Hello all...

just trying to find the right board to post my story and desperate to find someone who possibly went through something similar.

it's not really a birth trauma story as when i look back, i remember my labour really fondly.  yes, hurt like hell - but i was so proud of myself for getting to I'm and pushing just with gas and air and my tens machine.  the amazing midwives had been with me for 20 hours and were convinced in the next couple of hours my beautiful baby girl would be delivered.

quite suddenly - the room was full of doctors and one male doctor who had been in the room for literally 5 minutes mentioned the word c-section, I'm still not really sure why.

anyway - i had a c-section and my beautiful daughter was in my arms.

whilst delivering her, the doctors mentioned an infection and we were both put on antibiotics.  i was quite upset that I'd had to have a c-section as i had been set on a natural birth, and mad as it might sound, i really wanted to experience it.

a week in hospital and we were home.  I was just starting to get into a routine, when 4 weeks after the birth i had a massive post partum haemorrhage.  It started at 5am - i ran to the toilet but as soon as i got there i knew i needed an ambulance.  My husband took one look in the bathroom and dailed 999.  Once the ambulance turned up i was faint and starting to pass out - the blood loss i can only describe as a bucket being upturned and i will never forget that feeling of my insides falling out.  In A&E they said that my uterus had not contracted and was full of clots - they gave me drugs to induce me - just like labour - and all of a sudden i have final stage contractions.  when i finally passed all the clots i was convinced that was it, i was dying - my husband said i was white with blue lips and went into hypoglycaemic shock.  They took me to theatre and gave me an evacuation - the bleeding eventually stopped.  I lost litres of blood - you only have four - so i lost a lost of the transfusion too.  I ended up in critical care for two days and in hospital for a week - having to leave my amazing 4 week old baby with her dad as she wasn't allowed in.  i managed to keep breast feeding by expressing.

i spent the next few weeks petrified of it happening again - doctors told me it was highly unlikely.

7 weeks after the birth i haemorrhaged again.  Same awful blood loss, although this time i was panic stricken.  i had nearly died 3 weeks prior and i couldn't go through it again.  the same awful traumatic experience did happen again and i was rushed to theatre just as a main artery went.  I had an emergency hysterectomy to stop me bleeding to death.

I'm 34, it was my first baby and i was looking forward to having a family - at least 3 i thought.

i thank god for my beautiful baby girl and my husband was amazing.  but I'm sad that i can never be pregnant again.  so so sad.  I'm grateful people give blood, i received enough to keep 4 people alive.  I still have my ovaries and will still ovulate, so a biological child isn't out of the question, i just can't carry it - but i can't even think about that now.  I can't be too angry as if i hadn't had a hysterectomy i wouldn't be here - but I'm sad.

I've read about a few people who have had haemorrhages, but it's usually a couple of litres loss straight after the birth, or at the most - a few weeks later and they took themselves off to the doctors ...it's hard to find anyone who has ended up with a hysterectomy. 

The sight of blood still scares me and I've never been bothered by it before.  i will never forget that feeling of uncontrollable bleeding but i have to rebuild things mentally and physically.

I'm sorry if this isn't the right board to post my story - but i just wanted to get it down in writing as it helps.

sorry it's so long.  pregnancy, birth and having a baby is the most amazing thing a woman can experience - i know it can be scary, and leave you traumatised, but it's still the most amazing thing in the world and I'm truly sad i will never experience that first kick, those hiccups, morning sickness or that first exciting contraction ever again.

felicityboo,
You've just made me well up reading your story. I am so sorry this has happened to you. Thank heavens for your beautiful little girl, and thank heavens they got to you before the main artery went but I feel so gutted just reading it. I'm going to be logging back in later today and I will be able to post a proper reply to you then, but I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you very much

(((HUGS)))

x
Lou

Hello hun

What an awful awful experience for you!

I can understand exactly where you are coming from, although the outcome wasn't the same. I had a missed miscarriage at 11+ wks, I had had spotting at wk 7 but thought nothing of it as it can be natural around period time, which it was, but started to bleed just a little more, so took myself up to hosp where (eventually) scanned, and diagnosed. I was told that the embryo had not progressed past 4-5 weeks, yet I had been carrying for 7 wks and thinking everything was fine and dandy, had even started to tell people.

Anyway, I was given blood tests and sent home with no info what so ever. A few days later I could feel more blood coming down, so go to the loo to change pad, it was drenched. Changed it, stood up and could feel myself draining. I called DH who said right, straight to hosp.. I just wanted to lie down and sleep it off!

Got to hosp and was put into a side cubicle until someone could come and 'observe that woman who is JUST having a miscarriage' (yes those are the words I overheard). I could honestly by this time feel blood 'bubbling' through clothes as my body was pushing it out so quickly, however I had dark trousers on so they didn't listen. I was taken up to early preg unit about 45 min, and whilst being transferred from the trolley to the bed they realised what a state I was in. All hell broke loose. The room I was in couldn't hold everyone needed, thankfully DH was allowed to stay but he had to hold the saline bags and push them through me, I was on 4 bags at a time to try and keep up with the fluid loss I was experiencing. I was passing blood clots bigger than the liver shaped trays they were trying to clear up with, plus huge amounts of liquid blood and my body just kept on pushing these horrid things out, i had no control and it was so painful. I can remember a female dr giving me an internal and she just pushed her hand up no warning, truly terrible. Like you, my body went into shock, had allergic reaction to something which brought me out in hives on top of it... horrid. Had emergency surgery (ERPC what a joke, my body had gotten shot of that LONG ago). Hubby told to give me a big hug as might not come out of it... thankfully I didn't hear that bit but christ imagine being told that! He was trying so hard to keep things together...

So I went home two days after, not pregnant, thinking I couldn't conceive again (it had taken two years), severe anaemia and signed off work for a month. although I didn't acknowledge it I think I had part breakdown on reflection... life was not worth it. The drs didn't give much hope, they did say it could happen again and the process was so scary I didn't want to go through it again.

Thankfully I did fall preg again, and I have my very precious son (named Samuel... look at the meaning lol) and he is beautiful and perfect, much wanted. He himself is a lifesaver to me, my Mum died two weeks before giving birth and it was the thought of him and his care that kept me going.

Sorry I have waffled and waffled! I can't experience what utter disappointment you are feeling with the hysterectomy. Hold your little girl as close as you can, somehow the love you have for your child can see you through anything in my experience. Although you won't experience pregnancy again, when you do feel like that hug your daughter tightly and remember your precious times with her.

Hun, take real good care of yourself and your lovely family, hold them tight to your heart. It sounds like they very nearly lost you, it does put life into perspective and you will never think the same again about each day and how wonderful it is to be alive.

Best wishes
Janie xxx

OMG!(((((HUGE HUGE HUGS ))))) DARLING!!!

your story has brought tears to my eyes,im so very sorry chick!

i had a PPH too but not to the extent of yours! like you i had the big gushes, the fist up there, the manual compressions ,the drip to induce pianful contractions again and going into shock while hubby looks on! but they stopped mine! i had to go back in 2 weeks after due to a 2nd big bleed but again i was sorted, im so very sorry yours ended the way it did- my heart breaks for you!
its so damn annoying that when you are clearly managing on just tens and G+A you dont know at that time how things take a turn for the worse! and you poor poor darling having to be in hosp critically ill whilst baby is not there with you!

its like reliving my own birth but i only got to think ' imagine if....' i cant believe its actually happened to someone! its so very very rare too!

all i can say is you are a very very brave lady and deserve a medal for yr courage!! you must look at your darling daughter and enjoy every day with her!hold her tight, kiss her softly and remember that you went thru all that to have her in yr arms!  i cant even begin to imagine what u are going thru not being able to carry another baby of yr own, there are options though to think about in the future. i hope time heals for you !

thinking of you sweetie!

this is one of the saddest stories ive read on here .. my heart goes out to you!

huggles

nic xx

Hi felicityboo

So sorry to read your tale. Really awful experiences and a dreadful lifechanging outcome. Wonderful that your DD made it through unharmed.

You are doing incredibly well to be so positive and grateful too - when did all this happen? I think it is ok to still be angry though too - I think you might be grieving your lost dreams of more children/pregnancies and shock, denial, anger, depression (and finally acceptance) are all part of grief. Grief affects us all differently and there is no time limit or order that people tend to feel those huge emotions.

Have you had any counselling for the trauma? The Birth Trauma Association has links. I imagine your feelings about life and death may well have shifted, and post traumatic stress is no light thing if you are still affected with flashbacks or depression.

Please do seek out all the support you need. You sound amazing at keeping perspective, but I doubt anyone moves on from such a near death experience without strong emotions to process.

Also - you say you are unsure why you were given the c-section. Maybe organise to go through your birth notes with your consultant or lead midwife? They do it for lots of people and it might give you some answers so you can move on more easily.

HTH

Sam x