Hi Girls,

Its been very quiet around here this week, Im just wondering how you are all holding up.

I hope the quietness is a sign that people are feeling happier.

x

Lou

Hi Lou

I think I'm doing okay thank you.

Although I couldn't watch East Enders earlier. I know it's so silly because it's a soap and so inevitably there was going to be a soap-style birth that was way off reality, but just the little bit of it I saw I found myself feeling so angry and upset that what I experienced wasn't just miles away but a million miles away from it. Probably very stupid... Oh well!!!

Hi

Thanks for the thoughts. I'm feeling odd at the moment. I'm now 6 weeks pregnant and very tired. I'm still waiting on the scan for it to feel all real - but am also a little scared already about the birth and damage. I think I can focus on my fears for bean until the end of the first trimester scan shows he or she is ok. Then I will start panicking more about the effect it will all have on me.

I know things will be different this time because I am different now. I know I will fight to be listened to more. I know I will fight for more pain relief.

But I am scared of the decisions to be made - elective c-section or try for vaginal. Pros and cons of both and I don't want to regret my choice. I'm probably the only person hoping for a breech to make the choice for me.

It also makes me think a lot about DD's birth and labour and recovery. I think this will hit me harder as I start to look pregnant too - bring back memories.

I'd still rather deal with it all again asap than carry all this for a couple of years and then try again for #2. I am 35 next month and if I had not got pregnant again I would have worried that my fears prevented any other children. My mum had an early menopause so I didn't want to leave ttc too long and then regret it always.

Sam

Oooh - gadgebot - TV births - I am with you! Saw one on an old Doc Martin the other week and was also angry, upset and tearful at how unreal it was. Waters broke, had baby within 5 minutes on a hillside, all joyfully cuddling within 10 mins.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

I don't have a single positive moment from my labour, birth, 6 days in hospital or months of recovery from damage. No joyful first meeting with DD, no sense of wonder chasing away my pain, no hormonal euphoria, no promised amnesia of labour, nothing. Numbness, shock, detachment, agony, depression, sadness, exhaustion, loneliness - these I do recall.

I'm also turning over asap when there's a birth on too - much too much unreality.

Sam x

Yeah... Admittedly I have now had that rush, but I didn't get it until about a week ago (when Ewan was 8 weeks old). Was really beginning to think there was something seriously wrong with me! There's still lots of other positive feelings I think I should have experienced by now, or I should have experienced more than momentarily, which again you just don't get on TV births. Going to forget about these TV births for the minute, can feel myself welling up again!!!

I do also keep panicking as I had HG all through my pregnancy, and I'm still getting waves of nausea and I'm occasionally sick still, and every time I panic in case I'm pregnant again. For one thing, I took Cerazette from 4 weeks post-birth to 7 weeks, and from 6 weeks (so there was an overlap!) I've been on Depo, and secondly I'd like to see anyone get pregnant from the couple of half-attempts at very uncomfortable sex which happened after the Depo had a good chance to work!!!

Sending you lots of hugs, Sam!