Good luck as you start back at work today. I hope that you don't find it too hard being away from Lyla and that you soon get back into the swing of working life.

Let us know how you get on.

Bless you Kathy for even remembering that I was back at work last work, you are a great CL.

TBH, I found the whole thing horrendous :o( I knew I would miss Lyla but it was even worse than I thought and there are a lot of reasons. The root of it is that it's confirmed that I just want to be a full time stay-at-home Mummy until she's a good bit older - I know it's not a very twenty-first century attitude but I love being at home with her, watching her develop, taking her swimming, to music class and generally just taking care of her myself. I even enjoy the housework and the cooking and washing and ironing (well, most of the time!!). I didn't wait 4 years for her to give her to someone else to look after (BTW, these are just my own personal feelings and views and I'm not judging anyone else on what they feel and do in their own lives, I know everybody is different and everybody's circumstances are different). Added to that is that I travel an hour in rush hour traffic to get to work so, although I'm only working for 7 hours a day, we're both out of the house for 10 hours - 7am-5pm. The weds was the worst because I had to wake Lyla up to stick her coat on over her PJs, bundle her out into the cold car and dump her at my Mums. It just felt so wrong. I cried all the way to work on the phone to DH. My boss is fantastic and after having a total meltdown with her, she has arranged for me to alter my hours from next week and only work 9:30-3:30. Although it's only 2 hours less a week, I'm hoping it will make a big difference because Lyla will be able to wake up naturally (she NEVER sleeps beyond 7:15 and rarely beyond 7:00), we can have breakfast together, a bit of a play and I can dress her and take her to my Mums at 8:30 instead of 7:00. I'm not worried about how well she's being looked after or anything, she's with my Mum and Dad for heaven's sake so couldn't be in a better place. That isn't the issue at all although I am mindful of the fact that they are 68 and 71, albeit fit and healthy and devoted to Lyla. DH is being great and when I phoned him on weds am he told me to just turn the car round, go home and that we would somehow manage on his wages. The primary reason for me going back to work was to save most of my wages so that we could go back to Barbados and try for a sibling with our remaining frosties. But not to the detriment of the child and the contented family life we waited so long to have.

I do enjoy my job but I'm not particularly career orientated and it doesn't really bother me that I'd have to start from the bottom if I leave my profession now for a few years. Lyla is my priority. Don't get me wrong, there were moments last week when I really got into what I was doing and felt quite happy.

I'm trying to focus on the positives of which, compared to some working Mums, I know there are many - it's only 2 days a week (but it feels likes 2 weeks), it's my Mum and dad who are providing the childcare (but it's not me), my employers are being extremely accomodating (but if they weren't maybe it would be easier to just leave), we can just about pay the bills without me working (but can't go back to Barbados or indeed even have a weekend at Butlins!)

This has turned into an epic but it feels good to put down all the thoughts that have been whirling round my head all week. I honestly don't know what the outcome will be - I know that changing my hours will make a difference, I'm just not sure it will make enough of a difference to me. God, I'm such a big woose! DH is being supportive and just wants me to do what I feel is right.

On a positive note to finish, we had Lyla's birthday party yesterday and it was a fab, fab day with cupcakes, sparklers and a bonfire in the garden :O) We're having a grandparents tea party on her actual birthday on Tuesday.

Love

Faning X

Hi hun,

Sorry to hear that you found your first week back at work so upsetting and that really you don't want to be there.

You don't have to justify why you would prefer to be a SAHM - hey, at the moment I'm lucky enough to be one ! I can't say I've ever got to enjoying washing and ironing though :o)

What do you do for work ? Is there any chance that you could find something nearer to cut down on the travelling ? It's great that your boss is being so understanding and will allow you to cut down your hours so that you can at least see Lyla awake in the mornings when you work.

It must be very hard knowing that to try to use your frosties, you need to work and be away from Lyla and that there's no guarantee on the outcome if you do manage to save the money to go to Barbados and try with them, however at least you would be able to say that you gave it your best shot for a sibling.

You may find that it gets a bit easier in a few weeks time as you get into your new routine. If you are still equally unhappy, say, by Xmas time, then it might be worth reconsidering if the amount of unhappiness you are experiencing is worth it !

Remember that Lyla will also gain a lot from the time spent with her Grandparents. One of my friends lived just round the corner from her parents in law, and from almost week 2, they took the baby on a Saturday night so that my friend and her partner could have some time together. We all thought it was a bit strange leaving the baby so young, but it worked for them. The little girl grew up adoring her Grandparents (sadly the Grandfather later died) and it meant that if my friend was unwell, her little girl was perfectly happy to be looked after by Granny and would frequently ask if she could go and play with Granny.

Let us know how you get on this week with the changed hours. Glad that Lyla's party went well - I bet her eyes lit up with the sparklers - Becky adores them.

Hi Kathy

Thanks for your sensible advice. Well, today was the first day of reduced hours and it was 100% better than last week - I can't actually believe the difference it made to be able to spend an extra 1.5hours with Lyla in the morning and my day seemed a lot quicker too. I had already decided to give it a try until Christmas so I will stick to that and see how I feel by then but I already feel a bit happier about it. You're right too about the benefits of Lyla spending quality time with her grandparents - I never had that as all of mine died when I was really young so it's a bit of a new concept for me but it was lovely to see Lyla's reaction as soon as she saw my Mum this morning.

I think I mentioned to you before that I'm a speech and language therapist? I'm employed by an independent special school rather than the nhs so it's quite a unique job. I will keep my eye on the nhs website to see if any SLT jobs come up nearer to home but the thought of changing jobs is almost as daunting as the travelling!

Love

Faning x

Sorry hun,

Of course you'ld mentioned that you are a speech and language therapist. Sorry, I'd forgotten when I replied.

I don't suppose there's the opportunity to do that freelance is there ? I don't know whether people go to private speech and language therapists whilst waiting for or instead of an NHS referral. Also, don't know whether you'ld be allowed to do it privately or whether the insurance payments would be feasible !