I got the report last Thurs, I havn't been able to post until now. I'm so crushed and it feels like my heart has been broken all over again. They called Sophie's death a serious untoward incident and admitted to a catalogue of failings throughout my labour. Sophie's heartbeat had been pathological for hours and yet they took no action. They said they were short staffed and the midwife dealing with my care was fairly inexperienced and 'out of her depth'. They put me on a hormone drip and despite Sophie's heart rate failing they increased it. At the end of my labour Sophie's heart suddenly dropped and it was discovered that at that moment i'd been left on my own when I shouldn't have been. Upon the midwife's return she flapped about trying to find the heartbeat for ages. It took them half an hour to realise what had happened at which point I had the crash c-sec but it was too late. The damage had been done. I feel so angry and let down. I feel so angry that I trusted them. I can't stop shaking. They said the midwife is under supervision now and they've taken steps to improve and learn from it but that doesn't help me! I blame myself for going there. I hate myself and I hate them. I don't know what to do. I want justice but it's so hurtful to think about. I just don't know where to go from here. They just don't seem to get the fact that this 'incident' has cost me my precious baby, my future. That they've ruined my life. I've never been this sort of a person before with so much anger. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't really know what anyone can say to this but I just have to write it somewhere. I'm sorry it's a ramble but I can't read it back again. I'm so hurt. Why has this happened? It's so senseless. I just want my baby back, making me laugh with her kicks and rolls and making me so happy. Surely it is manslaughter what they've done. I just don't understand how they can make mistakes where lives are concerened. They were such basic mistakes. They showed us the print out of Sophie's heartbeat and it was obvious she was in distress and obvious that at one point something very acute happened as it fell sharply and never recovered and yet they did nothing! I can't take it anymore. How can I live with this.

Audrey   

Oh Audrey, sweetheart, I'm so very sorry. They were so wrong, and you've paid the highest price for their mistakes. I can only imagine how angry and upset you are. I wish I could make it all ok for you, i really do.

Please know that I am here listening, and I'm so sorry.

Sending you lots of love.

Jeanette

Mummy to India, Eden, Angus, Sid and Florence

Im just heartbroken reading your message. How can they get it so wrong. I can't pretend I know your pain because I can't. But as a mother and an Auntie who has just lost my niece because of stillbirth I know I would want a better conclusion than the midwife wasn't experienced.

Personally I would speak to a solicitor. May not lead to anywhere or report this to head of the hospital (not sure how you would go about that). Im sure the CAB office will be able to point you in the right direction.

Sorry if my message was so rubbish.

Take care Audrey

Mel

Hi Audrey

I am so sorry, I like you knew in my heart that the outcome of Thursday was probably going to be a mistake made by the staff at the hospital but I didn't expect it to be such a catalog of erors, so many opportunities to do something different, a chance to make a difference which wasn't taken.

It has left me so very angry, it hurts that you have been left like this, like you say it has ruined your life, left you without your precious daughter.

I know we have mentioned solicitors before but I think right now it might help, it may give you something to chanell your anger into, an opportunity to make them pay in some respects, make them realise what they have done to you and your family. You could stop the process at any time but I sense that you need to do something to try and make amends. It doesn't have to be about the money, you want an appology, you deserve this and so much more, you want reassurances that things have changed, that lessons have learnt.

Maybe you could use any moeny you claim for as compensation to make a difference, maybe to provide the neonatal unit with model kits for hand and foot prints for angel babies. That way you won't receive it but will go through the process to gain the closure for no financial gain.

I hope I haven't upset you but I really feel that you want something more than the meeting. Have the hospital confirmed in writing that they made mistakes, would be worth asking them to now.

With Amelia I really don't think the mistakes made caused her brain damage, I suspect that there was always going to be an element but I do believe the cased the damage to be so sever it caused her death but who knows what life for us would have been like.

I am so very sorry Audrey, I hope I have upset or hurt you as it wasn't my intention, keep talking I hope it helps.

Much love

Pippa

Hi

Thank you for your replies, didn't sleep well last night, it's so hard when it keeps going round and round in my head and all the what if's become so hard to take. We're going to take a few days to think about what we're going to do next. I don't want to rush into anything but at the same time I want some sort of closure as soon as possible because thinking about the next step hurts so much if that makes sense.

I want to make an official complaint, I think I can find out information from the hospital's PAL regarding this. I want an apology and as you mention it I do want a letter confirming mistakes were made. I think we will seek advice from a solicitor but I may need my husband to do this. I always thought if it came to this I wouldn't want to seek compensation but I don't know how else to get an apology and for them to realise what they have done to us. I need to find strength from somewhere and do a lot of thinking.

I thought that in the future i'd like to help the neonatal unit where we were transferred to because they do a wonderful job there and they made sure I had some precious memories of Sophie to take home. I just don't know where i'm going to find the strength from when I just feel like curling up to a dreamless sleep and not waking up to this nightmare. The hospital have offered us an opportunity to go back and ask more questions and to see where they are making changes but I want more than that. I want someone to be accountable. It's so awful. I want my baby back so much. I miss her. I look at my swollen tummy and it's almost like she is still in there sometimes and I can imagine her kicks poking out. This is all so painful and hard. It should never have happened. No one but us can really understand the immense pain and heartache and i'm so very sorry for all your losses.

Love and hugs Audrey x