Hi everybody,

I posted this on the relationships board, and I was advised to post it on here, so here it is.

I really dont know where to begin, but I am doubting whether I should stay with my DH or to leave. We've been together 14yrs, and we've been through a lot of troubles, when we got together I was young and naive, he was alcoholic, but at the time I just thought he was being a typical young lad - I was in colege, so drinking a lot was a big part of my life then, so I didnt realise he was alcoholic til he started spending all my money. Anyway, we got over that by me changing my pin number on my card and not letting him have any of my money for alcohol, we struggled but I think we overcame that. Then he turned to gambling, and would spend night after night on the bandits in the pubs spending every penny he had on them, we'd go to pubs together and Id be sat on my own while he spent all night on the bandits and if I tried to ask him to come sit with me he would get angry with me. And that is my main issue with him. He is bad tempered and can be quick to anger. Sometimes i feel Im walking on glass an try not to say or do anything that will anger him. We now have two kids, our DD is 7 and our DS is 18mths, I thought he'd settle down once we had kids, but he hasn't. He doesnt respect me or the kids, he talk to us like we are sh*t on his shoe a lot of the time. He swears a LOT, which when we got together it didnt seem to matter, but now that Im older, and a mother of two, it really upsets me- he swears at the kids. Our DD is very clever, but when she did something wrong a few weeks back he called her a 'f*ing imbicile'. That has grated me ever since, how dare he speak to her like that? And I said that to him at the time, but it just caused a massive row- we shouted and screamed at each other, the kids were both scared and screaming, so I grabbed them and held them, but he went on to kick the door in, he actually kicked the panel of the door, then he picked it up and threw it in OUR direction! I went mad and told him to get out right away. Which he did. Then later he rang me saying he wanted to sort it out and that he was sorry. So I said he could come back, but sleep on the couch. That lasted one night. Now hes back in my bed, but we havent been romantically involved at all (DS is still sleeping in our room). We are back in the same old rut. And the same issues are still there. he still disrespects us all. Our DD can be in school all day, then she comes home and all she says is 'daddy...' and he snaps back at her 'What?!' Theres no need for him to speak to her like this and it grates me every single time. I tell him not to speak to her like that, but he doesnt see what hes doing wrong. its making me miserable. We have no fun in the relationship. There IS no relationship, its like we are 2 seperate people living seperate lives, we just happen to live together. We have different values and ways of thinking. And i do worry that something like this may happen again, and it may be worse next time. I am dunno what to do. I think about leaving him, and the thought of not being with him gives me butterflies in my stomach- it means a fresh start for me, and I think that is what I want. But then I orry if its the right thing to do. And hes not ALWAYS like this, but most of the time, say 80% of the time he IS. And I know its affecting my DD, she has said to her godmother that she wants to live in a world full of mummys, but not a world full of daddys cus al they do is shout. I see now that my DD is developing a temper, and I worry about the affect he will have on our DS growing up, I dont want him to follow in his dads' footsteps. I just dont know what to do for the best. I wish I hadnt let him come back that night, and I often think I made a massive mistake in marrying him. We got married young, and only because I was pregnant with my DD- he wanted to 'do the right thing', but even then I thought to myself, whats the point - its only a bit of paper, but I didnt dare say that at the time. I think in the back of my mind I am a little scared of him. There have been instances throughout our relationship where he has been aggressive towards me, and one of my friends reminded me the other day, that when we first got together he smashed my stereo up and raised his had to punch me, but something stopped him before he did it. Sometimes I think, if only he WOULD hit me then it would give me a 'proper' reason to leave him. I just dunno what to do. I feel trapped, and I feel miserable all the time, and I look at my friends marriages and see how, for the most part, they are happy and feel loved, which is all I want, to be happy and feel loved, and for my kids to be happy and safe. I booked a holiday for us all to go on, but he wasnt interested in going, when I asked him, so instead im going with my best mate, and I think the fact he didnt want to go on a family holiday in the sun with me and the kids tells me everything about the state of our relationship.

Please, any advice/ opinions would be wonderful, I really am standing on the edge of making a life changing decision. I have no-one to turn to, no family really to speak of, so I really need to know what you guys think.

Catherine xx

Hi Catherine,

Firstly, abuse does not need to come in the form of "if only he WOULD hit me" as a proper reason.  Abuse also comes in the form of psychological, emotional, financial so to suffer abuse you don't have to be hit.

You have two lovely children to think of and this man is not showing you any respect or entering into a true loving relationship.  He sounds like he has lots of issues of his own, alcohol and anger problems so until he is ready to realise these then he won't seek any help.

However, you need support and someone to talk with and guide you which is the best things to do for you and your family.   Do you not have any close friends who you can confide in? 

You say that you are a little scared of him this is not a normal loving relationship.  Firstly, do not make any rash decisions and leave without any where concrete to go.

In your area are there any Sure Start Centres/Family Centres?  They usually have key workers who will give you confidential advice and support and be able to help you with housing,  financial and emotional support.  Google to see if there are any in your area.   Is there a loal Women's Aid charity near to you who you could call, again they will offer fantastic support.   They will not encourage you to leave unless you are in real danger but can help you leave if you feel that you want to.  They will also offer unbiased suppport, with housing,financial, health issues, non molestation or restraining order but most valuably for you at the moment they will offer you emotional support and the chance to talk things through and get more perspective on the relationship.

From what you write you sound very very unhappy and the sooner you get some support the sooner you an make the right decisions for your family.

I hope that this helps