Hi folks, any advice, my husbands ex wife took their daughter who has just turned 15 out on saturday night at 5.30pm and we heard nothing again till 11.40pm that night, my SD came in and had almost certainly been drinking. We have bo problem with her going out with her mum, but this was her night to stay with us. She left her mobile in her schoolbag, and her mum wouldnt answer hers so we had no idea at all where she was, when she came in she was cheeky to her dad and just smirked at him and went upstairs. The next thing her mum and aunt (who she was out with for the night and SD cliaimed they were drunk) started sending SD messages saying that We were on the phone verbaly abusing SDs mum and SDs BF.

We phoned SDs mums BF at 10pm asking what time SD would be home at and he told us he didnt know. We asked where she was and he claimed he didnt know (we later found out he knew all along but was instructed not to tell us) Do you call this abusing someone verbaly?? asking where his own daughter was at that time on a saturday night. I phoned hubbys ex and asked her why she was sending SD messages lying to her and she was clearly drunk and was saying WHATEVER.

Sd then told her dad that it is not cast in stone that she EVEN NEEDS TO COME SEE HIM. He has seen her every day since he and her mum split up 12 years ago.

Now girls this will get your blood boiling. I told SD that she also had a responsibilty to contact her dad to tell him where she is and what time she would be home at , as it was his night for contact. She told me that her dad treats her like a child and her mum treats her like an adult, i told her that when she had kids of her own she would understand why her dad was so worried that he had no idea where she was on a saturday night at 11.40pm. Then she told me huh she is NEVER having kids becasue up until they are ten years old they are uninteresting, she told me her mum told her she never wanted a baby and that SD was a problem pregnancy and a problem baby, i was astounded, i told SD that her mum had absolutly no right at all to tell her such things, and that her mum should not be treatig her like a buddy, she is her daughter. She claimed that her mum has never been interestd in her but now she is over ten her mum now finds her interesting and her dad just cant handle that.

Also hubbys ex, took SD to her freinds house got drunk, sd claimed she herself was smashed out her brains, and her mum left her in that house with three lads of the house age 16,19 20.

The ex stromed round here yesyerday screaming at me that SD is none of my business ( i have childminded her since she was 6 years old even while her mum claimed to be at work but was not) She let me have responsibilty for her when she felt like it. Also she told me that how dare i tell her daughter that she treats her like a mate, but when i told her what sd had told us about the drinking and not wanted as a baby stories she soon shut up but denied of course saying such things and taking her drinking, We know this is true.

My problem now is SD is basically emotinally blackmailing dad that she will come round whenver it suits her, ( she lives round corner) but expects her pocket money as usual and is expecting expensive gifts for xmas and the luxuary holiday abroad next year. my hubby is crumbling as he doesnt want to lose his daughter, but i am sick of sitting back and watching her and her mum take the p**s. We have three other children in house, aged 14 girl, 10 boy with autism and a three year old together who SD cant stand, as well as her 5 year old half sister her mum has. HELP

Hi,

Given the choice would you prefer your SD to be out with her mates drinking and getting up to all sorts or with her mother learning about the big bad world. When she does go out with her mates then you can rest assured she will be savvy and less green than her friends. You may not think its responsible but she is growing up and to provide her with the tools of life is not a bad thing.

I can't imagine mother and daughter doing shots at the bar, but thats more than possible if her mum wasn't there. In my opinion to deny alcohol does more harm than good in the long run.

It sounds to me like your SD is growing up and the ones with the problem is you and your DH because you can't accept it and letr her go!

JMO

P.s just though i would add after reading your post again that you are very lucky for SD to of reached 15 and live round the corner to now be deciding that she will come round when she feels like it. My  SS is 11 and has had this attitude for a couple of years now. Given her age and the fact does live round the corner what is actually wrong with a open door policy now?

You completly missed the point , exwifes partner denied knowing where she was, what right does he have to withhold that sort of informationfrom HER father? Would you feel that was acceptable if your child was out with ex partner and their other half wouldnt tell you where YOUR CHILD was at 11.40pm on a Saturday night. Also as i said her mother took her to someones house, her mum and SD got DRUNK (not just a sensible drink, numerous cans of cider) and left her with three older lads, i am astounded that you could even say that her mum is helping her learn about the big bad world. I dont understand that at all. Also that she is proviving her with the tools of life . WHAT???? Did you not read the part about her mother telling her that basically she was an unwanted child and that she was unintersting , that is not normal mother daughter behaviour or bonding is it now?

My Sd life consists of coming hom from school and going straight onto the internet till the early hours of the morning,( im talking 2.30am on school night) she has NO freinds , she doesnt socialise (except with her mum) she gets plenty of money but hassles us to get her laptop fixed, when we told her she could save for a few weeks and get it fixed herself she was up in arms and outraged . She says her life is over if her laptop breaks, she is ADDICTED to internet. She is always depressed and tired. We have treid to get her help for her depression but her mum says NO.

Alcohol is a part of teenage life but i think the sensible way to go would to be about educating her not encouriging her, I have no prblem at all with her and MY teenage daughter asking for a small glass of white wine at dinner, but i do object to downing cans of strong cider. I wonder if you would feel the same if her mum was puting a needle in her arm, would you class that as providing her with the tools.and just teenage experimenting.

Why are we LUCKY that she should be laying down the law with us, WE are the adults ,there are other children in this house and they all have to abide by the same rules and dicipline, SD thinks she is above that and her mum encourages her 100%. Yes normal teenage behavioir is that they tend not to visit their grannies as much etc when they get to an age but this is her FATHER who provides everything, mum gives her nothing. She should show some courtsey and respect for her father even with a simple phone call to tell him of her whereabout (for her own saftey) and she has NONE much to her mothers delight.

Im sorry if you think i am attacking you , but i really do not understand your reply to my problem.

We do give her Normal amount of space but emotinal blackmail, disrespect, etc etc shows how immature she still is, of course dad is not ready to stand back and let her do her own thing going drinking and getting DRUNK , what kind of dad would he be, he is only guilty of loving his daughter and being concerned at the kind of role model her mother is being. x

As your SD's life is as bad as all that and the mother is doing such an awful job of bringing her up. That's she's depressed, staying in too much which is becoming unhealthy, becoming obsessed with the internet and is now turning to alcohol - I have to ask, has her father been trying to get custody of his daughter?

It sounds like a bad situation for his daughter to be in and I feel that for her to carry on in this situation may have more serious consequences for her well being and that her father should step in.

Yes dad has been to see solicitor but he said it is their word against ours and we would have to prove that her enviorment is harmful., also as she is 15 she can decided who she wants to live with, and SD will almost certainly say her mum. She defends her in everything. Sds mum even sent her to live with us a few years ago when she was 12 and dropped her and two carrier bags of clothes at our door. My hubby was over the moon at her coming to live with us but SD decided after two weeks that she didnt like rules , ie bedtime at certain times and the fact she couldnt do whatever she wanted . So she went back to mums telling her that it was rotten at our house. I didnt agree with the whole thing at all as what kind of mum chucks out a 12 yr old then expects her to be ok with it, Her mum took her back reluctanlty was was happy that daughter was slating us.

We are concerned for her wellbeig, when my hubby went to their GP to ask about coucelling and a pyshcisrt , an appoinmnet was arranged , but surprise surprise mum decided that SD was fine and didnt turn up, The gp told us that as her mum has custody SHE had the final say, mmm also the GP is a friend of SDs mum. We cant get another GP as her mum is the one with custody and would have to agree to register her woth a new GP.

We were wondering about social services but again she will deny everthing (sd and mum) .

We really are at a loss. xxx