Hi

I have two sons aged 21 and 15 at home. I have been divorced for 5 years. My 15 year old is extremely rude and aggressive to me.

He calls me names and swears at me, he doesn't do anything I ask him to and is constantly late for school.

He stopped seeing his father 4 months ago - he had not turned up on his birthday - yet again did not buy him anything and when he came round two weeks later he broke his xbox mucking around in the bedroom. My son called his father all the names under the sun and has refused to see or speak to him since. His father has never been the most reliable of people - left me for another woman after 18 yrs and owes me 6 yrs child support!!!

His attitude has got so bad that I spoke to his Head of Year - who is a friend - as I work in the school he goes to. I wished i had not as my friend spoke to him about his attitude and he totally went off on one with me. I explained that I was on my own and had no back up from another parent so sometimes I needed help and advice from my friends. He said he knew alot of people who were on their own and they did a much better job than me at being a parent and that i was useless. His brother is lazy as well I over compensated when their father left and now they just walk all over me. I have not even been on a date let alone met a new partner and I suppose I feel lonely in my own home.

I just do  not know what to do anymore - I have no energy and have to work two jobs as i am in debt on a DMP with the CCCS and have a mortgage to pay, my father has just gone into a nursing home as he has dementia.

I am at the end of my tether and do not know what to do anymore pls help

L

Hi

I am so sorry you are going through all of this on your own, let me reassure you you are not a failure, it is easier to walk away from your responsibilities than face up to them and make the best of it, if anyone has let you and your sons down it is their dad, he is a loser and a no-hoper, not you. I take my hat off to anyone bringing up kids on their own, it is the loneliest and hardest job imaginable.

It sounds as though your son has a lot going on atm, he is a typiucal teenager, at a tough age, and he sounds angry, frustrated and upset, perhaps the divorce, his change in circumstances and his dad letting him down have finally mounted up and he has all this rage and disappointment inside. I wonder if counselling would help, you could ask your GP or the school.

Perhaps it is time you stopped over-compensating and if they refuse to do things then they don't get done, they are not kids and I hope your 21 year old is helping financially in some way. Otherwise I would be asking him to live elsewhere. The only way to stop laziness is to stop doing things for them and let them take some responsibility. I sense a lot of guilt in your post and that is destructive, the divorce wasn't your fault and you seem so burdened with things that I wonder if you are suffering from depression as well.

As for your debt then you are doing really well, holding down 2 jobs is no mean feat. I think both your boys could help out financially, your 15 year old could get a paper round and your 21 year old should either be in work or training so he could help to contribute as well. If they refuse I would be tempted to provide the bare essentials and let them go without the rest.  You should not be taking the brunt of all the finances with 2 healthy males in the house.

Hi

Thanks for your support.

My 21 year old does help now and again - he has just moved back in a couple of months ago after splitting up with his girlfriend he is still upset with the break up.

I will look into counseling maybe it would help. The thing that hurts the most is some of the things my youngest says to me - even my eldest tells him "thats enough" sometimes.

I try not to take it personally but when you are called and "idiot" Stupid B****h" it hurts. If I ignore him he goes on and on and on. He is over 6ft tall and really well built so it is like having a man intimidating you. My ex was a lover of that and both boys saw him hit me and belittle me. I'm not scared of him - don't get me wrong - and my eldest is the complete opposite personality wise he is quieter although he takes things personally and gets depressed easily.

I don't think that I am depressed - I was on tablets and had counseling when my ex left me - I think though everything is getting on top of me and I can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Although I don't go out that often i have great friends on both places of work - when I do go out on the odd occasion you would think that I am abandoning them both!!!!! They even wait up for me and quiz me why I am out so late!!!!!

I don't want to turn into a "Martyr Mum" I know I have responsibilities and I am not trying to make it all about me I just want my youngest to love and respect me.

L

Hi

It seems your sons behaviour has got worse because of his father, not because of something you have done.  However you are the target of his agression and that really is not acceptable, you should not put up with him calling you names and treating you badly.  I would investigate counselling for him, maybe your gp could refer him?

It is hardwork being a single mum, and I think we mostly all overcompensate, how could we not? we love our children and want to make it better for them. I'm sure you do a great job, your eldest is proof of that.

It must be hard for you to see your father go into a nursing home, dementia is a terrible cruel illness, it robs us of the people we love.

I'm sorry I don't know what a dmp or cccs is, maybe you could investigate reducing your debt repayments, I know CAP (christians against poverty) help with this they are a charity that just help people manage their debt, it's totally free and they can sort it all out for you.  You shouldn't be working two jobs as well as running a house and bringing up your children.  Are the csa claiming your back payments for maintenance?

Can you have a word with school about him being late? maybe they have a counseller he could see? I know our school has one attached to the childrens centre which they use.

Hope I've been a little help, I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel, it is a very lonely world when you're a single parent, especially now the boys are older you don't have the contact with other parents at the school gates etc.

best wishes

Caroline x

Oh my gosh, your story is so similar to mine.  I haven't met you but I can tell you are not a useless mother.  I too am divorced, have 2 pre-teen girls who constantly argue with me.  All I think is "If I talked that way to my parents they would have spanked my butt red", I didn't want to raise my girls that way.  We had a horrible divorce, 2 custody battles and after 10 years still doesn't pay me child support.  I tried to compensate with them too.  I also got very, very depressed.  Never felt like that before.  They know how to push my buttons (now they do, not when they were younger).

I feel for you, I wish I had some awesome advise to tell you, but remember your not alone, I'll be sending good thoughts your way.  Just hang in there, stand your ground, calmly but firmly tell them this isn't ok and even if it hurts and you don't have the energy tough love it.  After all we are the moms right?  We brought them into this world. 

My girls just started being rude (especially the oldest) she's a month away from 13.  Every morning, and when I pick her up from school, she is sarchastic, rude, yells at me!  She was my angel until about 4 months ago, now she's demon child. lol  Now my youngest 11 is defying me and she always, always minded me.  Myself, we're going to get counseling, maybe that might help you, but go as a family.  I don't know...I'm trying to help.