Hi Niki

It does sound to me like you already have a good coping mechanism worked out in your head (for this Christmas anyway) which is NOT TO GO to absolutely everything organised by your family while the baby-talk is high on the agenda. However I can see from your post that the thing which is stopping you putting your own plan in to action is "the pressure to be part of the family is huge ".

I wonder if it would help you to work on your assertiveness and try to say no to the people putting pressure on you in a calm and reasonable way. Being assertive is about getting what you want (and sometimes need) without getting emotional, upset or angry about things. It's about putting your point of view firmly but camly and explaining to people what YOU need. It's also sometimes about learning how to say NO.

Check out this link with some tips on how to be more assertive: http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/html/improving_assertiveness.html

and for this year, while the pain is still huge for you, go and have a Christmas that you and your partner will enjoy.

Hi Niki and welcome to the board.  I ended my fertility journey in 2004 and the first couple of years were the hardest as I was grieving the future I would never have.  I could have quite happily not gotten out of bed on holiday's as they are such a horrible reminder of what we will never have. 

I agree with Mellers and have to say now is a time to be kind to yourself and put yourself first.  If you don't feel up to family gatherings then don't go.

You might want to check out the More To Life website as they have some good articles on how to cope.  I hope that helps to know that you are not alone and there definitely isn't anything wrong with feeling the way you do.

Love and hugs,
xx Paula xx

Hi there,

I just totally stumbled across your email and please feel free to ignore anything I write! Just to give you a different perspective....Obviously I don't know anything about the ins and outs of your situation or how you must be feeling for that matter- so I can only speak from the perspective of my sister who spent 6 years having IVF- I think she did about 8 or 9 rounds in total due to not having any fallopian tubes. I could not believe the sheer tenacity that she had and during the time that she was undergoing cycle after cycle and it never working- what I saw that she did was to throw herself headfirst into being the best Aunty to nephews, nieces and friends' children that she could possibly be. She immersed herself in her existing family- while obviously wanting a family of her own. She could have become all depressed and withdrawn about the situation but she managed to react positively to what was an incredibly difficult and emotional situation for her.

What I'm trying to say is- and obviously this takes time- is that if this really is the situation for yourself- if IVF has not worked for you and that it is no longer an option- then obviously take the time you need to "heal" yourself- most certainly consult the websites that offer advice on how to cope with the situation and then once you're feeling better- perhaps rejoice in the family that you do have- albeit extended family. I don't mean this to sound patronising- and as I said before - I cannot even begin to imagine how you're feeling- but it's one of those situations where if this is your destiny- you equally can choose how to react.... You can either choose to hide yourself away from everyone (if that's what you need to do for now) or get yourself out there and make the most of your life as it is. 

Have you considered adoption at all as an option? Although it's not ideal for someone who wants their own natural children I do think this is a credible option if you want to be a mummy- lots of children out there who need loving homes and mums who have love to offer (as you clearly do) - even though it's not the same I think you could get a lot out of it and give a lot back too....

Anyway, wishing you well in however you choose to cope with your situation.

Emma