Not expecting any replies, just trying to work things out really!

I know I'm definitely feeling:

Terrified - when I get flashbacks; especially to the stages where everything kicked off and before DH got to hospital, and when they lost DS's heartbeat on the monitor.
Complete loss of control - again, especially in that bit when everything kicked off but before DH was there with me

Alone - same as with loss of control. Ironic as I was constantly surrounded by a minimum of 2 midwives if not more throughout (and 10 medical professionals in theatre), except for that very first stage

Cheated - after an awful pregnancy I didn't even get to enjoy any bits of labour and that includes even when DS was handed to DH and DH showed me, just because I was so exhausted and shell-shocked from it all

Paranoid - that I'll get pregnant again, that I'll still somehow lose DS, that if I did get pregnant again in the future I'd at the very least have yet another awful pregnancy and that the hospital won't stick to their word and I'll have a horrible birth experience again

Hatred - of myself; what pregnancy and birth have done to my body and how I can't help but think about everything even though I want it to leave my mind and not come back (I'm usually one to just pick myself up, dust myself off and get on with it). If DS had been delivered sooner, when he should have been, I wouldn't have so many stretch marks, so much loose skin, I'd have had two weeks or more less of the vomiting, I might even have not had a c-section scar, and I could have avoided all this mental anguish I'm now experiencing. Perhaps I also should have persisted more, made them listen to me...

Might add some more to this once it becomes clearer to me, and once I can reflect and think more objectively again as it seems to be so harrowing just thinking about it and getting it down in words...

Hi

If you look at the Birth Trauma Association website you'll see a lot of what you're describing on the list of post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms.

Just so you know it is not at all unreasonable to be traumatised by the experience. That out of control aloneness and loss of all positive moments in the birth - they need some time to grieve over and heal.

We all know birth is tough but we all hope we will be able to look back with some joy too. I also recall the numbness, shock and total detachment that I had when I first saw DD. Emergency forceps in theatre as her heartbeat was crashing and she was stuck sideways. I never saw her born, the medics rushed her straight to the corner to check her over, then DH got given her to hold once she was totally wrapped up in a blanket with a hat on.

I couldn't hold her because of the spinal and it took an hour and a half to get the placenta out and repair the internal and external tears. By the time I got to hold her in recovery it felt an age.

You are doing fantastically well to process all these emotions so soon afterwards. It took me ages.

Thinking of you

Sam x

Thank you for your kind words, Sam, and so sorry to hear about your own traumatic experience :(

Funnily enough you're not the first person to mention postnatal PTSD...

I think there's parts of me that feel pleased I've had some answers, except I also feel worse, too... For example, although I knew DS didn't cry when he was born and that he was whisked away to be checked by paediatricians and the neonatal team before being handed to DH (like your DD, once he was all bundled up in blanket, hat etc), I didn't know that he had a low apgar score and that he was also shocked by it all - and that's almost made me feel worse than not knowing because until now there was a part of me that could have believed, if I chose to, that he wasn't affected by it at all... I'm not sure if that makes much sense?! I mean I knew he was affected by it, because the first 12 hours of his life he had to be checked hourly by the neonatal team and he had problems stabilising his temperature, but until it was spelled out to me I could brush that bit under the carpet and pretend otherwise! Maybe it's also because with each day that passes it hurts even more knowing that something worse could have happened to him...

Finding this all so difficult, as I said I'm used to picking myself up, dusting myself off and moving on, but with this I just can't seem to. Not yet anyway.

Hello Gadgebot,

Have read through yr posts & just wanted to say hi & to send u a great big hug. I think it's awful in a day and age when things should be so better that there are so many women out there who are experiencing such negative birth experiences. I had my DS back in Jan 08 & had an awful time of it. My care seems different to u in that i was unattended in labour & dismissed because i was a first time mum. My birth story is in the folder below so read if yr interested (warning- it's long).

I complained to my hospital when my son was 7 wks old. It was then that i was really able to come to terms with what happened & put down on paper my feelings about the whole experience. I got a reply which referred to my labour notes & commented on my criticisms. I didnt expect miracles, just wanted to be 'heard' & also wanted it recorded incase i were to ever fall pg again. I can honestly say that up until Billy was 1, the thought of more children was a definite no no but i suddenly changed my mind as didnt want him to be an only child. I fell pg quickly & am due to give birth again in Jan 2010.

I had a miscarriage before having Billy anyway so have never found pregnancy easy at the best of times but my negative eperience of birth has definitely left its mark. I broke down to my midwife at my 10wk booking in appointment & was referred to a consultant midwife who is overseeing my care & i am also consultant led this time because i had eclampsia wiv Bill. I have severe concerns with my hospital & labour care & have made the decision to have an elective c section this time around. I have had to see a counsellor as part of this process & she agrees it is in my best interests. Going through my previous labour notes with my midwife was also really helpful to me. Sounds a cliche but it actually gave me a sense of closure. Seeing my delivery notes were for the most part written in retrospect because i was unattended & seeing the times i was left for made me realise just how lucky i was to get through the birth & added weight to my own recollections which i guess i had doubted from time to time.

If u get the opportunity to look through yr own notes then do so- it really helped me. My best advice is to trust yr own judgement & stick to yr guns. If in the future u decide to ttc & have another baby, dont be afraid to have demands in terms of yr care. The attitude of the hospital this time round to me is shockingly different because i am more on the ball & on their case!!!

U take care of yrself & give yrself time to recover from this. Keep us posted with how u are getting on. xxxx

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Hi Emma

Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry to hear about your experiences and your loss, too xx

I'm thinking of asking for my notes, although I did get to talk through them (well, kind of... the more I think about it the more I realise I don't think we did really talk through them!) when I saw the consultant... I was surprised to see just how little had been written, though, which makes me want to have them for myself to read through them all and see just what had been written. I got the impression that the consultant was trying to fill in gaps with her own guesswork where the information just wasn't written in front of her, IYKWIM? My postnatal notes were so much more comprehensive...

I hope that you are able to enjoy this pg and I sincerely hope that your birth experience this time around is far, far better x