The Exploring abuse board is a place where we can all come together to share our experiences,get some advice if we need it,or just vent.I want this to be a board where people feel safe expressing their feelings and their views,where we can be honest about who we are,and where we can come together as survivors.There are important points to remember when posting that can help ensure we achieve these things as a community.

Choose a username that is different to your real name,and don't give out personal information.It's important to remember that we don't know who is reading the board.This is a public forum,and anything we post is available for anyone to read.I remember how lovely it felt to be welcomed here when I first posted,to feel like others understood.The main stength of this board is that we are a community,we come together as people who understand each other.But we ARE all strangers to each other,and for our own safety,we must take precautions.

Be yourself!None of us are here as experts,we are all entitled to express our opinions and thoughts,to give the advice we feel is helpful or to be honest about our feelings.I feel privelaged to be one of the community leaders of a board that has helped me grow as a person over the three years I've been a member,a community that has taught me that it's ok to say how I feel and to be me.Like any other board,we have disagreements and differences of opinion, and although personal attacks and fighting won't be accepted,we ARE all entitled to our views,and to express them.Any advice or thoughts you may have are valid and welcomed,as long as they are presented respectfully.

Don't be afraid to post.Sometimes we don't feel we know enough about something to post,and although you may feel that someone else has said it all,or that others are more qualified to answer posts,remember that we are all valuable members of this community,and each of us has much to give.Like I said,none of us are experts.We don't offer a professional service on this board.But what we CAN offer is understanding,friendship and support and in my experience,these are often the things that really help when you're in the thick of it.A hug,a handhold,or a friendly word of support or encouragement is sometimes all that is needed,and can make a huge difference to someone who needs support.Like I said,I felt acccepted and welcomed when I first came to this board,because people took the time to post and let me know they understood.Please know that you are valued here,and that someone will always appreciate your posts.

Please feel free to use this thread as an opportunity to introduce yourself,or to say hi to new members.It is always great to hear more about our members (the saturday six is good way of getting to know each other,everyone is welcome to take part) so please don't feel you can only post about abuse.We're all people,and coming together to laugh,cry and just talk as well as share our experiences of abuse is what makes our community so strong.

Christina xxx

I think that was a lovely, welcoming post and I now feel I would like to say a little about myself. I hope that's okay.

I often feel like a fraud on this board because I haven't been through what many here have been through. I did have an emotionally blackmailing boyfriend once and I have recently had friends tell me that they think I have issues with my parents, which I guess I do, though I don't understand why.

I know that my experiences with my first 'proper' boyfriend taught me a lot, as the mereist whiff of self-pity now brings out a totally different reaction in me than it used to. I know that I am a very strong person in many ways and my hope in being here is to empower others.

I am currently wondering if it is our (refering to women here) maternal or nurturing instincts that lead us into these problems. It is all too easy to think about the hard times 'he' has had in the past and to blame his problems on those - which may well be correct. But we are not experts and we cannot 'help' them as we would wish, so we try and try to reasure them and make their lives better.

We excuse their bad behaviour because we see 'reasons' for it. Then when we finally leave, we can't get them out of our minds because we feel guilty for letting them down, not 'saving' them from their own demons etc. These men aren't men at all. They are children in men's bodies. I think that deep down, we know that and that is why it is so hard to let them go. We feel we 'should' be able to help them - but by reasuring them etc, we feed their jealous, possessive feelings.

We forget that we also have reasons for being 'bad', just as much as they do and we become preoccupied with trying to help them, instead of helping ourselves. We reasure them again and again, until it becomes a ritual of pleading/begging to be believed, day after day. No matter what you say you are never trusted, even though you have never done anything disloyal. Whatever you do or say, it is never enough.

Your friends are all tarts and will lead you astray, so you aren't supposed to see your friends anymore. There is no belief that if your friends were actually tarts, you still have your own mind and can 'behave'. No trust.

No reasurance works, then you become 'his'. He 'thinks' he owns you. He wants you to have his children - it sounds so romantic and loving, yet it's really a way to tie you to him, so you can't ever leave. He will find a way of getting you pregnant. Then, you are his forever, in his eyes.

A true relationship involves empowering your partner and him empowering you. It involves mutual respect and concern for each other. I have had a couple of very good relationships since my first one and I know the difference. I am now single, but my hope is to empower women (or men) in bad relationships so that they have the strength to move on, as being single really isn't that bad, and it's certainly better than trying to 'save' someone who doesn't want to be saved.

Sorry for waffling. I hope what I have said is understandable. I am tiddled and I know I wouldn't have said any of this sober. I will very probably regret it all in the morning. I just hope I have explained my presence here on this board. Besides my ex, I have had other experiences in life that sometimes seem to give me an insight into how someone here is feeling. I want to help anyone I can and I apologise if I sometimes get it wrong. I won't give pity were it is 'asked' for - but when it isn't, I know I am a very empathetic person. I won't be 'played' ever again. I have learned my lesson.

To end, I would like to say, sorry for waffling, I hope I haven't upset anyone, and finally, I think the people on this board are fantastic!

Love and peace to all,
Zoe

I have to get to bed as I am up early in the morning so will reply in full then. Just wanted to get a quick reply in so you couldn't edit your message. 'Tiddled' or not, you make sense to me

love

Mygally x

I can relate to what you say at the end, about waking up in the morning and regretting posting -- BUT that was such a great post and says so clearly what I also think. So... no regrets! You have really helped me by stating something so important - and I'm sure others too.

I fell in love with my husband (now long ex) for the very reasons you mention - he was vulnerable, like a lost child. It's taken me many years to undo that "saviour instinct" and not take care of people who ostensibly need me, but are actually abusive. I'd also like to say that reading this board has helped me enormously in recognising what is abusive behaviour, which is sometimes difficult to see, if one is full of self-doubt or has a poor self-image. It all comes down to realising that some things are NOT acceptable from people, no matter how much you may love them. It's a hard lesson to learn and I guess some of us have to learn it the painful way...

Thanks also to Christina for the warm welcoming message - much appreciated by shy, reclusive creatures such as myself :) It's wonderful to see such supportive people helping each other.

All the best, Martha

Christina, that was a wonderful post. It reminded me of when I first posted, and you're right, it is lovely when people welcome you and listen.

I have been on the boards for about two years. My marriage ended, and I thought my world would fall apart, but I realised that it was my husband's controlling and manipulative behaviour that had made me so dependent on him, and so afraid of being me. This board helped me realise that. I hope I can help others who are in the same position, thinking it's their fault and feeling scared of breaking free.

I hope everyone is well.

Shemy xx