This is going to be a long one...... Briefly....

Im kate 27 mummy to two babies Ethan whos is 2yrs & 3 months and Isabelle whos just 9 months old I married to Gav.

My story....

For a while now I have not been feeling my self... I have been feeling very detatched from my self and my family I have been feeling guilty about stuff that really has no reason to be felt guilty about. Sleep has been a big issue for me where I cant sleep when I get in to bed but when I do manage to shut my self off the kids wake me up.

The year started off great Isabelle was born and although I had fears I would not cope it seemed to come naturally to me and things went great. Isabelle woke just once a night and Ethan was starting to sleep better so things were looking good.

So Isabelle get to 2 weeks old and Im told she has not developed hip sockets and needs to go in a leg brace for 16 weeks, I was devastated for her and TBH I was grieving as all the tiny newborn clothes we had for her we had to put away as they would not fit over the leg brace so she went in to 3-6 straight away. I was breast feeding her and because of the leg brace it was awkward to get her to latch as I could not hold her tummy to tummy and that was the only way she would feed so I had to stop I was very dissapointed and felt a terrible pang of guilt and TBH still do. I continued to feed her at night as she would feed laying down and expressed her milk but it just wasnt the same.

Later in that week Isabelle is diagnosed with reflux, she would drink her milk and then bring a lot of it back up so for this she had to have and still has Gaviscon in her milk. If we dont put it in its vomit central.

8 weeks down the line Ethan catches chicken pox and gets it really bad. He at this point stops eating which causes a lot of stress as he is rapidly losing weight. His lowest point I suppose is where there was only 3lb difference in weight between Him and isabelle.

Then.....

Then my dear uncle passes away - he was more like a big brother or even a 2nd dad to me, he helped me outwhen I was in need, chatted to each other about stuff and shared our funny/dirty jokes via text messages. He died alone and was found by my mums best friend covered in blood and the house covered in blood too. Cant remember if told you but he died of a ruptered oesophagus which was prob bought on by vomiting and stomach acids (he was quite a poorly man) which caused him to bleed out and stomach acids leaking in to the blood. I have a feeling that he knew what was happening as his important papers we layed out in his room where they were normally stored away. I worry that he was in pain and scared. Yet in another way I know he had no fear of dying or at least that what he told me. I miss him so much it hurt to even type this about him and am crying becasue I miss him. Mum still has his ashes, I know she is not ready to get rid her self but I dont want her to get rid of them at all.

Then 3 days before the funeral for my uncle Isabelle gets chicken pox really bad! This caused her to dehydrate and she ends up in hospital the day before the funeral.  Whist all this is going on my mum is beside her self with grief about her brother who she was so close too. (they shared a house together) and worrying bout me and Isabelle. It was lucky that they let Isabelle out of hospital later that day but the hospital give me hell about taking her there with chicken pox.

The funeral comes and goes for my uncle & things start to look brighter then on Gavs birthday I get a call from my dad my Nan had died earlier that morning, She too had been poorly with cancer and guess it was just her time to go. A week or so passes and her funeral comes... my dad and his siblings have never gotten on and they cause a bit of trouble at the funeral demanding that me and my dad leave as we were not welcome. So we stayed for the service as the chapel of rest and left. My dad was devasted. Now my nan had never favoured me out of all the grand children in fact i think she hated me as she never paid any interest in me. never came to my wedding or sent me birthday cards or congratulated me on the birth of her great grandchildren. But even though this was the case I cant help but feel I missed out on her and wonder why she hated me so very much. I mean what did I do to her, I did try to break the ice several times by sending card for christmas and birthdays but I never got anything in return.

Things got better again my mum moved closer it is great having her around yet with a few weeks of her being her she & Gav get swine flu which knocks them for 6 which means I running round between 2 houses and looking after 2 kids and 2 adults. Everyone gets better then mum gets a lump under her arm she needs to have an operation to remove the lump which is a very bad cyst she gets over the op really quicky but again i am runnong around looking after kids and mum between 2 houses. Mum knows its straining me and I would not complain about looking after her as she has done so very much for me but I think its here that things start to make me feel down the most.

Things seem to go dark for me days just turn in to nights and visa versa nothing seems to be getting done in the house .... its a mess. Washing seems to be piling, ironing never getting done, I have no interest in anything apart from being alone. Its still this way tbh. I dont want to even be with my children some times and lock my self away with the laptop and mess about on the net.

Mum had to go back in to hospital with breathing difficulties  a few weeks later, she spends a week in hosp... i worry sick about her running back and for the hosp using public transport as I dont drive which means 2 buses and an hours trip. Again Im not moaning as she would do the same for me but I do find this hard.

I cant stop worrying bout things, I feel so anxious all the time I hate myself, my life, my body!!!

This may shock some and I ask this is kept of the other site (FB)

 I get a bit of attention from a friend that Gav & I have. We got friends with him because Gav works with him and his partner was pregnant the same time as me in 07 although due much later. Since then we have met up at each others houses and had nights out with them, gone on day trips with the kids ect.

Anyway the other night I join MSN as many of you would have found as I requested a lot of peeps be my friend on there. Well he accepted my request and messaged me from work to say hi and ask what I was up ect. Some how the convo turned to how he was not getting any sex at home... Now I prob lead him on a bit here but offered him some websites that Gav and I know of with adult content on if you get my drift.... !! He accpeted so I mailed them to him.

So later that night he was home from work and msn'd me again to say thanks for the email with the sites and that it helped him iygwim. He then started asking Q's bout my sex life I answered them but was a bit embarrased about it. Anywany I say Im off to bed and we leave it at that. But the next night I was on again and he MSN's me again. Following on from the last nights convo he chatted bout sex n stuff and being adults it didnt bother until he told me that he W@nked over the thought of me. ....

He then proceeded to tell me he fancies me and would like to have sex with me. Im in total shock about this but I dont know why I did it but I started to flirt but real bad naughty flirting... I felt like a complete whore for doing it as I love Gavin so so much. I have no feelings for this person at all and would not say he is my type either so why I did this I dont know. 

  I decided to tell him that im not interested and think things are settled until he agrees to go out with Gav to go to liverpool to see the Queen Mary 2 that was there (Gav likes ships ect) but whilst they were there I get a text from said person telling me he thought that it was wierd him being out with Gav as all he could think about was he wanted f**k his wife.  This in turn is making me feel a bit shit as I love Gavin so much and now I am virtually starting and affair with this guy as I just could not help but reply to him. I ask him to meet me a few days later so that we can chat about this situation face to face as I dont want it to get out of hand and some how we ended up kissing. I felt distraught after this happened... i was devastated for Gav. After a day or two I fess up to Gav that I have kissed some one else but did not say it was his mate just some random guy. Gav was pished off but said he admired my honesty and as long as it went no further then he was fine bout it. Thankfully nothing more has been said about it.

This guy though wont now take no for an answer and keeps harrasing me!

Im not helping my own situation here am I ???

Then other day I was at my mums house with the kids and I just burst in to tears and do you know what set me off.... my dad telling about train times... I mean whats that all about. I composed my self and then with in minutes I was hysterically crying so I booked the day off work as I just could not control my emotions, I have since been to the docs and gotten tablets and a note for 4 weekd but  My life is such a mess..... I hate it... well apart form my kids they are my rocks even though they can wear me out.

I want out....... I went to the tablet cupbaord the other night and looked at all the tablets thinking which ones would kill me faster!!! I considered stading infront of a train today at the train station too.  I hate what I am doing to my family being like this.

(cross posted on my birth board and depression board)

Kate. X.

 

Hi

Loads of hugs.  You must be feeling terrified feeling this way.

I really do feel you need to see your GP or Practice Nurse.  It certainly sounds as if you could well need help - you have had so much to deal with.

If you feel you need to talk things through, the Samaritans are really good.  Don't hesitate to phone them

08457 90 90 90

http://www.samaritans.org/

I find that being able to talk things through with someone can really help so much.

Perhaps you could delete him from your list of msn contacts - then you will be able to go online and not worry about being put in the position of having to chat to him?

Be kind to you, you really have had so much to deal with.

Sending loads of strength your way.

Jane

(((hugs)))

You have been through a lot in the last few months.  I can relate to you with the breastfeeding.  My ds2 Isaac is failure to thrive so I had to give him EBM after every feed as a top up and formula as well.  I was also under a lot of pressure and made to feel like a failure at each weigh in which took away the joy of breastfeeding.  Have you talked to your GP or HV about how you're feeling.  There is lots of help available, anti-ds, counselling, support groups etc you don't have to suffer alone.

Love Sophie xx

CL on coping with miscarriage.  CL on postnatal depression

 

"I haven't a clue as to how my story will end. But that's all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, you don't conclude that the road has vanished... and how else could we discover the stars?"

Mummy to ^i^Eleanor^i^ (June 05), Jeremiah (July 06) and Isaac (April 08)

Big hugs hun, not much advice as am suffering and struggling myself but please just kept talking it makes it easier in the end, the tablets do work and as for the friend tell him were to go or u will tell his wife etc as he took advantage of u when u were down etc!!!
U know were I am if u want to talk anytime I am off work for the next 2 weeks so will be around

Lyndie

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