I'll admit to being a fan of the People's Friend. It is so gloriously old fashioned and moral. (unlike me)

Pill

The 'real me', but not me, IYSWIM

In an affair I can be accepted for what I am at that moment in time, I am not pre-judged by a person who has known me for a long time and knows my history, so I have the opportunity to behave differently without someone saying 'why are you behaving differently, you are not like that?'.  I can re-invent myself, my history begins again with an affair partner.  Eventually I may have a parallel life (as DJ says), but it is different.

In a long term relationship, my partner 'knows' me, which I guess is a potential 'problem' for some people about longer-term relationships.  Nobody likes to be taken for granted.

Pre-conceptions and prejudices about what people are like based on their history, how they look, their accent, their sex, their social class, their job title, are difficult for those people to overcome.  An affair allows them to be 'me', but really it allows them to be different.

In the work situation being different is something I have flirted with for years.   I'm a restless person.  I've had several jobs, and job-related interests, and other interests, in parallel, and still do, and I know one group of friends perceive me as one thing, and other groups of friends as something else.  So I don't feel 'branded' and because I already have lots of differentness in my life the differentness of an affair has no appeal.

An affair is a relationship I think, to respond to the original question, but it begins at least as a distorted relationship because (a) it is based in secrecy and lies and (b) one or both parties to the affair are 'pretending' or behaving 'differently' to 'normal'.  After a time I think an affair relationship would settle down to its own kind of normality and become a parallel life.

I think Ken's situation in Coronation Street brought this out quite well. When he finally "decided" to go for the AP, proclaiming he didn't mind the stinky toilet on the boat, and all the nasties, he nevertheless ran scared when he realized that by joining the AP, he was joining not just her, but her whole life - he would meet and socialize with her friends, she already had a set of habits and plans ahead in which he had played no part. He was like an outsider coming into a new, ready-made life. And so he ran away and back to his DW.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that a relationship isn't just about two people, it's about two people integrating their lives into each other's broader circle of life. In most affairs, this isn't possible because of the need for secrecy - although there are affairs where there is no secrecy and they are more openly involved with each other. I also think that "dating" becomes more of a "relationship" when the two sets of friends/family interact as well, when you swap hobbies or decide to differ on that front, etc. It's hard to do that if you are in an affair.

kfc.

Hi kfc

*ken* has had a fair few affairs now, so has his missus...hmm!

There are many people having relationships that are kept seceret, due to age gaps, race differences, religious difference, and one or both partners being affiliated elsewhere, to name but a few, or how about same-sex relationships where he/she has kept it hidden?

Secrets happen in any relationship, the abuser and his/her child victim, the drunk with his her fists on his wife/husband....

The gamboler or drug addict/alchohol dependant.....we all keep secrets......

The common denomenator is fear of exposure....perhaps we should examine what makes us keep anothers secret? 

What price do we pay to keep our *love/lover/abuser* protected from the truth coming out?

Annie

kfc

I think you are right to point out a relationship (between two people) isn't just about those two people, and the nature of affairs I guess is their insularity, because the secrecy forces them to be that way.

'Let me introduce you to my lover, oh and you don't mind not telling my wife about this do you?'  Mmm, I don't think so.

That's not to say some marriages & long term relationships aren't insular and maybe too self-contained, but they don't have to be that way, whereas affairs probably do.