I am feeling a put out and annoyed but guilty at the same time. My SD is of and age where she can begin to make her own decisions about when she sees us. DH is now contacting her directly to arrange to see her instead of BM who has often blocked contact and inferred that SD doesn't want to come over. We have always known this is not the case and believed BM to not want a close relationship to develop between SD and DH and possibly me too.

SD is not an issue (I am an unsual SM because I get on with SD). But I still don't relish her coming over when she wants to because I fear it will be more often than I can be comfortable with. DH is keen but when she was younger not so keen and he never challenged BM. I know he hates dealing with her so the less contact the better. BM has put more importance on SD staying with her maternal GM than DH in the past and DH never contested this. But now SD is able to make her own mind up he has said he would prefer her to stay at our house if this is what she wants. I haven't exactly told DH I feel put out but I haven't acted very keen. I am worried about the change incase I don't like it. I am happy the way things are and things have been like this for 7 years so part of me thinks why change now?

I have had more than 5 miscarriages and we are about to try for a baby again after a break and are having medical support this time and part of me wants to leave things as they are with SD until I get through the early stages of pregnancy and having a baby in my arms is looking more likely. I can't bear to go through another miscarriage and wrenching feelings that go with it while watching DH enjoying a close relationship with SD on a more frequent basis. I think it might tip me over the edge. The reason we stopped trying for a baby is because I was so distraught and became suicidal (DH doesn't know about me feeling suicidal exactly but he knows I was crying a lot and going for long, long walks and that I felt I didn't know if I was going to come back). I attempted suicide a long long time ago and I am very very scared of reaching that scary low again (DH doesn't know I've attempted suicide). I am so scared of losing the plot and seeing no way out.

It would be better for DH and SD if I let things develop without any negativity from me but what will this mean for me? It would be better if we found a compromise all of us could live with so maybe I should tell DH my worries and ask that we don't move too fast on the SD seeing us aspect? Help, I don't know.

I am mum to a child whose father tries not to see him and I am also step mum to 2 kids, whose dad would see them every day all day given the opportunity.  I also don't like change very much.  I can totally understand your feelings about having your SD around but not liking having the balance of your life disrupted.

However.... having an exH who doesn't see his child, I love the fact that my current partner feels that strongly about his children and would never get in the way of this.  It does disrupt my routine and I do struggle with the noise, mess and loss of his attention, but I'm very aware that the kids are getting older and they won't come round so much, being with their friends will be more important.  You don't say how old your SD is, but she's probably going to be the same.  It may initially be a novelty coming round when she feels like it rather than on a strict access basis, but the novelty will wear off and if she's becoming more independent, then she will be more independant towards you and her dad not just her mum.

You also need to talk to your partner and let him know your fears about things.  Maybe he can arrange to take her out sometimes to give you a bit of space.  By bottling things up and hiding your doubts from him you are exaggerating your fears more than you need to.  He's aware of your fragility and if this is causing you problems, then you need to tell him.  If you're not communicating with him, then he won't be able to take any of this into consideration when making plans with his daughter.

Clare x