Firstly if anyone takes the times to read this, thank you very much. It may not read exceptionally well or make any sense some of the time, but it is an important experiment for me to get my thoughts down, to help try and relieve myself of some of the worry and upset I have inside.

I have a lot of things going on in my life at the moment and i need to try and work through them in order to be happy and stay positive.

The biggest cause of my worry would be my mum. She is suffering from a lung disease called hypersensitivity pneumonitis which causes a condition called cryptogenic fibrosing alveolitis. I have become very good aat learning medical terms unfortunately. To break it down into simple terms, this means her lungs are scarred. This has left her with only 30% lung capacity. The last 18 months have been very hard, because she has declined a lot quicker than expected. She is now on oxygen to try and make daily life much easier and today she starts a new treatment. This treatment is a form of chemotherapy, we are hoping that this will stop the progression of her condition. If this does not work then she will placed on the lung transplant list. However these are not easy to come by, and when you are placed on the list it is with the life expectancy of about 1 year without a transplant.

The thought of losing my mum terrifies me beyond all explanation. I am 24 and my mum is only 53. I am a married woman and I have a wonderful family who i do not doubt will do all they can to support me. However, i cannot fight the feeling that with my mum gone I will be alone to a certain degree. She has always been the one certainty in my life. I feel that everyone else is free to leave me should they wish to. I know that my mum would never want to leave my side. It tears me up to think that she will be taking from me before i am ready to lose her.

To make matters more complicated, my husband and I are trying for a baby. We have wanted a family from the day we met and once we were married we decided to start trying. We have been trying for about a year now though and no baby yet. i am trying to relax about it, because i know worrying won't help. I have this gut feeling that it will never happen for us and the longer it goes on the stronger this feeling gets and i have friends who ahve fallen pregnant by mistake and friends who are about to start trying and i really feel i will be left behind. I pray to God that I am wrong,

I really feel that we need some good news in our life and a baby would be the most precious news of all and i just know if would give my mum something to stay positive for, a grandchild would bring her so much joy. So I will keep praying.

Everyday I have diferent feels arise from all these things going on, and new things happen to ease or worsen the situation. So i think it will help me to type out my thoughts day by day or week by week.

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Hi florence

Just a note to let you know that I have read your blog.I'm not sure whether it's OK for me to post a reply?Is this board just for people to put their worries etc down or do you expect a reply?

I really feel for you in your current situation.It is so worrying.

I lost my mum when I was 17.It was such a shock- I just thought she was ill and was going to get better-so I was still behaving like a selfish stroppy teenager - till my dad sat me down and explained that mum's illness was terminal.That hit me like a ton of bricks.

There have been many times since then that I wanted her around.I have had so many traumas to cope with since then( my dad died in a road accident, my first born died at 3 weeks old, my husband had an affair etc) when I wanted to wail 'but mum I still need you...' So I think I know what you mean.When both my parents died I felt very alone.But we learn to cope and these experiences make us stronger.

A year is a long time to have been waiting but babies come along when they are ready!I waited four years for my son.

Try to relax and do little things to cheer you mum up- surprise gifts, a ride out in the car, maybe a short holiday?

Auntie