Hi everyone

I have a little boy who turned 3 last month.  I am at the end of my tether with his behaviour.

He attends nursery two days a week and they tell me he is a golden child.  No trouble whatsoever.  At home he is constantly shouting at me and his dad, and making demands and orders.

He wont let us interact with him for very long.  and is particulary bossy with me.  i will try to observe and play with him and he will say to me "go in the kitchen" or shout at me "sit down".  He rarely shows me any affection except bedtime when he has his dummy in.

We noticed when he was younger his speech was behind, he attends a speech therapist, who is not concerned, and says the main problem is with his listening skills and has given me tools for listening all of which I have tried before anyway, she says as that improves his speech will, and it does get better each week.

Despite this, its still very difficult for me, I feel so rejected, and feel I must of gone wrong somewhere.  When he shouts at me, or demands a snack or treat, its an order, sometimes with a please, but initially its a shouting order, and if I say to him "ask me nicely please" he will repeat that back to me.  Its hard to carry out discipline like the naughty step, as he is hysterical and rarely learns from it.  I dont smack because he is too immature to understand, I think this would just embarrass him.  He wont hold my hand when out, its impossible to get routine day to day jobs done outside the home,like doctors, or shopping.  I have to sought a sitter as I usually end up with dirty looks and stares as his tantrums are so explosive.  Potty training was impossible.  Swimming is a nightmare, wont attempt to take his feet off the ground, and at the baths we use there are lots of little toys, that he wants to just hold all at once, then when one strays and another child attempts to play with it, he goes mental.  He occasionally used to lash out and hit me, but he seems to of stopped that.

I would love for him to start hobbies such as gym lessons or swimming or football, but dont think he would get it yet.  I just feel so guilty as I am on tenter hooks all the time with his temper.  he is such a kind child deep down, always been so sweet with babies, and very gentle with other children, in fact bordering timid, flinches sometimes if a loud child runs past him.  yet in the house he is extremely loud and demanding.  I still have to hand feed him as he wont eat.  He can use cutlery but with us he wont.  I have in the middle of banning toys at the table which is another protest each feeding time.  He is insistent on taking toys to his table where he eats, and if i try to explain when he has eaten he can play with them, its just another delaying tactic.  Believe or not he is great going to bed, I read him a story and he goes off no problem.  I would love to sit downstairs and have storytimes with him, but he will not interact with us that way.  I feel I bend over backwards and he gives us nothing back.

I have a baby now of 2 weeks, and he initially was lovely with his little  brother, he still is, but his behaviour with us has gone worse, and I cannot cope with trying to please him. Luckily at the min my new boy is a big sleeper so he is easy to care for, its my other one that is more like the baby.  I cant help but feel annoyed when I am feeding the older one at 3 years old and trying to calm his constant wingeing.  Its worsened if I have had visitors who have wanted to hold the baby, he starts shouting at them or me, Nooooo, mummy hold the baby, and then throws himself on the floor.  I am starting to have daily crying sessions now because I love him so much and I try so hard with him and I feel he doesnt love me or i have lost the bond along the way somewhere.  even though my family say its just a phase and he does love me.  I feel I am slowly but surely getting depression with it. 

If anyone has been through a similar situation please let me know.

Amanda x

First of all congratulations on your new little baby! How wonderful!

Ok, now to the reply about your concerns.

I know from my experience that having a new baby seems to have a huge knock on effect on the older sibling, and how you see them behave, I think my 3 yr old seemed pretty awful at times but in hindsight she was no different from other children, apart from she had a very tired mother!

I think the latter stages of pregnancy are such hard work that their behaviour seems worse, and I remember thinking after ds was born that she hated me, and I wasn't that smitten with her, and it hurt me a lot because up until I was 8mths pregnant she was so wonderful!

She was brilliant with her daddy, but ofcourse he wasn't carrying a bump or then feeding a new baby through the night and coping with keeping emotional hormonal crying at bay (that was me!)

He really doesn't, in my opinion seem any different from any other child of 3, and I think right now you need to simplify your life. If he eats well with 1 toy at the table, let him, and chop his food up ready to eat. Remember boys are lazy eaters on the whole........even at 5 my son often ends up with me spooning food into him just to get it eaten because he really can't be bothered. You think you are worried at 3, try it at 5! But if I do spoon it in he eats it, and we are both happy and I am pretty sure he will get fed up of it and be more independant when he realises he can me more picky if I don't!

Could you get him into nursery another day just to give yourself a break? Or take him to mums and tots? Ask nursery what they do to encourage him to share, they should help you and your health visitor too.

Also try try and try to have some time just with him, try making a cake and letting him get messy and having fun, or letting him lead a game oin the carpet with his toys or whatever.

I would respect his thoughts for now about everyone handling baby, maybe tell him before hand that your friend wants to come and see him, and encourage them to chat with him first, then maybe put on a favourite dvd for him to watch whilst they then fuss the baby?

I am sure you will get lots of support here.............it is tough but you will both get through this!

xx

Just had to reply. I really do feel for you. My DS was the same and is still testing at times evn at 4.5.

Sometimes as parents we have to take a step back and look at our children in a different way. rather than trying to work them out we have to accept them for what they are. The toddler tamming book is excellent by the way.

Some children especially boys are like puppies, have mad episodes, need a god run, lots of treats and a good cuddle when they aren't chewing the sofa or jumping off the ceiling light. I have the same age gap between my 2 and it does get easier. DS went through a 3 week period exactly after 2 weeks when my DD was born of really bad behaviour. We had to come up with new plans to tackle it. As they get older you have to change tactics. Might be worth trying these -

Edited to say - Praise lots .

1-2-3 - say this and if he doesn't behave or stop what he is doing remove him even if he is out.

Ignore him. Walk away and don't make eye contact for 3 minutes.

Naughty mat with timer - Just a simple cushion or carpet tile. Place him on there so that he can see the timer and hear the bell when it goes off.

Food time - allow him to have one toy only. Walk away for 5 minutes, return and ask him if he needs help to eat. Help feed him but also get him to do it aswell. Reward with a big clap and a song.

get the reins out if he doesn't walk or old hands. Tell him he has 2 chances. Yes you will struggle to get them on  and the embarrassment will be horrible.

Avoid going to places if you feel uncomfortable. Kids hate shopping and there is no point in doing it to yourself until he learns your rules.

Potty training will happen when he is ready. Your DS is strong minded so anything you try will probably won't work. My ds did it on his own just after his 3rd birthday. Yes it took 6 months but now he is dry at night, can take himself to the toilet and loves being a big boy. No need to stress.

Try if you can to spend quality time with him. He will play up more if his sibling is around. We started taking DS out for a coffee around 3. He suprised us and actually sat down the whole time. For a boy that hates sitting down it was quite an achievment. The cuddle thing will happen over time. My DS was never into cuddles but now he can't get enough.

All this hard work is worth it. Be consistant and rest when you can. I know what your going through but the rewards are so worth it. He has spirit and you don't want to take that away from him.

If you need to talk just email my profile.

Mel

Hi Amanda

It really sounds like you have your hands full there.  I don't think your DS is any different to any other 3 year old but like all of them, he is pushing the boundaries to see what he can get away with and of course he has a new baby to share you with so that must be hard.

I think you should enforce the naughty step or time out, even if he is having tantrums and getting hysterical.  If he learns that by having a tantrum he gets what he wants, then he will continue.

My DS is 4 and is mostly well behaved but sometimes can be a right handful.  He is worse if has not had enough sleep.  He will try giving me orders but I don't accept it and if for example he demands a milk shake, I will ask him to say sorry, if he doesn't, I tell him that he will sit on the step, if he still hasn't apologised, I will sit him on the step for 4 minutes and tell him he is not getting a milkshake for asking like that.  Some days it can be really difficult and he will persist in bad behaviour, I realise that I have to then persist in the punishment (naughty step).  I have a rule about toys not being allowed in the kitchen, when this is broken, the toys get told to get out or they will have time out.  Toy time out is different to child time out, the toys go on top of the fridge (where they can't be reached) and stay there for a day.  Action Man does not like this, but he has been told before that he is not allowed to cook in my kitchen.

When I first started taking my DS to football, just after he turned 4, he was terrible.  He wouldn't listen to instructions, would go asn pick up all the cones and put them on his head or lie down in the middle of a game.  I tried not to get to worried about this and let the coach deal with his behaviour on the pitch as much as possible.  I told him he could not have a snack until the coach said it was snack time and I used to take a special treat or chocolate along that he could have if he played well.  It took a while (and a break for school holidays) but now he is equal with the other children at football.

The nursery staff made my DS a 'Listening Book' which we had a copy of for home and one at nursery.  It was to teach him to listen to instructions.

I don't think it's a good idea to feed your DS, if there is no problem with his development then he should feed himself.  Put the food down for him and leave him to it, if it's not eaten after 30 minutes, take it away and that's that.  He won't starve, but if you feed him, there is no motivation for him to put the toys down and eat or to change.  I don't allow toys at the table but I know others often have a rule of just one toy.

Funnily enough, my DS is also great at going to bed and once I have him up the stairs, it is no trouble whatsoever. 

Make sure you have enough time to give to both your new baby and your DS and take any offers of help from friends.

Ana

Hi

Just wanted to add - my DS is only 2, but I find his behaviour is dramatically better if he has had a long stretch outdoors - since he stopped morning naps I have tried to spend at least an hour in the playground with him every single day, Mon-Fri this is 1:1 when his big sister is at Kindergarten. Even better is when we go for a walk first (with him on a ride on or balance bike) and then take a football into the playground, and so are out a bit over an hour. An added bonus is of course it raises the odds of an afternoon nap happening lol, and if he has had a good stretch outside and a nap he is the most wonderful child - if he has been in all day he is - not lol.

Ds was born when DD was 2 years and 1 day old and I used to put him in a sling (under my coat as winter drew in) and take her outside as much as possible too, and it was perfectly manageable, so hopefully will be possible for you - then again maybe you have lots of outdoor time already, in which case my tip is useless and old news, sorry!

I do think 1:1 time for the older child is very important - DD goes to bed half an hour after DS, evn though at 4 and 2 they could be put to bed at the same time, it is so that DD gets an hour of "Anna time" when she chooses a wind down activity (can be stories, but often board game, puzzle, activity book or me playing one of her imaginary role play games with her with my full attention - last is not my fav lol) and I (or occasionally DH and I) give her my full, undivided attention. I think this really helps - we didn't start the dif bedtimes at 2 weeks old of course as DS was downstairs until we went up, but then he napped plenty and we had the 1:1 time then. Now she is 4 I try to leave DS with DH and take DD out on my own for a couple of hours at weekends - sometimes we used to run errands but now I try to take her swimming most Saturdays, and a couple of weeks ago we went to the cinema, just the 2 of us, which she loved. I have been lucky with her and her little brother though, maybe because she is a girl, or maybe just her nature, but she has only pushed him over once (when he was newly walking) and he is unfortunately more likely to hit or push her! Still they really get on very well!

Your son only wanting you to hold the baby is something my DD said constantly when Ds was newborn too, it really upset her when he was tiny and other ladies held him, she got really upset - it def wasn't jealousy on her part, she was being protective of him, I am totally sure. Once she started Kindergarten when she was 3 and he was 1 she was even more protective every time we dropped her off and picked her up and hovered around keeping other children away from her brother, telling them he was only small! She has backed off a lot on this though now, possibly because he is now as big as some of the smallest 3 year olds in her class! Just a thought that this may be a manifestation of your son being caring and protective of his tiny brother and family unit, and it will pass!

I wouldn't spoon feed a 3 year old - I can't remember when I last spoon fed my son, he eats with a children's metal knife and fork like his big sister, and I would not go backwards from that unless he were ill. HE has got fussier recently, but in our house we all eat together (me with the kids always, DH with them at dinner when he is home in time, which he usually is) and no big deal is made of whether they eat or not - sometimes they do reject a meal, all kids do, but it is not a battle ground. Kids don't sit down and plan ways to be manipulative, but if you get stressed and make them the centre of everyone's attention over meals they'd be fools in a way not to play on that... I am a definite advocate of all eating together, not expecting a child to sit alone at the table (or off at a kids table) and chatting while eating etc not concentrating totally on the food and who is eating what - if you cannot eat with your DS due to BFing or to wanting to eat dinner with your DH at least try to sit with him and chat, and if he doesn't want the food just say fine, no alternative offered but take it away. He will eventually eat if you don't make a big deal of it.

I agree with not taking children on town shopping trips - I rarely do, I think it's asking a lot and wouldn't want one of those baby zombies dragged around the shopping centre in a buggy swigging juice from a bottle so mummy can browse the clothes shops - internet shopping or a quick dash in. Food shopping can be harder to avoid, but I believe internet shopping can be a practical option in the UK.

Only other thing I would say is that "Choose your battles" and don't expect yourself to be a super-mum, esp when you have a newborn, and only worry about the big things is always good advice...

Sorry that is long and doesn't address all your worries, but hope there is something helpful in there if you get around to reading it!

Good luck, and congratulations on the new arrival!

Hilary, Anna (4) and Erik (2)