Hi

I am really frustrated with my ex for his constant cancelling for contact.  He has agreed to have DS stay with him every second Friday and should collect him from school or childminder on his agreed date.  Time and time again he calls to say he can't pick DS up because of work commitments. 

Last time this happened, I asked him to let me know if he wanted to fix a definite schedule of contact or would prefer just to call me and see if it is convenient to see DS.  Eventually he told me he had agreed with his work that he would finish early every second Friday, although when I asked him to text me the exact dates and commit to whether he would collect DS from school OR the childminder he was again reluctant.  He doesn't seem to understand that I have to pay the childminder in advance and can't just say to her that he might be there to do the pick up but if he's running late she must do it!  I have tried to explain this.

Now, after agreeing that he would collect DS today he has again phoned to say he has to work late.  This means that I have to finish work early again and rush to pick DS up, the childminder has to break the news to DS that he won't be going to Daddy's and I have to cancel going out with friends.  Ex says he will take DS tomorrow night instead.  I am really cross because he has not asked if it even suits me for tomorrow or what plans we have made.  He says he will take DS so that I can go out.  This makes me feel, as usual, that he sees his time spent with his DS as doing me a favour - babysitting.  I have plans to go out tonight to meet a group of friends - not tomorrow night.  I have told ex that tomorrow doesn't suit and that he can either pick DS up tonight as arranged or cancel.

Ex did suggest that he (or I) could call the childminder and ask her to have DS for another hour, or is it two hours?  He says he'll pay extra.  I really don't trust him as last time he had a friend of mine help out and pick DS up from nursery he was about 3 hours late and DS ended up asleep so stayed at hers.  I don't want the childminder messed around too.

What can I do about this?  He is messing up my work and social life, DS never knows when he is going to see his Daddy.  I honestly think he doesn't care about his son but is doing the contact just to show the world he is a caring father (and probably telling people he isn't allowed any other time).

Ana

Hi Ana

Sorry I've not got back to you sooner.  Far too late now, I know.

He is messing up things big time, and there's nothing you can do about it.  If you do have plans, perhaps you could organise a babysitter and tell ex that he cannot see your son that night.  That way you know that your plans will not be cancelled at the last minute.

I totally understand how frustrating this is, but, as far as I'm aware, we have to grin and accept it...

I feel The Git does the same with my children - as in just enough so he can say "last week we did whatever" - and forgets the rest of the rubbish meantime...

Sorry.

Jane

xxx

Hi Ana,

I would definatley put childcare permanetly in place for fridays, so then if he picks up DS at your usual collecting time then great but if he doesn't then it doesn't matter as you are already covered. It may not suit him to pick up later when he does but thats just tough!

again if you have an important night planned then like jane said make sure you have babysitter booked so he can't mess you about and cancel on him or rescheldue to the saturday night.

If he isn't giving you 100% commitment then your best bet is to organize your and DS lives without his input and he will just have to fit in around your plans.

Good luck

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Hi Kelly
That's pretty much what I've done now. Last night was supposed to be his night with DS. I had asked him to reconfirm that he had sorted this with work, but he didn't. I decided not to chase him for a confirmation (he could still change it on the day anyway) and when he hadn't called by Friday morning, I assumed nothing was arranged and didn't tell DS or send him off with an overnight bag. Ex phoned around 2pm to ask for the childminders address again and I said I wasn't expecting him to pick up DS because he hadn't confirmed it was definite, so he said he'd pick him up Saturday morning instead.

He seems fairly reluctant to make any effort so will give up his time with DS if the slightest obstacle comes up, like the overnight bag not being there (he could have asked to pick it up later or even gone out and bought a pair of pjs and a toothbrush for DS), but I really can't send DS off expecting to stay with his Daddy if I don't know that it is definite.

It feels so much easier now that I have given up my expectations of him.
Ana

Hi Ana

I have to say I find it easier too...

Hope you're doing ok.

Jane