Good evening,

I have a feeling this may be a long one.

My Fiancé and I have been together for 9 years now and during that time he has had a telephone 'relationship' with a woman who lived many miles away, internet relationships with several women and frequently uses porn to masterbate.  Thats the short version.

By 'relationship' I mean sexual, ie. phone sex, text sex, cyber sex and sex on webcam.

He has done all of this in secret and each time I have found out, I have been very hurt and it has felt like a betrayal. He has been very sorry and sworn not to do it again, but has also said that the 'relationships' mean nothing to him and are just the same as watching porn. But to me he is interacting with other women and seeing them on cam and in photographs that they send to him, therefore it is an infidelity surely?

I recently began to suspect he was getting up earlier for work than he needs to so that he can go online and watch porn, talk to other women on chat sites and masterbate.  I have challenged him about this and he has admitted it.  The thing is, he comes in from work and falls asleep on the sofa all night so we have no interaction and to be honest, the thought of what he is doing turns my stomach, so I find it very difficult to be intimate with him now.

However, if he is on the computer watching porn or chatting, he can stay awake all night.  I asked him to get up early one morning when  he was off work, to help with the children as I was not well, but he overslept and I had to cope alone, but as I said previoulsy, he gets up at 4.30am and so on to go on his pc before work.

I feel like he is obsessed with porn and sex, and I really do feel like he is cheating on me with this, maybe not in body, but certainly in mind. I also found out he had been on porn sites and chatted sexually to other women whilst he was looking after the 2 younger children, who were 4 and 2 at the time, and he feels that there is nothing wrong in that!!

I really feel that our relationship has totally broken down and I don't know what to do about it anymore, but I know I have had enough of this obsession and I am begining to see him as a pervert now :-(

Any thoughts?

Hi Seasapphire and welcome to the board.

If he's doing all of this in secret, then it's a betrayal; he's lying to you about it. It would be different if you were doing it as a couple.

I think you need to work out where your own personal boundary is. I wouldn't have a problem with the porn as I think most men (and many women) look at it but interactive sex whether by phone, text or otherwise would be unacceptable for me and it seems to be unacceptable for you too.

The question is, if you've been putting up with this for nine years, why is it suddenly unacceptable to you now?

Love,

Hi ME,

Thanks for your reply. To answer y our question, I didn't know about it until about 18 months ago and since then he has promised he won't do it again.  I have 'caught' him three times since the inititial discovery, I know... more fool me for giving him a second, third and fourth chance :-(  But I just feel like a failure for having had one broken relationship and leaving my three children growing up without a Father.  I just feel I should give this every possible chance so that my younger two don't go through the same thing.

But now to be honest, I am so sick of wondering if he is lying or doing it again.  There are other issues too, that have nothing to do with this board, but they affect how I feel also.  I do suspect that I am 'staying for the children' and I always swore I never would.

Like you, the porn isn't the real issue, it's the other women and lots of issues to do with his behaviour toward my older children and laziness.

If i'm totally honest, I think i'm afraid of being left alone with 5 children and i'm not getting any younger.  But is internet cheating a real reason for ending my relationship with the father of my 2 children??  I don't thinki anyone can answer that for me, but it does help to write things down.

Oh and thank you for the welcome xx

Sapphy x

Hi, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. He is violating your trust in him and then telling lies about it. I went through the same, my husband was chatting up various females on facebook, flirting and being very suggestive and I caught him over and over again while our marriage went stale. He never really apologised despite knowing it was hurting me but got angry at me for snooping.

Looking back I wish we could have sat down and had an adult conversation about how we were both feeling and if we could have fixed things but instead he continued, I got fed up, self esteem destroyed and started in an affair (stupid stupid girl, I know). My marriage is over, I believe there is much better out there for me although there is a part of me still thinks the husband is a good guy if a bit misguided.

My advice...find a way to talk, communicate. Have a date night, make each other feel special and bring back the magic that brought you together. If it doesn't work then it's time to move on, nobody should feel like they're second best to their partner.

Love, hoppity

Hello,

Just thought i would add my two pence worth. Totally agree with what the other girls have said, your most certainly not being unreasonable!

Time and time again i've read about poor women who feel they have to put up with being treated like s*** by their partners because they dont want to upset the children, yet the children are obviously nowhere near a priority for the cheating partners who so  often have the cheek to use the children as emotional blackmail. It really hacks me off!

Beth xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx