I have been told many a time that my ex partner just walks all over me when my son stays with him and often asks to extend the time in which my son stays with him, usually at fairly short notice.

Today, he has had me quite upset and annoyed by how he come across. My son has been over his dads for the half term holiday, the arrangement was that he would be there from when i dropped him off on the Friday they broke up until this Friday just gone and he had even reliterated whilst i was speaking to my son on the phone in the week the time for when he would drop my son off on Friday evening.

Then, on Thursday ex rings me out of the blue and asks if he could have our son until Sunday but we already had plans for halloween so i agreed he could have him for a bit longer but that we had plans for halloween so we both agreed that he would drop son back Saturday afternoon. I even doubled checked to make sure this was ok with him incase he had something planned but he said it was fine.

Saturday afternoon i pick son up, ex's first words are 'what is it that you have planned for tonight as we were going to take him to a firework display which was going to be a surprise' which made me feel quite bad, but annoyed also as when i had asked him he said dropping son back today was fine so why if he had potential plans didn't he say so? Rather than make me look and feel like i am some sort of mean ****h then go all snotty with me over it?

Based upon this i am beginnning to wonder if perhaps its time to draw up some sort of agreement as to when he will see our son and for how long each time, rather than be treat like this again in future and have him keep chopping and changing plans at the last moment.

What do others think?

Missy.

How old is your son & how far away do you live from your ex?

Courts usually decide contact by allowing parents to "share"  quality time ( weekends & holidays) so to want some of the half term is not unresonable on your part.

Bottom line, is your son happy with arrangements?

Hiya Missy

You seem to have the exact problem that I have, so I can sympathise with you on this. I was granted residence of my two youngest children about two years ago. The order stated "father to have reasonable contact". At the time the barrister representing me said it was not in my best interest to state dates and times. This has been proven to be rubbish!

My ex turns up as and when he feels like it and has been doing since the order was set up. I have allowed it to go on even though it bugged the life out of me. However, a few wks ago I had had enough and went to see a solicitor. She sent him a letter proposing contact arrangements and inviting him to have his say about contact during school holidays. We have had not reply from him. She further suggested mediation to sort the contact arrangements out, again no response. He was told not to make contact arrangements through the children, he took no notice and text them telling them about "the nasty solicitor" and "mother's restrictions".

This weekend has been a nightmare and like yourself I ended up annoyed and upset. Neither myself or our two sons knew what time my ex was collecting the boys. I got so annoyed as time went on that I text my ex and told him it was unacceptable and not to turn up at all if he wanted to avoid a scene. My ex took absolutely no notice of this and came to collect our sons at 2pm when it was supposed to be 11 am. As a result I locked all the doors and explained to the boys that it wasn't possible to go with their dad as he was not coming for them when he was supposed to. My 15 year old son went mad, he started pushing me around (he's taller than me now) and picked up a chair which he threatened to throw at me and then throw through large patio doors. I was scared and getting really stressed out by my son's behaviour (even though he's skinny he's very strong and pushes me about) so I felt I had I had no choice but to let the boys go with their dad.

I believe firmly that unless there is amicability between couples then a formal contact arrangement should be in place. It seems to me, your ex is manipulative as is mine and has one face on in front of the children so as not to lose the "good father award", and another face for you. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here but that's my experience anyway, I feel my ex always tries to put himself in a good light at my expense.

I don't know if that has helped at all, but good luck, I hope we can both sort the situations we find ourself in out.
x
motherbear

http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-ukprcustody&msg=1393.1&ctx=128

These are the replies you received to the same issues in February.

Maybe the time has come to arrange mediation session to come to agreed contact that will work well for your son, you and his father.

I appreciate that his father lives some distance away, but this does not mean that your son shouldn't have quality time with you.

Draw up a plan of how you would like contact to be and see what his father says.  If he won't agree then you can either accept that he's not going to take any notice of you, or take matters further.

Best wishes

Jane