|
Good afternoon ladies. I'll try to be as clear as possible as I am rather confused myself.
I live with my partner (2 years older than me) and my son (aged 11). My partner has 2 girls (14 & 6). The younger one comes for tea once a week and stays one night a week. The eldest comes and goes when she pleases. The ex-wife is an absolute b***h from hell and, to be honest, the girls can be angels but are very materialistic and can be rude (very disrespectful to her father in the elder girls case). The ex-wife did the 'honestly, I'm on the pill' stunt and was pregnant with the eldest within 6 months of them meeting. My partner told me he hadn't expected the relationship to last much longer but then she told him she was pregnant. He stuck with her through her online affairs, spending all his wages on rubbish leaving no money for the rent, saying she was moving and taking the girls and it was up to him whether he went with them or not (and then doing the same a year later when she got homesick). He was also expected to do most of the housework while she sat on the computer all day and night (on top of working 12 hours a day).
Our (rented) falt has got damp and we have got Environmental Health coming out on Friday. My son is being a gobby 11 year old. Whether we like it or not we have to tiptoe round the ex as she will try to muck up the relationship between my partner and the girls.
My son's dad picked him up from school on Friday and I'll collect him on Thursday. Friday night after my partner got home we popped out for a meal (ok, just KFC but when you're broke and have children you're grateful for anything :-D ). After that we came home, showered, watched a bit of tv and then 'played'. It was a wonderful night. Not a care in the world. My partner is not a 'charmer' but he is very kind and I love his sense of humour.
This Saturday we had both girls round although eldest was going to a teenagers concert. The youngest had hysterical sulks most of the afternoon about the eldest going out and leaving her (apparently she had been like this for 2 days and instead of saying 'live with it' the mother and sister fussed over her). My partner spent most of the afternoon on the computer looking for new rental properties (bearing in mind we don't have a deposit). About 1pm the youngest asked for lunch (hadn't been eating as has a throat infection) at which point partner was playing a computer game (he's not an addict or anything like that. He works very hard at his job and often relaxes with a quick game of Zuma or similar - but just wasn't the right time!) so I had to gee him up to make them something.
Eldest was going out at 7pm so at 6pm I realised that if I didn't do something the girls would be going without, so I got them fed. Youngest ate heardly anything anhen grizzled hysterically about eldest going out. I told her she was being silly and she should be pleased eldest was going to have a good time. As eldest was about to go out the door she grizzled so much my partner agreed to take her (out in the rain. She has a throat infection!!!) while he dropped eldest off.
That hacked me off. Yet again the youngest as got her own way so thinks grizzles work!! She could have stayed with me. I wouldn't have been nasty to her but I wouldn't have fussed over her!! I was soo pee'd off with partners actions I found it difficult to be anything but ultra polite to him.
He picked eldest up at 10pm. When they got back I asked about her night and then went to bed. Partner came to bed just after 11pm. About 11.30pm he got up. I followed him to find out if he was alright and he said he felt ill. I put my dressing gown on and told him if he felt ill her would be better off in bed and I'd sleep in the camp bed so he could toss and turn without worrying.
He then questioned me about why I was upset. I didn't feel in the right frame of mind to talk about things rationally so asked to leave it until the morning. He kept pushing the subject until I snapped and let rip about being left to make sure the children were fed, all the pandering after the youngest etc. He then commented on my son's behaviour (he's no angel but not on a par with these girls). ?I saw red and told him that if he kept fussing over the girls and letting them get away with everything he'll have a couple of spoilt brats on his hand. I know I was out of order but no point leaving anything out of this!
I went back to bed closely followed by partner. He followed me to the bedroom, turned the light on and started yelling at me to get to the council on Monday morning and get them to house me. I asked him to keep the noise down so he didn't disturb the children but he was too far 'gone' to care. All the time he was waving a finger in my face which I REALLY hate. After a few minutes of this I pushed his hand out the way and held his arm so he couldn't do it again (which he could have done as he is a lot stronger than me). He shook me off and went back to the other room. By now I had seen even redder with him wagging his finger at me so followed him. As he went in to the living room he slammed the door shut in my face.
This was like a red rag to a bull after the finger wagging so I flew in to the room and smacked him round the head. I've NEVER been violent before so was horrified with myself. He spun round and slapped me across the face. I was standing next to the wall and as my head flicked round the top part of my head hit the wall, stunning me enough that I sat on the floor. He carried on shouting at me for about 30 seconds to a minute. The bump on my head was HUGE by the time my backside hit the floor.
He stopped shouting and I made my way back to the bedroom. He followed me immediately apologising. We don't have any peas so I ended up with a bag of potato smiley faces wrapped in a tea towel held to it. I could see him out the corner of my eye and I can honestly say I've never seen anyone so confused, hurting and shocked in all my life. He told me that he was disgusted with himself. He has always believed that men who hit women are the lowest of the low and he was now one of them. I did say that I had to take responsibility for some of it as my actions weren't good but he wouldn't (and will not) accept that there is any excuse at all for his behaviour. We don't have a telephone in the bedroom and he offered to call the Police and report himself.
About 2am we went to sleep. The next morning he took the girls home (had always been the plan) and then he took me to the hospital. He wanted me to tell the doctor what had really happened so it was officially recorded somewhere but I don't think that would gain anything.
We have talked a little about what happened but he is on edge. From things he has said I think he is worried about whether I feel 'safe' enough with him to talk about things. I do feel safe because I can see that there has to be the 'trigger' in place for a big row to happen. We've had one other huge row before (never got to this stage) and that was also to do with his girls/ex-wife. As well as the topic we also have to already be tense with each other as 99 times out of 100 we can talk about the children fine.
My partner has rung me today and told me he keeps ringing the doctor (he is a professional driver so restricted on times he can call) to make an appointment so he can ask for a referral to an anger management program or counselling. I don't think it would do me any harm either to go!
99% of me is sure I'm doing the right thing by staying with him and that with professional help and being aware of flashpoints everything will be fine. My partner is not controlling at all. He encourages me to meet my friends. He is supportive of me doing whatever job/hours I want to do. Always listens to me when I need to talk (Friday night he sat for nearly an hour while I offloaded about a telephone conversation I'd had with my mother and things that had gone in with my parents in the past which had stressed me. At the end he knew all I wanted was a hug). We were at his parents a couple of weeks ago and I could hear him talking to his mother in the litchen raving about me but it's not that he puts me on a pedastal as we've often discussed our human failings (you'd be amazed the c**p we talk about!!) BUT 1% of me tells me that all advice I've ever seen about DV says one chance and go.
Any input would be appreciated -apologies for the ramble!
| 
Related features:
Socialise with us
Bag a bargain on twitter with iVillageBargain