OK, not sure where to start with this really......

I’ve been married for 4 years (known my husband for 6 years) and we have a 2 year old daughter and another little girl (surprise baby!) due in November.

I haven’t had a good time of things with this pregnancy – in fact I have been admitted to hospital 3 times so far with one thing or another! Anyway, back in April I was in a really bad way health-wise and about 3 months pregnant. My husband couldn’t do an awful lot about things as he was working 6 days a week from 7am-6pm to keep our heads above water financially. I gave up work last year to become a stay-at-home-mum........which my husband was happy about and ready to take the full responsibility of paying all the bills etc....even though we knew it was going to be tough we both decided to make a go of it so our daughter could have at least mummy around all the time! When I went back to work initially my mum was helping us out with the childcare but she lives 50 miles away so it meant that we had to live half the week with her and the rest of the week with hubby.....crazy I know but I was trying to keep hold of my job - at the time believing it to be a good thing! My Mother-in-Law couldn’t help us with childcare because she works herself – fair enough.

Anyway, the arrangement with my mum came to a close after about 5 months when I just couldn’t do it emotionally or physically any more....I missed my daughter so much when I was at work and my husband missed us when we weren’t at home. Also, my mum started to get a bit too ‘overpowering’ shall we say with regards to our daughter and it was leaving us feeling like we were stupid kids without a clue what to do with our own baby! My mum was also buying a lot of ‘things’ (clothes, baby gadgets, toys etc.) for the baby (which I told her weren’t necessary) and it started to make us feel really inadequate as parents because – in all honesty – she didn’t leave us with much left to choose and provide for our child. Now, I know that this sounds sooooo ungrateful but.........I/we did keep on telling her not to worry about buying things and that we could do it ourselves....just not always right away like she could!

Ok, back to this April when I was very poorly. My mum offered to have my daughter and I to stay with her for a while until I got better and I took her up on her offer gladly. My husband and I were also going through a rough patch in our relationship unfortunately so I felt like I needed a bit of a break. My mum lives in a council house and doesn’t work as she is the carer for one of my siblings who is mentally disabled (years ago I used to be her carer). I had been staying with mum for about a week when someone tipped the council off that I was ‘living’ there and they stopped my mum’s housing benefit! I wasn’t able to go back home because I still needed day-to-day help with my daughter (I was suffering with Hyperemesis Gravidarum – extreme morning sickness basically!) but I couldn’t continue to stay in my mum’s house. Also, as I said before, hubby and I weren’t getting on as well as we had done in the past.

Basically, we decided to separate to at least get a bit of ‘breathing space’ from each other for a while and I managed to find a small flat near my mum’s to rent (which my husband acted as guarantor for) for 6 months from a Housing Association. The tenancy runs out in 9 weeks time – just about my due date! – And hubby and I have been discussing recently about getting back together and starting afresh, which I am very happy about :)

Unfortunately, my mum is NOT happy about this and I have had her screaming down the phone at me for ‘going against her’ by choosing to get back with my husband when the new baby comes. As she sees it, because he couldn’t look after me properly when I was ill (he was working really hard remember) he is now ‘no good and will never be any good’ to me or our daughters. She banned my husband from her house, practically turned all of my brothers and sisters against him and told me that I was not to have him round to my flat either – which is ridiculous seeing as he is entitled to see our daughter isn’t he? He wasn’t violent towards us or did anything dodgy......gambling, drinking and womanising spring to mind! But no, he never did any of those things to me. Interestingly though, my dad and my mum’s other 2 partners DID do those things to her.....perhaps this is why my hubby is getting a raw deal now?

Also, names for the new baby that my husband and I liked my mum didn’t so we are not ‘allowed’ to use them!! Crazily enough, I have recently been accused of controlling her and making her ill through the worry of everything!!!

Anyway, I don’t deny that at times I have had a moan about my husband to my mum – who hasn’t?? But surely, her viewpoint towards my husband is a bit extreme isn’t it? She also told me that if I didn’t divorce him and stay down the road from her then she wants all of the money back that she has apparently spent out on us, our daughter and the new baby over the past 2-3 years. According to her this comes to about £4000!! She said that she is prepared to sue us to get it as she wants to move to the coast and apparently I stopped her from doing it this summer!! I have also been blamed for my 2 brothers A-level results (despite the older one getting into the university he wanted and the younger one passing his first year of A-levels with A-B-C grades!) - Apparently they would have done miles better had I not moved into town!!

I would like to point out that my husband and I are not rolling in it by any means. The flat we got a mortgage on 4 years ago is now in negative equity and we are stuck in it and with it (with our children) until the market improves (heaven knows when!). The plan was to try and sell it – even with a debt owing when we leave – and rent something a little bigger for the children. So, we’re just ordinary people right? Well, this situation is not ‘good enough’ for my mum and basically my husband is a rotter etc. She also never liked where we moved to although at the time it was good for us as a couple.....and besides we couldn’t afford to buy anything near her anyway although she won’t accept this and maintains that it was because my husband refused to live near her and the family because he didn’t like her/them – not true back then!

As I said, I have 9 weeks to go before I can move back in with my husband........and I’m dreading trying to get through the rest of my time there. I’ll be moving when I’m heavily pregnant (if not already given birth!!) and I’ll either have my mum in my face the whole time until then - as she’s only 5 minutes away – or I’ll have been ‘sent to Coventry’. The other thing is that she’s got some of my baby equipment in her house (we had put some things up in her loft when we didn’t have the room for it in the flat anymore) and she has threatened to sell it all off to ‘recoup my money’ as she said the other day.

I realise that there isn’t really an answer to all of this and a lot of it is my own stupid fault for being so weak-willed but I just had to get things off my chest to someone impartial really. Thanks for reading this far and I would love to get anyone’s opinions or thoughts on this one!!!

xxx

Hey there I don't normally look on this board but saw your post.
Look, your mum sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. Personally I would move back in with your husband, call your new baby whatever you want to, ignore the threats about sueing you guys as that is really on sketchy grounds and let her sell what baby stuff she has if she likes.
Just don't rise to the occasion and stay calm for you and your babies it will all work out in the end I am sure, your mum sounds like she just can't help herself interferring and when she has nothing to interfere with she will make it up to you so she can again.

You have your own family now and that has to come first.

Hope you find a solution and have a great birth of your new arrival and are reunited as a family unit soon. Worry about the other stuff when/if it happens. Your mum can't sue you for gifts she bought that is just idle treats to control you.

Denise

Hey hun

*huge hugs* bless you

I would just cut your losses and run so to speak, move back with hubby as thats the best thing for your family! Tell your mum you really want her support, and although you had problems with your hubby you have worked through them and he is a good man. If she is still threatening to sue/sell stuff, just say go ahead then,

She will get no where and although you may be out of pocket buying things now, you can get second hand and go on freecycle to ask for things you need desperately

I think she will come round when she realises she will be losing her family as you wont be going round if shes like that!

hope everything sorts itself out for you

Sarah

xxxx

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hi, im coming from mc july 09

all i can say is, and di dont want to affend you, what a cow!!!

it sounds like she is spitting her dummy out as she is no longer the center of all your needs.

she cant sue you for her buying baby items and such out of her of will. that just rediculous.

some mother, you dont ask for things like that back when things dont go your way, and she shouldnt be doing this while your pregnant, if you have been that ill throughout then she should respect the act that you are not able to deal with this as you have your unborn child and your dd to concider.

i know she your mum and she is the most special person apart from your family but she really needs a reality check on how to behave like a reponsible adult rather than a spoilt child.

if she wont listen to reason and support on your terms than leave her well out of it.

i hope everything works out for you and your hubby.

xxxxxxxx

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Hiya,

Your mum sounds like a right menace! She is obviously just unhappy that you are a grown up and can live your own life. Of course you should get back with your husband, she has no right at all to demand he doesnt come to your flat! She can try to sue you for the things she bought but she will get nowhere and will just make herself look like a fool. If she threatens that I would counter her by saying you will sue her for any of your stuff she doesnt return (which chances are you would be entitled to do!) Its up to you what you name your baby. I would write to your mum and explain that you have to do what you know is right for you and your family, not what she thinks is right for you and if she isnt happy with it that really isnt your fault and you wont be made to feel guilty for it. She is just using emotional blackmail to try to keep you away from your husband and nearer to her. Its not fair on you at all.