Hi

I haven't been on this board for a while and the new addition to our family arrived just over 19 weeks ago. We had another baby girl so we now have 2 little girls. Life has been a bit of a whirlwind since her arrival and i definitely wasn't prepared for the impact of number 2, its been a steep learning curve and especially hard with DH working so much.

DH has a son who is now 7 and we have him every other weekend and some of the holidays. I often read posts saying that step kids need one to one time with the bio parent away from the step parent and i am just wondering what is meant by this. I agree that step kids do need time with the bio parent but to what extent. My DH works very long hours during the week, often coming home when the girls are in bed and he usually works on the weekend that we don't have SS. I support him working because its enabling me to be off on Maternity leave and at home with the girls for a short time. It was SS's visit at the weekend and so i thought that i would give DH and SS some quality time together on Saturday so i took the girls out for the day with my mum. Whilst out i was thinking that i hardly get to see DH, the girls don't get to spend much time with him either and they don't see that much of SS either so it seemed unfair on everyone. I am just wondering how other families work one to one time. Does this mean that you have to take other children out while dad spends time with his kids? We do have 2 DD's together who i entertain everyday of the week and the weekends that DH works so in some ways i feel a bit miffed that i also have to do this when SS is visiting.

When i got home SS seemed quiet and not overly talkative. He was asking where we had been, who with etc and actually seemed a bit put out that i had gone out with the girls without him but this was done so that they had 'quality' and one to one time together which we are constantly told by BM that is what he needs. Our 2 DD;s are siblings so they never get this quality, one to one time with either parent, it is very very rare that i have spent time with DD1 without DD2 not been there but that is our life and we are a family.

Your thoughts and ideas of how you work things would be much appreciated. Many thanks

Rebecca xx

I think bio-mom is manipulating the situation.

The point of a child visiting a bio-parent is for that parent to spend time with the bio-parent.  But this time doesn't mean the parent fawns over the kid spending every second creating "quality time".

If Dad is changing the oil on the car and the kid is handing him tools that's quality time.  If Dad is taking the 5 member family to a movie that is quality time.  If Dad is mowing the lawn that's quality time.  If Dad is watching the game and the kid is too that's quality time.  If Dad is at the bar that isn't.

My point being that Dad doesn't have to be alone with the kid.  In fact I think it would be better for you if he had all the kids at home and you took a day off.  I'm serious.

MANY CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I absolutely agree wtih Orange, his analogy of 'quality time' is perfect!  His examples are good and his example of non-quality time again, well said.  My SD loves helping her dad clean our car, mow the grass, taking the dogs for a walk - all without me!  Watching racing on telly isn't such a good one because she's not interested.  I tend to enjoy that sort of time out because I am normally pottering about, doing stuff that is easier to do on my own and sometimes I have 'me time' - that is important too and you come back all refreshed and happy.  Then, she's very helpful and is as keen to spend time with me too.  What do we do?  We bake, watch a girly film, go round the shops and check out fashion (she's starting to get interested). 

I also agree with Orange's suggestion that sometimes your DH could spend time with the children - take them swimming.  Maybe not both the little ones, but perhaps two of them.  I go swimming for 'me time' and I see a lot of dads theire with their children and their friends - all having a wicked time.  Or maybe go as a family.  I never see miserable children in the pool - only ones having a whole heap of fun!  Or maybe to the park, again, I see lots of 'weekend' dads at the park with their children.  Children always go and make friends at the park, so even if your DH is more hands-on with the younger children, your SS will be off running round and enjoying himself and DH will be able to join in (boys don't really grow up, do they).  That is quality time. 

I would also like to add that having quality time as a WHOLE family is very important.  Whether that is all eating together, watching a movie together, going for a walk on the beach. 

Orange says that BM is manipulating the situation.  What is your take on that?  I think BM is misinformed saying her SS needs to spend time with JUST his dad, when it's clear he wants to be with all of you.  If SS is telling his mum this, it could well be to please her.  Actions speak louder than words and you seemed to read SSs body language (and non-verbal communication IS valid) and he was 'saying "I missed you all!"

Thank you for your response.  I suspect the bio-mom is trying to force her ex to spend time away from his new squeeze.  But you may be right - she might just be mis-informed or just trying to maximize her kids time with him by keeping him away from his other children.  The last one would be a very normal instinctive reaction to protect or maximize her childs time with Dad.

But I'm still going with my original thought.   lol

Thank you for your reply, it was very helpful and you have read the situation correctly. I always think that your advise is excellent and you seem very clued up about this step family business and the games that are played with the children involved.

DH and BM were never actually in a relationship and SS was conceived after a brief encounter together. SS  has never lived with DH but DH has always maintained contact. BM wanted them all to be a family but DH knew it wasn't right so she now feels the need to punish him for this, using SS as her weapon. We have been through some tough times with it all and try to chose out battles with BM wisely.

Of course i know why she would want her son to have time alone with DH but he also has 2 other children and we are a family that needs quality time together too. Due to the age gap of the children, it is hard to find an activity that suits all the kids but it is good to know that everyday activities that DH and SS do can be seen as quality time.

Thanks again for your response xx