My 13 year old daughter has been spending a lot of time with a girl the same age who lives nearby.  This girl has been part of my daughter's group of friends on and off since primary school but over the last few months they have become inseparable and my daughter is spending very little time with her other friends.  This girl is manipulative and unkind and often told the others who they could and couldn't play with when they were little.  She has been very nasty to my daughter in the past and last week called her some horrible names and said she didn't want to be seen with her anymore.  This evening I picked my daughter up from the local town where she had been with friends, and this girl was with her.  I brought them both home in the car and my daughter seemed to be desperate for this girl's attention, chatting about what had happened during the evening - ' Did you see what happened when...?',   'it was so funny when....wasn't it?'  The other girl talked to her and replied, but the whole thing seemed a bit one sided to me - it's difficult to explain but it made me feel quite uncomfortable. 

What I find so difficult to understand is how my daughter can go back to being so friendly with this girl when she has been so cruel to my daughter and her other friends in the past.  It is as if she has some kind of control over them.  I'm sure it is just a phase or something but I do worry that it could become a pattern in the future if we don't do the right thing to help my daughter now.  I know women who seem to be attracted to men who treat them badly and I would hate for this to be my daughter when she is an adult.   Why can't she see how manipulative and horrible this girl is?  I have tried very hard not to judge and avoided saying I don't want her to spend time with this girl as this would probably make her seem more attractive, but it is becoming more and more difficult to keep quiet about it.    Any advice please???

Hi

Welcom to the board, I haven't got my cl hat on atm lol. I can really relate to what you are saying becasue I had a friend just like this when I was younger, tbh looking back she was horrible, manipulative and nasty and I don't really understand why I stayed friends. I had know her since we were 5. I was bullied at school and found making friends hard so maybe my "friend" was better than being on my own. I know the other kids didn't like my friend so she fell in with the bullied kids, the fat kids and those who were generally on their own and I know she did this to exercise control and boss them around.

I am sure this is not the case with your DD, but it could be this girl has a very dominant way with her and the other girls look up to her, perhaps she has made threats or has even bullied your DD, perhaps your DD lacks a bit of confidence and sees this girl as a confident, ballsy sort of person. It could be this girl has no other friends (not surprising) and is putting pressure on your DD to be her only friend. I think this is dangerous as your DD could become isolated, I think kids need a wide circle of friends if possible. It is possible this girl needs your DD to feed her ego.

What you can do, you could try having a gentle word with your DD and point out that she isn't seeing her other friends as much and perhaps encouraging her to have her other friends over more often, you could point out that if your DD and her "friend" fall out she will need her other friends to fall back on.

You could point out you are uneasy at the amount of time she is spending with this girl. I agree that criticising this girl might backfire and make your DD defensive and make this girl more attractive, but I would actively encourage your DD to see her other friends as much as possible, perhaps have a sleepover one weekend.   

I hope it is just a phase, most kids make friends wiith at least one unsuitable friend and it is really hard to watch your child being used and abused. It might be your DD is not feeling very self-confident and unsure and this girl is taking full advantage.

Hopefully your DD will grow out of her, I did with my friend, once I made some proper friends I realised what a cow she was and dropped her like a hot brick and I realised she needed me far more than I needed her. But I wouldn't worry that your DD is setting up for a life of abuse,  hopefully this is just a blip or a phase. It does seem to be something that girls have far more problems with than boys because girls can be incredibly nasty and bitchy to one another in a way that boys aren't.

Hi Thank you for the welcome and for your sensible, supportive reply.  I know it makes sense to try and back off but it is hard to watch it happen.  Today I've had a phone call from the school to say my daughter has been put on report because of her bad attitude - I know she is not perfect but her attitude is much worse recently because of the time she spends with the other girl.  My daughter is noticeably more pleasant when she hasn't been around her.  The time has come to sit down and discuss it with her I think and see if we can find a way out of the situation.  Watch this space!

Hi

I hope I have helped a bit but I agree with you 100%, if being friends with girl is affecting her behaviour at school in a detrimental way then perhaps the time has come for a chat and a laying down of some ground rules.

It is one thing for a child to have an undesirable friend but if that friend is exerting a malign influence on their behaviour at school then I think the time has definitely come to try and seperate them as much as possible. I really hope your DD realises that this "friend" is actually nothing of the sort and starts to distance herself. Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Hi

From experience i KNow that the more you try and separate them from unsuitable friends the more appealing those friends become! ( still remember the times spent with daughters very smelly boyfriend!) I know if I'd banned him he would have become an adonis, soon she realised for herself and dropped him

If the other kid is one of the popular ones your daughter will do anything to be one of the gang, very hard to watch but hopefully in time she will back away herself

Good luck