My friend and I have just had a heated argument  on her relationship with her boyfriend, and I think he has hidden agenda’s but then again I would (my story on infidelity board)

1.      she is not allowed to ask any questions on his living accommodation, he says its privet, I say he has got a family on the side,

2.      he only shows up on certain days in the week, and never stays long, I say again he has a family on the side,

3.      they never go out in public nor dose he spend the night with her and she has her own flat and no family, again I say the above

4.      she asked  how much rent dose he pay and when it all boils down he pays no rent well not a fixed amount he has his money to play with he says

now my debate is this as I’m not use to boyfriends and courtship rules only the lying marriage ones is this a basis for a trusting relationship are these rules he implying to her normal or is she blind to the decide I see happening or am I wrong and this is normal, when I have asked her to ask him a direct question, and, she has, he then says why all the questions why can I just come and visit you with out the 3^rd degree, I say he only come for what he is getting and then runs back to the family, hope this qualifies as a debate if not please give me some advice were to post it because I need her to see this for what it is and the more options she gets the better she will be able to see it for what it is,

San,

I'm with you on this, it does sound like he has something to hide and my money is on a wife and kids.

 

CL on Coping with Infidelity, The Infidelity Debate, My Affair,  Families Affected by Addiction

Hi Sanweb

I think every couple define their own relationship and as we are all different not every couple have the same 'courtship rules'.  I would agree that it sounds like he has something to hide.  However for me the real issue here is why she is settling for this.  Does she have low self esteem, is she so desperate for a man that she would accept one just calling on her when it suits him?  She clearly would appear to have no issues with this arrrangement hence her defending him to you or do you think she is in denial.

Of course there is always the 'but she loves him' excuse but she didn't love him when she first met him yet allowed this relationship to develop knowing very little about him.  My guess is that she feels she doesn't deserve much better.

If they are happy together does it really matter what others (you) think? or is that another debate entirely?

Mygally x

hi

thanks for the reply, she has no idea her worth and is afraid that her time is ticking way she has no children and thinks he will be the one I have given all the you don't need a man and she really knows that she's been on her own most of her life career was the most important issue then,

told her she doesn't have to have a family unit as such whole lot of brilliant single mum out there,(if you get what I mean)

but I'm beginning to suspect she likes the drama of it all while I love the bones of her I have decided to let it be and be like the man at a football match you know the one with the sponge and magic spray,

when I needed I will be there until then zip it and nod,