Hi,

I was hoping someone might be able to offer some advice on the following...

about 13 months ago husband split up with me, we have a ds together who just turned 4 in sept. For the first year his dad came to our house and spent the weekends seeing his son, staying normally the fri and sat night as he lived in hospital accommodation which isn't suitable for ds to go to.

in august he moved into a house with a friend and we got ds used to that house by us spending the weekend there together. its an hour away from where I live with ds. we agreed we would let ds set the pace for wanted to sleep there, and amazingly he wanted to straight away and has stayed 3 weekends everyother weekend. he was clingy when he returned but i was happy the good was out weighing the unsettled feelings he was having until he was used to it all.

but a fortnight ago ds went even though he was poorly, i asked his dad if he had medicine which he was sure he did anyway at 1 am they had a trip to tesco as ds temp so high.

since returnign from that weekend my ds hasn't wanted to go back.

this weekend he was supposed to go but had been poorly again, so we arranged for his dad to pick him up sat not fri night but he wouldn't get in the car. he got very distressed and i ended up going along too for the day.

but ds didn't want to be there, i just thought it was important for them to spend some time together.

how forceful should I be at 4 years old to make him go if he doesn't want too?

am i supposed to turn away from his crying in the car and make him go?

i have never held any of the plentiful personal issues i have with his dad interefer in anyway with their relationship, now i'm being made out to have turned my son against his dad.

is it fair my ds doesn't like me just so that he spends a miserable time with his dad?

anyway any help or advice would help me alot, thank you

vicki

Hi Vicki

Sorry your son isn't too happy.  Could it be he was missing you when feeling ill?

In theory, as there's no order, you don't have to make your son go.

I'm sure you're doing all you can with encouraging and being positive about things with him.

Is it possible for you to take him to his father's house, and his father bring him home?  It's what I used to do with my lot.  I have to say I would make my daughter stay against her will, and would literally be prising her off me to go o her dad - and she was 10 at the time.  She always came home happy though.

If they were ill, they would want to be with me, and ex would phone me to collect them...

Somehow, your ex needs to work with you on this one and stop finger pointing (sorry!).

Best wishes

Jane

Hi Vicky,

It sounds like a really tough thing to have to deal with, and one I'm dreading having to face myself soon.

My daughter is the same age (she was 4 in Aug) and her dad is about to move into his own flat, and the plan is that she will stay overnight every other weekend.  She was fine with this idea but out of the blue the other day started saying to me that she didn't want to sleep at his and she would miss me (what she usually says when she doesn't want to be left).  I told her it would be ok and the next time I spoke to XH I asked him not to mention it for a while as it had upset her.  He got a bit arsey and said he'd already mentioned it and she was happy so I left him to it.  However while he was here she hurt herself and he tried to comfort her but she was just crying "I want my mummy" until I came downstairs to see to her.  I am definitely worried how she'll be but hopefully I'll be out of sight out of mind (to some extent).

As Jane said there's no contact order in place so you don't have to send her to him, but he could easily apply for an order if he didn't like it.  It sounds as though you are fairly amicable with your ex though, have you tried speaking to him about your concerns?

 

   

Hi Jane,

Thanks for the reply.

I think being ill did contribute to things, but I'm not sure as I had to ask for him to be brought back that weekend as I could hear he was so poorly and needed to go to hospital. He didn't want to leave then but I think its more that once he settles in a place he doesn't like leaving!

We have lived in our house for a year now and he has settled into this as his home really welll, I think he just prefers to be at home with all his stuff and I am near by. I think this is a part of it too think it might just be a phase of seperation anxiety.

However since reassuring him I am not going to force him to go , he has gone to nursery like a star!

So after talks with his dad, he is going to come over tonight after nursery for dinner and stay over and see him tomorrow morning, then he is going to ask him if he'd liket o go and play if not he is going to just go home. If he doesn't go then next weekend we are going to go together to his dads house and go out somewhere fun, and I'll keep more in the background hopefully a fun day out will bring them closer.

I can;t have him spending weekends here again as I am expecting a baby in April and me and DP want to move into together after christmas, so I can't send him home just to accommodate his dad if you see what i mean.

Some parents it jsut comes naturally whereas his dad struggled to adapt and sometimes its quite obvious he is uncomfortable with him, I dont think that helps but can only improve as ds gets older.

do you think I'm being reasonable? its so hard to know what to do!

Vicki

Hi Hayley,

Thank you for replying.

It sounds like our children are reacting in the same way, maybe its a completely normal part of seperation anxiety?

I have told ds that he doesnt have to go if he doesnt want too and that he can go and play and daddys house whenever he wants, without having to stay over as that would make daddy really happy.

My exh takes it so personally when our ds prefers me to him, especially when he needs comforting but i think thats totally normal most children need their mum in their moment of need however much they love their dad.

As for the contact order, i'm fairly sure that exh wouldn't pay out for one. If he really believed ds didn't want to see him i think he would respect that for a while, I have tried to get him to call ds more as they have no contact for the two weeks inbetween. Do you have an order in place?

Is your exh's flat going to be far from you? We live an hour apart by car and I dont have a car, although I can borrow one in urgent situations. I see you have a younger baby too, will he be going to stay as well?

there are no easy answers are there, its so hard. especially when you have to push them to go if they dont want too. i guess the key is if they come back happy then it is for the best? I dont know!

wishing you good luck when its your turn,

Vicki