Hi i am really strugling with my feelings at the moment and they seem to be getting worse day by day.

I had an unplanned pregnancy over 5yrs ago and due to my emotional unstability at the time, and my age, i never wanted the baby from day one and booked a termination. I didnt go through with it and i now totally regret my decision. I did however want to get it adopted but due to my mother who said if i did go through with an adoption she would kick me out of home, i did neither.

My child is nearly 6 years old and from the day i had her i dont feel anything for her apart from resentment.

My home situation didnt help and my mother raised her from 2 weeks old. Me and my mum have never got on and when we have had fights they have been physical but she did let me stay at home throughout all my pregnancies.

I have 4 children in total and the way i feel about the three others is really different but it is still hard as i do not have a say in how my 2nd eldest is raised as again the 2nd child has a stronger bond with my mother than me. It is hard because my 2nd and 3rd do not want me to put them to bed or do anything for them, even the most basic of things such as getting them dressed turn into a nightmare. So because i do not want to cause an arguement, i let my mother do it. If i didn't as i have done on previous occasions, she will launch into a row with me about how to do things her way.

The only child i really can call my own is my youngest whom i love with all my heart. She is cute and clingy to me which is great but i really do wish i had gone through with that termination 6yrs ago. it plays on my mind everyday, my eldest will cause rows between my mother and i, i feel almost like she is my little sister.

I know the way i feel towards her is horrible but i really dont know what to do. I no longer live at home now and have moved out with my 2 youngest, im currently back with my mum but only for a short period of time, so i suppose this is why its all come back again. 

Sorry for the rant and im sorry if i sound really horrid but i really needed to get it all out, i feel like im gonna explode!

xblissx

Hi there

Welcome and ((((hugs))) I truly do not know what to say that will help you at all hon. It must be so very hard to be feeling this way about your children. I honestly think that at times we can love our children without knowing it. We feel so detatched from them but if something threatened them then we suddenly find the instinct with them. I know how hard it can be "sharing" your children. I live with my mother in law and I am having a terrible time with my 4 year old who is insistant that Grandma puts him to bed, dresses him etc BUT onthe rare occasion that I couldn't take himto school cos I was at work - he threw the biggest paddy and typically wanted me. children are very good at picking the rigt buttons and knowing how to get at us when we feel so crap.

Have you spoken to yuor doctor about how you're feeling? I do wonder if maybe some form of cognative behavioural therapy could help. I was dismissive of it but actually it really helpesd me to come to terms with my relationship with my children and has helped.

I dont know if this has been any help and I will ask around to see if there is anyone out there who can give you some better advice.

I'm thinking of you though x x x x

Proud Mummy to Jenson, aged 4, and Amelia-Grace, 18mths and six precious ^i^ babies

 

 

 

                    

CL on Unplanned Pregnancy , Late Loss and Neonatal Death Support, Coping with Miscarriage  , Coping with Antenatal Depression , The Wedding Planner, and Cosmetic Surgery 

Supporting Weight Watchers and Post Natal Depression

Find me on Facebook

                                            

                                      

                                      

Hun, you really need to see a counsellor and get some professional help. I think your situation is so confused because of your mums involvement. You haven't been able to bond with your children because of this. How different would it have been if you'd raised your eldest instead of your mother? You could have built a bond between you. I know I didn't feel much for my daughter when she was born, and she was very much wanted. I was in shock and it took me a few weeks to adjust but those weeks together meant we bonded and I feel you have missed out a very important part of her and your life there.

I feel your resentment is there because your eldest sides with your mum. Your mum is the key issue here in that she seems to dominate you and you accept that although are clearly unhappy with that. I feel a professional would be able to work with you so your mum doesn't dominate your life so much and you can tell your mum that you are capable of looking after your own children (if that is what you want). Your mum should be supporting you in raising your kids, not rowing with you and taking it over when it isn't done her way.

Don't suffer any more, please see your GP and ask for a referral.

x