Hi, I'm new here, and I would like to read your experiences and ideas.

I've been living with my husband for almost 4 years, got married a year ago. It could be a succes history of marriage... but for one issue: he has 2 kids, 11 and 15 now.

He never talked to them or introduce them in any manner to the concept of our relationship, our marriage, our family. His idea was " They're smart", they'll get it.  On the opposite side, I had the idea that it was important to approach that with them, and also to discuss our concepts of discipline, education, etc, and reach a common strategy, to set clear roles, etc.  Time will be required, of course, for all of us to adapt to this, but by any means, I though we should go passive with this.  He kept our relationship in shadows before them, then just mention was going to get married, asking for "their opinion". That was it.

Now... I do not know were to find patience.

They come every other week, and spend the weekend, and... I simply... do not exist. Everything in this house is their property (their meaning dad and them), the only existent and subject to be heard person is my husband, I'm just who happen to live here as well, and sometimes I feel like "the cleanning lady".  They go though me, cause nothing is mine and I have nothing to say on nothing.  House, cars, bikes, atv's, technology items, I have no word on nothing for them. They are good kids meaning that they are not those violent ones, but in their minds, I'm no one to respect, to ask permission for, to properly address.

They come, they don't even say hello, thank you and please do not exist,  I can have something in my hands and they will go through me to reach it like if I'm just a "holder", they are extremely territorial and I'm starting to get angry.  I'm a career woman, paying bills, mortgage, taking care of EVERYTHING in the household, and I'm only a ghost.  They have no concept of boundaries, space limits, personal property.... no idea of what it means dad with wife working toguether and providing toguether, I'm not sure if they are aware about what me being his dad's wife means. I feel no one.

Another issue is that my husband and I have completely different backgrounds and standards in terms of manners and education, and there are things that I find unacceptable that he doesn't even notice. And he plays super dad for a weekend therefore there is no way I can get some help, these are the superweekends, where they are the kings... I'm there to pick the trash, wash, ...collaboration from them is quite out of question... there is a cleanning lady... named me.

All this time, when made an observation, the answer was: "you don't like them".  That phrase has wounded my sould really really bad. Because I had no right to say anything, it always ended the same way.

Since the very beggining, I saw a development issue with the older kid, he clearly was slow, behind age, etc, even physically, you could notice that. I was worried and smoothly tried to introduce the topic, cause his behavior was clashing with me, annoying me, but I had the knowledge to notice that something was going on there, and be patient with him (cannot tell you how hard it has been). I ended with a " we should not got married, you don't like them".  Recently, I made a final warning and he went with me to a specialist. Now we are in the process of getting a diagnose, everything points towards the Aspberger's syndrome, as I claimed.  This fact has made my husband a little bit more accesible, he had to recognize how valid my opinions were. It is a start, but a long road.

That was a good start in terms that he is now listening. But the interaction and weekend dynamic remains the same. I feel annulled. It bothers me that he does not move a finger to give awarness to them about the new family reality, about my role, about me being someone at his side, producing, building, me being someone. 

Their mother was a housewife, and currently, even with a new partner, stays at home and both live of my husband payment of child support. In my husband family, there is not a single career woman, with and active role, men in his environmment are providers and decisionmakers. I don't know if none of them is able to conceptualize a woman in an active working producing role, able to own things by herself, to render opinions, etc. And the need to be recognized as holder of an active role. That has not been an issue between us but I think he's not able to teach the kids bsed on that new model.  I cannot bear to much longer this annullment feeling, and I don't know If I'm the bad one here to feel that way.

I wish they simply salute when they arrive, recognized that they would not have access without permission to some things, address to me respectfully, not because I am XX, but because is the minimum that manners requires to a kid towards an adult or someone with some kind of authority.

It has been tired, every other week, starting on Friday, is like a time-space trap, were my life and existence stops in emptyness, I feel less and stay 72 hours with high blood pressure, and then our normal life resume on Monday, where everything is OK and nothing happened.

Am I wrong?, Shouldn't I have the right to say something when required? Shouldn't he stop the  guilt for moving forward with his life and face all toguether a new reality? Am I old fashined because I think "stepkids" should be guided and teached and approached on the new dynamics?  I know they need time to adjust, but not over my rights, and not disregarding my value as individual and holder of a "family position". I treat them respectfully and understand how important they are to my husband.

Any observation will be greatly appreciated.

Where do I start?

Firstly, I think the main problem is due to your relationship with your husband. Are you younger than him? Also, from the way you've written are you from another country originally? Also, tbh if you are happy being married to him there is no need to stress about the role you playwithin the marriage. If you are not, then maybe you need to go to relationship counselling.

With regards to the children, they are old enough that they don't need you to be a mum. Stop being the cleaning lady & let your husband get on with it!! If you don't run after them then they will have to stART LOOKING AFTER THEmSELVES.

I personally would go away one weekend so that you don't feel this sense of frustration, it also might make them realise they miss having you around, although as  I said your role is more likely to be as a friend than as a substitute mum.

I'm sure others will post with their opinions too.

Take care xxx

Hi and welcome to the board :)

This is definitely a partner problem. Your husband should be disciplining his children when he has them. To be teaching them how to show respect to an adult. In fairness, you come across as wanting some kind of recognition as a mother figure, but this simply won't happen. They need to start respecting you as their father's wife and an acquaintance at first. To show respect as they would to any person in general (as a starting point anyway). Your husband needs to step in and show them that their current attitude towards you is unacceptable. If he is unwilling to do this, I doubt the children will ever treat you any differently. They are being allowed to treat you like this, so why will they stop if noone shows them the error of their ways?

I agree with Helen that the weekend they are next coming round, keep yourself busy. Do you have any hobbies? Anything you would like to do? Stay at a friends etc. Anything to keep you from another weekend of frustration. Plus STOP CLEANING FOR THEM! They sound old enough to clean up after themselves and their father can help.

As with regards to the childrens mother and new partner, you can't change them or their behaviour so I wouldn't concentrate on them. But I do have to say, I am a stay at home mother/housewife and I own my own things and I can also have my own opinions. If your step daughter (if there is a step daughter, I don't think you stated their sexes) did decide to get married and stay home raising her children, there is nothing wrong with that. She may well be very happy leading a life looking after her family. You need to stop getting agitated about things you cannot change.

But change can come from your husband and how he teaches his children to be respectful. You need to sit your husband down and explain calmly and in detail exactly how you feel. It needs to be down to your husband to take this on board and deal with it.

Hi

I agree that firstly you should talk to your husband about how you feel.  He may not have any idea how you are feeling and he may not see anything wrong.  That may also push him to discipline his kids more and make him demand higher expectations from them in regards to their behaviour and attitude.

However, it it was me I would do my own thing on a weekend that they are there.  If possible go out and see friends or family, go shopping and if you're at home sit somewhere quiet and read, listen to music and let them do their own thing.  You don't have to cook or clean for them and if you do it should be acknowledged and not taken for granted.

Angel x

Thanks for your comment.

Well, I'm only 4 years younger. We are both from the same country, however, he never lived there. I met him when  I was posted in the US (I'm a diplomat). Our main differences, rather than nationality are from the way we raised.  Eventhough we share key values, let's say we come from different worlds, but we make a good team despite the differences (when it comes to the 2 of us).  However, those differents create big distance when it comes to the kids. Let's say my standards of respect,manners, politeness.... how can I say this, for him "they're being kids" and "I'm a dictator", for me... eventhough they have good souls, they lack of those minimums manners that we learn at home since little kids, and no rules have been given to them as to social interaction, contexts, etc.  My husband has been realizing that, but with so little steps forward, sometimes I just can't believe he's not seeing that. 

I"m not intending to replace their mom.  I wish to the the mother of my own and we started with the work already. And as mentioned, let's say we are a happy marriage, with that gray spot 6 days per month.

Usually I try to go out, but the result is the same, the trash and the mess will remain until I clean it.  When I make a reference ... "Leave it like that... I'll pick it up"... that never happens.

That has been my last option, I take those days to me, lessons, maybe church, shopping, manicure, etc.... just to be away of those hard feelings.

Believe me I'm making progress, not as I wish but moving forwards, no at least he stays listening for a while, a couple of years ago, by simple pointing their names... was like the end of days...

Thanks