Hi all

I'm new to this, but would appreciate some advice.  I have been married for 30+ years have 2 grown up children (one at uni who still stays at home).

My problem is my husband who recently dropped the bombshell that he is in love with one of our friends wife.  They are younger than us by about 10-15 years, but we have known them for 20years.  They often come to us for dinner with their children and we go to theirs.  The wife used to help out at a childrens club once a week.  She stopped doing that about a year ago saying it was due to work commitments.  I had no reason to doubt her.  We still kept in touch via text email and the occasional visit. 

He says he has been in love with her for years and has asked her to leave her husband for him, she apparantly told him no.  He says that there has been nothing sexual and apart from the peck on the cheek at new year etc, he has never touched her.  i am devastated.  I don't feel I can talk to her about it, how would I broach the subject. Looking back to last year I remember one occasion when we were in the kitchen making dinner and DH asked her if she wanted to see something on the computer.  She refused and I thought at that time it was funny.  Not long after that they stopped coming to see us.  He says she has told him that she does not and has never reciprocated his feelings but he feels he cannot live without her in his life.  She changed her mobile number last year and told me it was because she lost her phone, now I'm not sure.  Now when we meet up she always makes excuses why she can't come back to the house for a coffee.  I now realise its because my DH makes her feel uneasy.  I don't know where to turn.  I feel like Im married to a dirty old man who is lusting after something he can never have.  He says he can't explain why he feels this way, just that he does.  The only reason he told me was because I knew something was bothering him and kept on at him.  She had apparantly told him last year if he did not stop bothering her she would tell her husband, who is supposed to be his best friend.

I don't know what to do or think.  I love him, but how can I live with him when he is in love with someone else.

thanks for listening

SJ

Hi SJ and welcome to the board,

Boy this a tricky one. DH thinks he's in love and the object of his affections is on the verge of getting a restraining order.

"I love him, but how can I live with him when he is in love with someone else."

How can he love her? it is at best a crush/infatuation, but it is none the less harmful to your relationship with your DH.

I honestly don't know what to advise, other than talking to your DH maybe, no I'll change that, definitely within a counselling environment.

I remember telling my DH after I found out about his affair that my reality could never compete with her fantasy, and I must say in your case this is more than true because the whole "affair" is in his head.

 

CL on Coping with Infidelity, The Infidelity Debate, My Affair,  Families Affected by Addiction , Coping with a Crisis