Hi, usually i post on the Due Jan 2010 board, but i really need some advice as i am feeling so scared that my relationship with my partner is breaking down.

I am 23weeks pregnant with my first baby. Me and my partner were so very happy, if not a bit shocked when we found out! We had only been together for a few months but it didnt feel wrong that i fell pregnant and there was no question as to whether we'd keep the baby.

The day before we found out, however, my partner found some emails from a guy i had had a drunken kiss with within the first 2weeks of our relationship. I had been at a wedding, had got stupidly drunk and let him kiss me. It wasnt any more than that. In fact, what i felt really guilty about(and still do) was that i allowed this person to email me for up to a week after and responded to him. He really liked me and was going on about how 'amazing' he thought i am and how he wanted to see me again. After a week, i told him that i had decided i wanted to be with my boyfriend, and that the kiss and emails had been a mistake. He accepted that and i got on with my life, which involved falling head over heels in love with my boyfriend.

As he found out the day before we discovered i was pregnant, my partner has been harbouring feelings of doubt and only what i can describe as 'hate' towards me. A few months into the pregnancy, he brought it all back up again...asking me if the baby was his - this hurt me so, so much. I was so upset that he would doubt that our little girl is his. I reassured him that it was impossible that she couldnt be, as we had only kissed, but he still obviously doesnt believe me. Things are amazing between us. There are NO issues or major rows in our relationship. But every other month, he suddenly 'flips'. He gets very very aggressive. I have even thought he might hit me, as he gets so angry and starts calling me a 'slag', accussing me of all sorts.

A couple of nights ago, it all started up again. He couldnt sleep. When i asked him why, he said 'You know why'. He brought it all back up. He told me i had to email the email company and ask them to reinstate my deleted emails from this guy, so that he could read them again to MAKE SURE i didnt sleep with him. When i said i wouldnt do that, as i think it would make things worse, not better, he called me a 'slag' again and told me it was over. That he didnt think the baby was his, that i should move back down south with my family... I got so upset that i started being sick.He didnt care. Days later, and hes still very very off with me. Hes making horrible comments and hes not the same. Our relationship is strained and im so scared its ending.

Why cant he believe me? All i want is for us to have our baby girl and to be happy, yet im spending most of my pregnancy worried, upset and on edge. I know its my fault, that he wouldnt be like this if it wasnt for that stupid kiss and emails, but its been 6months now, and it means NOTHING to me. Im scared, lonely and frightened as to what's going to happen to us.

Please, any advice would really help. I dont know what to do.

Charlotte xxx

Ah, Charlotte, you poor thing.  I have just popped over from MD Jan 10 to try and give you a bit of support. 

If I was you, I would cut and paste your original post onto a piece of paper, hand it sealed in an envelope to your other half, and take yourself off to your family for the weekend, and leave him in a quiet, calm atmosphere to read it and reflect on the basic facts and what he wants from the future.  Explain that you want to make the relationship work, but that without his trust and support, it is not going to happen.  It's that simple.  I think face to face talking is just escalating into rows which can't be healthy for either of you or the baby. 

When you get back after the weekend/few days away, you can ask to meet him in a public place to discuss fully.  I imagine he will either be pretty contrite and apologise for his behaviour and resolve to improve, or (to play devils advocate), he may have decided that the pressure of having a child so soon into the relationship is too much for him, and he wants to take a step back and have a break from you, and is using the illicit kiss/emails as a convenient get-out clause.  I think you have to be prepared for either scenario, and plan accordingly.

Keep us posted on what you decide to do, and remember, we are all hear to sound ideas off, and support you.

Love and hugs, Kirst xxx

Hi Charlotte,

What a sad situation for everyone, but this obviously needs to be sorted as much as it possibly can.  Your DP is insecure and has anger and frustration that he needs to let out and cannot seem to get past this point so it keeps raising its ugly head.

Have you sat down and had a good chat or does it always start and end with rows and anger?  He is obviously as scared about losing you as you are about losing him.

I think the suggestion about printing the message you have posted is good.  You need to get across to him that at the start of your relationship, it was all new and who knew what was going to happen.  You made a mistake by being drunk, you enjoyed the little bit of attention you had as you yourself probably felt insecure about the new relationship, but in the end, it made you realise that you wanted this relationship and you wanted to be totally committed, so this was the turning point to take that more serious step.

You didn't cheat on him and he needs to try and accept that and trust you again.  tell him that you know it will take time, but by him being the way he is repeatedly, it is slowly destroying what you have and that's now from what he is doing and not what you have done.  He needs to remind himself of this every time those thoughts start occurring.

You can offer to get a DNA test when the baby is born to secure his mind, and you can tell him that you are 100% what the outcome will be, but it will be upsetting for you if you have to do that.

Perhaps a few counselling sessions will help you as it seems a targeted problem.  See you GP and tell them that this is affecting your health and you need help.  They will find you a NHS counsellor (free) or advise you of a place to get advice.  I've had counselling for a particular issue (only 5 NHS sessions) and it made the world of difference to stopping a certain way of thinking and a pattern of low esteem that I would get myself into.  You could go as a couple and explain to him that you would do ANYTHING to get through this as he is the most important thing in your life, will be forever and has given you the most amazing gift that you are growing for the both of you and you need you and this baby to be healthy, not just physiologically.

As for the anger, if he lays a finger on you, that obviously changes eveything and you need to get out.  Perhaps he doesn't realise how much you are scared of his behaviour and how it is making you feel.

I'm sorry this is rushed (on my way out) and I hope I've got the points across I wanted to in the right way.  Good luck with everything and hopefully this fight for your relationship will be won, but he needs to have some help to get over this and counselling/relate advice may be the track you need to take for help.

Keep us posted!

Lou

x

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I never bring it up, as it really meant nothing to me and i dont want him to start thinking about it again and again. It was just a stupid mistake. We only ever talk about it when he flips out, which is getting more frequent as the pregnancy progresses, instead of less. He asks the same questions over and over and over again, and when i reply he shouts over me 'The TRUTH! Tell the truth!' - when i am!It's exhausting. Since the latest argument on Tues night things have been so strained. Im having to tiptoe around him, and i just cant physically and emotionally cope with it at the moment.I feel like im doing all that i can to please him, but im starting to feel really angry towards him. Im resenting him for making this such a big deal when we have so many amazing things happening for us right now. This is my first pregnancy, i only have 3months left to go, and im spending days of it in a state of extreme stress and anxiety. I want to enjoy it WITH him, but i feel like hes not letting that happen.

I have offered a DNA test when our baby's born, he usually responds with 'well that proves that you dont know who the father is' which AGAIN is exhausting and upsetting, as im only offering because it's HIM thats questioning me when ive told him the truth.Does he reall think i would be the type of person to do that to someone?! I wish that i was enough for him, but he just wont believe me. Part of nme thinks i should just say 'I am not talking about that anymore. Ive told you the truth over and over. If you dont believe me or trust me then thats something YOU have to deal with, with or without me. Because i want this baby to be a happy little girl, and the stress and upset this is causing us both is NOT healthy for her'. I dont know if that would be best - although i know him, he'll probably just follow me around the house calling me names / shouting at me / accusing me of things i havent done to make me talk about it again. It's like hes a different person when he brings it up, and i get quite scared at times..

This is causing me so much stress and upset. I physically shake whenever i sense he's going to bring it up and i cant bear to imagine what effect it's having on our little girl. Ive even said 'sorry' to her when ive been alone, as i feel so guilty for what she must sense and hear.

Thankyou so so much for your messages, i just need to get it all out, it's driving me mad and i hate feeling like this.

xxx

Hey hun,

Re-reading this and just wondering if things have settled down for you a little?

Lou

x

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