 

5 Get a cat,not a kitten but a grown cat

6 Get a new sofa,a big one

7have my own room to work in or at least my own desk and designated space .

8 spend a week in dorset and a week in somerset ,want to look at some of the places my family came from ,go fossil hunting and see some of the historical sites

9 ,Do more drawing

10 ,become less aware of all the depressing stuff that's going on in the world and more absorbed in my own interests

That will do for now ,also obviously stay married and happy ,I did some mental arrithmatic the other day and i'v realised it has taken 14 years ,from when I first went back to education to be in a place where I feel able to persue what I want ,and almost as long to be in a relationship that I can actually see lasting,hope it doesn't take another 14 years to get everything else into place.

There must be somthing about turning 40 ,which I will in a few months ,which gives you a kick up the backside ,They say life begins at 40 ,well we shall see but I definatly intend to give it a good try .

Finally my ex husband ,boys dad ,seems to be finding the whole 40 thing a bit of a struggle ,he handled it by leaving his long term partner ,fair enough ,for some woman he worked with ,moving in with her ,only to have her move out and now 6 months later he tells me she just wants him to be her " sex buddy" I had no idea what that was ,or even that it was a thing until last year when a guy I worked with told me he had one ,well he was 24 so I guess that's not so bad ,but to be 40 and be one or to be 44 ,which I think she is ,and decide to have one ? I don't know ,it seems a bit imature to me ,like you don't really know what you want or you know you don't want the person but they are convienient ,like sex can be reduced to a similar level to getting your hair done ,wierd.

I guess it works for some people but i'd assumed it was younger people who wern't ready for commitment but didn't want to be picking up strangers all the time .Oh well you live and learn ,Guess i'm a little old fashioned......which actually turns out to be somthing I don't mind being...the alternative seems to be a rather lonely and calculated option.

I don't think there is anything left to be said today .

OOOO look at me ,i'm turning into a big blogger...i'm sure that could be a euphamism for somthing .

Anyway ,very pleased with myself today .I told my friend I had to work (I was going to pretend to be ill but decided just to be honest ) and I actually did work and got the peice I was writing finished...yay.

Best bit was I was working in bed !!!! arn't laptops great ?

Also ,on the happy theme ,DH is cooking a big chicken casserole thingy for tea which means I don't have to...more yay .It smells really good and i'm looking forward to an evening watching tv and munching chicken .

Nothing else to reprt today cos i'v been shut away with my laptop ,going to check out what's on tv tonight now...don't you envy my mad celeb lifestyle..hehe

KD

Happy February......lets hope so .

Kind of a slow day so far ,which is ok .I'v finally got around to useing the cd player on my laptop ,got nickleback blasting away at the moment :-) my son got it for me for xmas ,the cd not the laptop ,bless him he's good at prezzies .It's not a bad album ,though silver side up was better .

Planning to watch the superbowl tonight ,mainly because i'v never seen one before ,it's meant to be very glitzy and american ,should be interesting i'm not a sports fan but you have to do these things once .It would be better in the florida sun though i'm sure.

Sun ,oh god I miss sun ....and heat....spring can't come soon enough for me ...I really need to sit outside with the sun on my back....what the hell happened to all this global warming we were promised ? I feel cheated ,so the ice caps are melting ,the polar bears are pissed as hell and i'm still freezing ,bloody poor organization I say.

kd

Having a realy nice day today .It started out stressy ,emailing my cv from the pc to the laptop ,the laptop didn't want to save it in my docs for some reason.....stupid vista...but got it sorted in the end .

DH and I went for a walk in the snow ,which is when things started to pick up ,we ended up having a huge snowball fight which carried on to the car ,my side of the car was coverd in snow...inside!!!! and I somehow got the stuff in my pockets...we were laughing like a couple of kids.I love stuff like that ,makes you remember why you fell in love in the first place ,was all hugs and kisses when we got home and I just sent him a silly e card to find later , pity it's that time of the month or we would probably have had quite a steamy night too..lol..oh well can't have everything.

Back to serious stuff ,got cv emailed off etc so feel i'v achieved some thing today,also got some yummy oat biccies while we were out ..made by the border company..realy good.Must try not to eat the whole pack....keeping my wieght below 9stn despite not dashing around a hot kitchen anymore...can't have that ruined by biccies.

Not sure what I feel like doing tonight ,well I am ,I want to lie in a hot bath but we only have a shower so ...tough basicly.need to give myself some chill time..no thinking about work..stressing etc so will probably just splodge in front of the tv ,find something mindless and put my brain in a jar for the night.

Last thing before I go hang up washing....I now have nails..it's official ,it's taken a while for them to recover from all the abuse but they are actually tidy ,polished and looked after now.....god i'm becoming shuch a girl...

kd