I've decided to keep a journal via here. I've written diaries on & off over the years & it really helps, but think if I do it online, where I am a lot, I might be more dedicated & so, here I am!

I've had quite a nice day, after a not particularly nice night. I'm going through counselling right now for past 'issues' & am also struggling with my health, which is then causing financial & housing worries, so I'm feeling quite anxious.

Anyway, at 3:55am, I woke up hot & in a panic. I was staying at my boyfriend's & got up & played around online for a while, which calmed me down a bit. I didn't really know why I felt so panicked, but I was tempted to leave & get back home, where I thought I'd feel safer somehow.

What worried me most, was that I started to have doubts about my relationship. Where was it going, could I cope with the emotional side of it all, could I risk getting hurt again, etc, etc, & my mind was racing!

The dawn brought hope to me, as it always does & I managed to get a couple of hours more sleep, & my boyfriend cuddled up to me, which felt wonderfully comforting.

I left his mid morning & had my hair cut (& an indulgence but a necessity really) & did a bit of shopping & then popped round to see a friend, who made me lunch.

I'm now getting ready for my boyfriend to come over for the night & I'm cooking for us, but not until he's fixed the plug for my cooker!

I treated myself to a new little white vest top, to go with the vintage looking skirt we both picked out on our recent travels in New Zealand, so am feeling quite girly & 'pretty', which is great for my low self-esteem. I just hope he likes it.

We're going to watch a new film after & my lodger is out tonight, so we'll have the place to ourselves - lovely.

Think we're going for a bike ride & picnic tomorrow if the weather's nice, (again, he has to fix my bike first!) & we've also been invited to a bbq.

Well, better get tidied up & make myself pretty! Let's hope the evening goes well & I have a more peaceful night's sleep, with fewer worries.

Urrgghh - woke just before 1am (hence being here)from a horrendous nightmare.

I dreamt that my family (mother, three young sisters & my baby nephew) & myself were being hunted down, to be killed by some horrible men.

The men, I think, were Polish, which I can only imagine was because my Polish, male neighbours were out the front today, while I was arriving home, & while I was finding my keys, I was listening to their beautiful accents, & fantasizing that I was living in a foreign country! This must be why this element featured in my dream. In the nightmare, it was down to me to save my family (par for the course actually) & my mother's husband wasn't in it (but then he works away a lot & I guess I'm not protective of him anyway). My boyfriend only featured in a small way, at the end, when things were a bit safer.

I've not had any proper contact with my mother & three young sisters (ranging from age 19, down to 14) for six or seven months now, due to a family rift, but I saw the two youngest, while I was in town today, so think this must have triggered the dream in part. My youngest sister was dressed so inappropriately for her age that I was disgusted (my mother allowed them all to get tattoos from age 12!) & maybe it's the worry that no good will come of her, that brought out my protective side?

Anyway, I thought that as I was in a state about the nightmare (it was VERY frightening & realistic), hot, needing the toilet & my back was in pieces, that I'd get up, take some painkillers (plus, I've eaten a bit of the dessert that I wasn't able to manage this evening!) & wait for them to kick in before returning to bed, to try to get some sleep. My boyfriend is staying tonight, so I also don't want to wake him with my tossing & turning, though he did stir when I kissed his face, when I got up, so I explained what I'd be doing in case he woke & wondered where I was.

I was shattered all evening, due to a combination of not sleeping well, a health condition I have, which had flared up today & was causing me a lot of pain (therefore I've been advised to increase one of my medications, which I did today, on my morning dose & this particular medication has the side-effect of causing drowsiness) & so wasn't the most fun company this evening, though I tried hard.

My boyfriend fixed (in part, the screws weren't long enough to finish the job!) the plug socket for my cooker & I cooked (with him helping a little) us a lovely meal (if I do say so myself!), which was also really healthy, & then we settled down to watch a new film, but about half way through I had to admit to him that I just couldn't stay awake anymore & so I fell asleep with him stroking my head, cuddled up under a throw, in the TV room. Lovely. I woke at the end of the film, flailing my arms about (must've been another nightmare; I'm prone to them, unfortunately) & then we walked to my bedroom & went straight to sleep, cuddled up, after many murmurings of 'I love you', etc, which was lovely.

As I nodded off again, I kept having odd nightmares/flashbacks of my home as a child, & the feelings that came with it were scary & again, I'd nodded off for what must have been seconds, to only wake up in a start & a cry, which made my boyfriend start. I've just started counselling for painful issues of the past, & as for most people, much of it is rooted in childhood, so I think this may be the root of this new, MORE disturbed sleep pattern (which hasn't been good for years). Certainly I'm very anxious & unsettled right now.

I had, once again, some doubts about my relationship this evening, but I'm not too worried, as I don't actually have any solid basis for the doubts, & am almost certain it's just based on me feeling anxious about life in general & due to feeling exhausted, due to this & my physical health problems.

My boyfriend will be leaving fairly early in the morning, to get back to his dog (he shares his house with a housemate, so the dog's not alone!) & after I tidy up etc, we're going to a bbq at 3pm onwards. It's at the house of my 'sister-in-law;. She is the mother to my niece; my late brother's daughter & she is now married to a wonderful man, who I call my 'brother-in-law' & it was his birthday on Friday, but I wasn't well enough to see him that evening, as planned, due to my flare-up, so I'll be taking him his present down, & also collecting my birthday present from a week ago. I've also got a necklace to give my eight year old niece, which I brought back for her, from my recent travels in New Zealand.

I'm not looking forward to the bbq, as it's mainly for her father, who has been given six months to live, due to cancer, & I'm worried it's going to be a sort of 'farewell' occasion. I just feel so sad for my sister-in-law & my niece, as they lost my brother almost four years ago, to suicide, & have been through such a lot, & it seems unfair that they're losing another major figure in their lives, & I'm especially worried for my little niece. At least this time she is a lot older & has been prepared that she will have to say goodbye to her grandad in the near future. Sadly, she didn't have that opportunity with her father, my brother.

Before the bbq, if I've got time, I'm hoping to visit my good friend, who struggles with a similar condition as myself, & who is also recovering from a hysterectomy. She's so brave & a great friend (we go back to childhood) & it'll be great to see her & make a fuss.

Oh, big news: I quit smoking today! I started smoking at age 14 & smoked heavily for six years, but then stopped for 10 years, without a single puff. Then, during my separation with my husband a year ago, I stupidly started again & quickly got hooked once more. I've tried to quit but it's never been the right time (which it isn't really now), but even though I'd smoked some cigarettes today, this afternoon I put on a nicotine patch & decided 'that's it!'. In town today, I'd sat on a bench to rest for a moment & an elderly couple sat next to me. I always make conversations with strangers easily & they always seem to want to tell me their life stories! Anyway, I asked if they minded if I smoked & I got a good-natured lecture from the old man about smoking & I think that must have played on my mind a bit, & the final straw came when I was reading some pagan-related (my faith) articles & I realised how far I've moved away from living naturally & as nature had intended me to respect my body, & I felt inspired to get back to my nature-worshipping path again (which had only been neglected due to my separation, etc)& immediately flet the ability to let this awful habit go. That's not to say, even with the patch on), that I've not had the odd craving (& I know from experience that quitting causes tiredness, which would explain another reason for my exhaustion this evening), but I feel more strong & balanced in my mind. The morning's the hardest time for me with smoking, so I'll need to be very strong for that!

Well, I've rambled enough & had better think about getting back to bed soon. My arms & neck (the most painful part of my illness) are hurting from the typing (a naughty indulgence)& I'm going to have a think about what book to start & hope I don't wake my boyfriend when I get back in bed. I also need to get back there, as the cats have got up now that I'm up. They're all confused, so need to get them back to bed with me.

Goodnight & I'll be back again either this evening (or if I don't get the privacy), Monday sometime.

SB x

Oh dear...doubts & a cigarette...

My boyfriend left this morning at 10am, after lovely cuddles & a tickle fight (I was the victim) & I went from laughing to feeling a bit sad. Sad because we hadn't made love, which I always need as a form of connection & reassurance that I'm loved (I'm a bag of insecurities) & I ended up asking if if he still fancied me (which is stupid, because he spent all morning groping my bum, which he's obsessed with!) & of course, he said 'yes, but I just wasn't horny & we can't all be nymphos can we?)! He was being light-hearted about it, which is fine, & I know I'm silly & needy, but then, even though I'm seeing him later, I felt sad that he was going.

Due to increasing my medication, I've been incredibly tired this morning & kept falling back to sleep, meaning that I've had to cancel seeing my friend until maybe tomorrow & have to meet my boyfriend later to go to the bbq.

He's text me twice, but I couldn't stay awake long enough to reply (they weren't texts needing a reply anyway) & I finally got up about half an hour ago when he rang to check I was ok.

He upset me a bit on the phone, as he's recently stopped eating any meat execpt for fish, for health reasons, but said he'd eat meat on special occasions, & meals out etc, but said on his way home that he was going to treat himself to a fry up. When I asked him on the phone, ever so casually, if he thought he'd go back to eating meat full-time, he said, 'I shouldn't think so, it was nice, but it's not like I'm going to kill a cow or anything.' I've just gone from being a vegan for three years, (I was veggie from age 14 before that), to being a pescatarian (veggie who eats fish - I still drink soya milk) to see if it helps my health, & I'm struggling with my conscience & found that a really insensitive thing to say, particularly as he knows I have an affinity with cows.

I'm happy to sit with him when he eats steak etc & don't put my views on others, but that comment really hurt me. I'm far too sensitive probably, especially at the moment.

I didn't say anything to him about it. I don't like confrontation, but after the phone call, I felt a terrible urge for a cigarette & had one. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I still have my patch on.

Well, I'd better get showered & get ready to leave or I'll be late. I'm meant to be staying at my boyfriends tonight, & if all goes well, I will, so will be back on here tomorrow sometime.

Bye.

SB x

God, where do I start? This may be a short entry, because I feel so emotionally drained, but knowing me, once I start, it'll end up an essay once more!

Well, the bqq yesterday was nice & I was asked by my sister-in-law to be an honorary godparent to my niece, for her Christening next Sunday. I say 'honorary', as I'm not Greek Orthodox, which they are, & I hate churches, but I'm happy to be included.

Last night something happened at my boyfriend's, which shook my confidence in my ability to trust him (which isn't great anyway, due to my insecurities caused by past events, for which I'm having counselling for), & we had a huge talk & I cried a lot & we cuddled at the end & I felt a bit better, but then this morning when I left, I felt very sad & unsure about whether I could continue the relationship.

I'm going through a lot of stuff right now. My health is poor & is having an impact on my job, & therefore, I'm at risk of losing my home. I'm going through very painful counselling too, as you already know, plus the relationship problems I'm having with my mother & sisters make for a very difficult time right now & I just felt as if I couldn't put my boyfriend through a relationship without me being able to trust him, plus I felt that if I got out now, it'd be less painful if I did lose him somehow, or if he betrayed me.

We've kept in touch since then via texts (we decided to spend the day apart for a bit of space to think) & e-mail, & things have been a lot better. We've both been honest & open with each other & he's reassured me that he wants to be with me & that all relationships have their ups & downs & that he wants to grow old with me & can't imagine not having me in his life.

I also saw the friend I'd hoped to see yesterday & tried to put on a brave face, but she saw through me straight away & got it all out of me, & I told her all my worries about everything right now & she helped me to feel more positive about the future & is going to try everything to get me a new job, because everybody feels that the job is possibly causing my health to deteriorate & necessarily the other way around. They may be right. I'm not sure anymore.

Anyway, I've spent a lot of time replying to people on other boards, to feel as if I'm doing something helpful & useful & to take the attention away from my own concerns.

I could talk about other things but haven't got the energy.

I'm just now contemplating whether to go to the shop to get more tobacco (I've continued to smoke since my slip) or to pop a patch on. I don't really want to go out, but if I do, I think I'll treat myself to some lovely comfort food, as tonight is 'me time'.

I might even go for a walk on the beach if I can motivate myself.

I might then come home & dye my hair & have a nice deep bath (a once a week treat, as it's not as eco as a shower), paint my nails & get an early night.

Well, I'm off. Hopefully I'll make it to work tomorrow & hopefully the next time I write, I'll be a bit more positive.

Night night.

SB x

I've just woke up, & so have decided to write yesterday's journal, as I didn't have the time before.

Yesterday was a much better day.

The night before I didn't go to the shop, or for a walk on the beach in the end, as I was so tired, but put a patch on & had a two hour soak in the bath!

I didn't bother dyeing my hair. My roots are barely visible, so am waiting to see how it looks next week. I didn't get round to painting my nails either, but still did other pampering things & relaxed & read etc.

I began to feel more positive about things generally & with my relationship. A bit of space was helpful. It turns out my partner was a bit of mess while we were apart, which upset me, but then made me realise how much he needs me in his life.

I had a good night's sleep, without nightmares for the first time in a while.

I woke feeling rested for the first time in ages & so my symptoms were much better in the morning & I made it in to work & managed all of my current rehab hours today, which was good. I was a bit drowsy to start with, due to my medication increase, but then woke up, didn't smoke all day (until I left work & then only had three cigarettes all day (have just had one now too) & I think the only reason I slipped up, was because I had a meeting with my manager about my sickness etc, & got all anxious, even though the meeting was positive (I must have the most supportive manager in the whole world!) & I left it feeling more hopeful about my future.

I then left for the day & posted off a couple of items I'd sold on Amazon & then did some shopping (the bags I carried the short distance to my home were too heavy - big mistake) & had a quick shower before my boyfriend came over.

We had a lovely evening & couldn't stop hugging & kissing & although we didn't talk very much about what had happened, we said enough & things were lovely.

We had a lovely dinner & watched a great (& very long!) film & then went to bed & just cuddled up & fell asleep. My boyfriend felt bad, as he knew I had wanted to make love, but I was actually fine without doing so, as felt tired myself & felt secure enough just to cuddle up. It's probably the longest we've gone without making love (normally very often) but it doesn't feel important. We're still connected, very attracted to each other & very affectionate, so I guess it may have now moved on to a more secure, stable step in our relationship, where things slow down to a more 'normal' level, whatever that is!

My symptoms have flared a little now (they were beginning to last night & I was a bit worried, as I had some muscle weakness in my left leg, which caused me to limp for a minute or two. I usually only have it in my arms, so this was a bit worrying, but I've decided to just put it out of my mind & take it slowly for today). I think I'll be ok to go to work later, even if I have to leave a little earlier than planned.

This evening, all I have planned, is the usual 'Tidy Wednesday' I have with my flatmate (she's my lodger really, as I own the home, but has become such a close friend - she's 12 years younger than me - & we both say we're like sisters, that I can't refer to her as that!) It's my turn to clean the bathroom & she'll do the kitchen. Apart from that, I'll probably just relax, or if I feel I have enough energy, I'll try to sort through & tidy some bits in my room.

I'm having fewer worries about my housing situation, but that's another story.

Anyway, I think I'll go now. Just got to check a couple of things online, then better get back to bed & snuggle up to my boyfriend. I probably won't see him now 'til Friday, where we have a lovely evening planned. He's going to take me out to dinner & to see a film. Lovely.

Night, night or should I say good morning?

SB x