Hi,
Popping on this board from mums club August 2009.
My son is now 9 weeks old - not sure if I have PND or just the baby blues but I feel absoloutely awful. I have suffered with depression on and off for the last 16 years and was so worried of getting PND..
I have never felt so lonely in my life - I don't have any parental support and tbh most of my 'friends' have been to see us twice in the last 2 months. I am on my own most days and count down the minutes until DP gets home. But even then all we seem to do is argue :-( Its really affecting our relationship. I knew having a baby would be difficult, but I never expected to feel so detached from DP and generally miserable.

I feel terrible even writing this, but all the time I was pregnant I was convinced I was going to have a girl - if I am honest I really wanted a girl. Anyway, when my son was born I was shocked, but overcome with what I felt for him and it didn't matter.

We had a tough few weeks in the beginning with coughs and colds, then we both had thrush. He seems really grumpy most of the time - he is happy and content sometimes, but being out and about anywhere is so stressful as he always seems to cry when he wakes up, and wriggles and squirms. I just want him to be happy. I sometimes feel embarrassed that he is always like this which is an awful thing to think, I know. Doesn't help that 2 of my close friends have babies only a few months older than my son and they are angels. As in they sleep all night, coo and smile all the time. Both of them wanted girls and had girls.

I have found myself over the last few weeks looking at my son and wondering if he had been a girl, would he be less grumpy which is probably ridiculous? Everyday just seems stressful. I don't even want to make plans to meet friends as I am so scared he will just start crying and generally whinging. I am also BF,but hate doing it in public and have had trouble expressing so have yet to try a bottle.

He just seems so unhappy and in pain alot of the time. He generally crys everytime he wakes up. Feeding can be a nightmare - he is good at feeding but seems to be a little sick after every feed with either thick curd type stuff, or watery. He wriggles and crys and stiffens up and arches his back. I thought it was wind so have been giving him infacol, but to no avail. Also thought it was the thrush back, but HV said no and that he is possibly just like this.

I was so hoping that it was the thrush making him so unsettled as at least it could be treated. But looks as if there is nothing wrong with him except he is just going to be like this. He is often only happy when he is over a shoulder and being walked around. He doesn't have colic as he is not inconsoable and its all day.

I broke down this morning as I just feel so lonely and exhausted and generally crap. DP took our son out for an hour in the car - the first hour I have had to myself since he was born.

Sorry this has turned into such a long post, just needed to get some feelings out. I am scared as I don't feel I am bonding well enough with him, and am starting to feel so guilty that I wished he had been a girl and things like that.

I do love him, so very much. He has the most beautiful smile when he does smile. We go for walks, I talk and sing to him constantly but I feel so, so guilty as I sometimes find myself trying to get him to sleep as at least he seems happier then. What kind of mother doesn't want to take their child out and about and show them off because they get stressed and embarrassed when he wakes up and immediately crys?...I feel like an awful mother and a bad person for thinking these things.

Thanks for reading this if you managed to get this far,,,

Carol x

Hi there!
Just popped on the board and wanted to reply to your post.

I think I wrote a near similar post when immy was 10 weeks old in terms of feeling lonely and isolated.

It does sound like your little man might have reflux but if that's true your gp can do lots to help and there will be lots of ladies on your mums club dealing with the same too.
Dd1 is now 6 but had reflux so badly and moaned and cried 24/7 and never slept where as dd2 is an angel, it's just dependant on every baby as to if they cry or eat a lot or hate naps and boys or girls doesn't seem to make much difference, when he's 18 yr old u may see a difference though ;)

what's great is that you recognise the feelings you are having and can act early and get help from your gp or support from our boards or friends. it can't harm just chatting to your dr or hv about how you feel.

I love my dd2 soooooo much but was diagnosed with pnd when she was 3 months, I've never hated her or been angry like I was with dd1 but I felt lost and self conscious lonely and needy.

Just remember it doesn't make you a bad mum at all xxxxxx