Hi,

Not been on this board before, but feeling a little confusaed today so found it and now wanted to ask for a little advice on my situation. Apologies for the long message...

Dh and I have a four year old girl - an unplanned pregnancy that we were both pretty excited about. Not the best timing, I was self-employed having started a business a few months previously and DH was still studying, finishing a phd.

At that point we both agreed we'd like two children and that it made sense to have them close together. When DD was 6 months old, we had that conversation and both decided it was not the right time.

Since then, I've been working and DH has been a stay at home dad. The business has done really well, there are now two members of staff as well as me, and I'm recruiting again. I've had a constant battle with fitting in the business and having enough time with DD. A year ago my hours were getting crazy so I took someone on and went down to working 4 days a week. I'm about to move the office to a town much closer to home so I can be around more when DD starts school next year.

Meanwhile, DH is not a very happy bunny. He's done a great job with DD, but has found it tough - there are not the same support networks for dads as mums, and playgroups, etc, are not really his thing. I've said to him that I fully support whatever he wants to do - I've encouraged him to look at training - try something he's always wanted, support him in a job, whatever he wants. He is just not really interested in anything, but also seems down at home and just a bit depressed really.

When I say I want to work less and be more of a parent, he gets a bit cross and says I'm treading on his toes and I'm not leaving him with anything. But I feel like I never made a choice not to be a mum. This is made worse by him flatly refusing to consider to have another child. I don't know what to do. I've been distracted by the business for the last coupel fo years and wanted another baby but could not see how I could fit it all in, but since I've taken on staff and decided to move the business closer to home, I'm really thinking about it again and just don't know what to do.

Just feeling confused and am concerned that I have resentment starting to build up and that's a pretty damaging thing.

Any advice?

Sx

Hi Stcom

What was ur dh studying before he became a stay and home dad? Maybe he could take that up!

I know what u mean about not a lot of support for dads, groups etc. I do think there needs to be more for dads, as my dh struggled and still does now, fortunatly we have a great health vistor and she helped him loads.

I am in the same boat as to wanting another baby. Dh and i have always talked about kids as i am very maternal and have always wanted a big family but he didnt, so we agreed on 2 children. All our or shall i say mostly my talks that we have had about the future has been with 2 kids, holidays, christmas, visiting family and i have been asking about trying for another after xmas and the other day he said that he didnt want anymore kids and that he hates being a parent!!

I did the childish thing and blanked him all night and he went to work but i was so upset i just couldnt talk to him, but i got more upset when he left cos i hadnt talked to him lol cant win really.

I did talk to him in the morning and told him how i felt and that i didnt want to pressure him but there wasnt gonna be a middle ground to having another child cos we either have one or we dont. Which would mean he would hate me for having another or i would hate him for not having another. Which if that was the case then our marriage would hit a dead end!! Loads of other things were said and its at a stand still but he has said he will think about it but i need to give him space. So we are gonna talk about it again after xmas and see what happens.

Anyway what im trying to say is sit down with ur dh and talk to him even if it takes an hour to get it out of him, sit there in silence or do what i do ask questions til u get to the point of what u want to know. Sitting and thinking about what he may or may not say will eat u up, it could be something that is easily resolved for u both to get to where u want to be. A good little thing to do if ur dh isnt an open talker, go for a walk somewhere quietish and walk and talk, he and u will feel less trapped and wont feel like running away from the convo!!

I hope u sort something out soon and i hope this has helped a little bit.

 

 

 

 

Hi there and welcome to the board.

It sounds like you both need to have a long chat about what you both want etc. You need to find out from him why he has now decided he doesn't want anymore kids. Do you think that maybe he may resent your sucess and he feels as though he has missed out a bit by staying at home with your DD?
It does sound like he is suffering a bit from depression. You say he doesn't have any support with regards parent clubs etc, but does he have any friends he keeps in touch with? Does he have time with his friends away from DD? I think that can have an affect if he hasn't much adult company.

I guess all I can advise you to do is sit down and have a chat. Maybe cook a nice meal and relax, so that he doesn't feel as though you are cornering him into talking. You both need some time together also remember!!

Hope that helps. Let us know how you get on.

Hi,

Thanks for both of the replies. The thing is, this isn't really sudden. We both thought that we wouldn't have another when DD1 was 6 months. Since then we've had a few discussions where I've said I don't want that to be my only child, but DH has said he couldn't cope with another. It's not that he doesn't love DD1, I think he is just so tired - he was a bad sleeper before the baby, and an even worse one since. I think he also feels that he hasn't got it in him to be primary carer a second time. He has found it frustrating in various ways as well as lovely and has managed fine, but says he doesn't think he could do it again. That leaves me with some big decisions as I've built a successful business that has been our only household income for 6 years. Do I walk away from that in order to have a baby and do all the caring? It seems a bit crazy, especially when he's not working. I would plan to go to part time hours and be involved lots, but fundamentally it would probably mean him holding the fort at home, certainly beyond the first six months or so.

I think I'm finding it difficult as he is showing no signs of getting work, or even knowing what he wants to do. He knows he doesn't want to do what his phd was in and has probably been out of it too long to get back in, but doesn't know what else to do and is over qualified for almost everything.

I'm a bit more confused today as I dropped it into the conversation yesterday. I said I was feeling excitied about the office move and new staff, but it was making me think again about babies as for the first time it seemed feasible to have a pregnancy and baby whilst also keeping ther business going. He didn't say it was silly, but he did say I was getting ahead of myself and I needed to get this all up and running before thinking of anything else. I don't know whether to take that as a polite 'no' or as a possible 'yes'! It's the most promising comment I've had on the topic so far!

Sx

Hiya

I graduated from this board this time last year, still come back to lurk!

Is there any way you can split the business and childcare 50/50 between the two of you - i.e. he becomes involved in the business more, and you do more childcare, rather than you doing all the business and him doing all the childcare? Is the business something only you can run or could you share it with him?

I now have a 3 month old baby boy and, although I waited broodily for almost a decade for my husband to be ready to try for our first child (thus he is very much a wanted baby!!) and it's all I've ever wanted, the thought of having a second child scares the life out of me at the moment!! I can see where your husband is coming from in that respect. That's why I am suggesting making it more of a family business rather than 'yours'... it would make the prospect less scary for him if he knew he'd be working some of the time instead of 100% childcare.... and you'd get more time with the baby too...

Just a thought....?

K x