Hello Jen

I am glad that at least now something is being done about the bullying. It's a real shame that your son has had to move school, but sometimes that is the only thing you can do. How is your son now? What support is he recieving? Even though the bullying may have stopped the effects can be long lasting. Have you been able source out any support as of yet.

Anyhow I hope your lad enjoys his hols as much as poss and is looking forward to a new start. Drop me a line if you need anything.

Grant A Harman DipEYCE

grant@ypsg.co.uk

Thank you for your message

Sadly my son has had no form of support but he is part of a loving family and we are supporting and helping him as much as we can.  We tried counselling but the counsellor was useless and we had no alternative but to stop - she was making things worse for him not better.  If love can get him through this then he will be fine.

He is a strong little character and has fought everything with immense courage and strength. He will do well.

I read through your profile (hope you don't mind). I think you sound an amazing person. My cousin's son has Asperger's and has not been encouraged in life at all. I think you should be very proud of yourself. You sound very strong and focused.

Love,

Wow it has been ages since I wrote that profile and unfortunately I'm having problems in updating it. So much has happened since then. I have qualified as a level 3 nursery nurse, become a youth worker, worked in pastoral support in both secondary and primary schools, finished mentor training, one an award for my charity work (Young person of the year, delivered lectures on bullying to children, teachers and parents, run my own support group website, become trustee of a youth charity and I'm off to study children's nursing in September.

Why do I tell you all of these things? To gloat? No to show that things can get better. Whilst at school I was severely bullied to the point where I didn't want to live anymore. I was petrified to leave my house and was scared the kids were going to hurt my mum. I too was moved schools and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. The effects of the bullying were long lasting and in a way are still with me now but in a positive way. At the time I couldn't cope any more and couldn't see a way out. Now however in a strange sort of way I am glad that I went through that pain and hurt, because it has given me a real insight into the lives of a lot of children I work with. I am able to empathise rather than sympathise (sympathy is seeing someone in a hole and feeling sorry for them and empathy is being there in the hole with them!# If I can go through it and come out as strong and successful as I have then I know your son can also. From my own experience there will be things that he will go over and over in his head, some he will feel able to tell you now #expressive offloading# and some will take some time. I know my nightmares took quite some time to get better #I would wake up the whole house) but they did in time. Things do get easier but they take time patience and plenty of opportunities to express oneself.

Unfortunately most counselors have no life experience and so don't really understand what it is they are dealing with. A book can only tell you so much and tends to focus on the "Normal person" and "Normal responses" this is what these people learn. They don't seem to understand (Unless they are one of the good ones) that everybody is different and there is no textbook answer.

I think it is so great that your son (I'm guessing his name is Andrew unless you have more than one child) has such a loving and supportive family. I know if it were not for my mum I would definitely not be here where I am today! 

My other real support and security comes from my faith. I became a Christian on 30th November 2006 and since then have had amazing things happen in my life. God has sorted me out when I have been in sticky situations many a time.

Well sorry that seems to have been a bit of an essay hasn't it? lol

Feel free to ask me anything or if you, your son or anybody you know wanna chat then please feel free to drop me an email any time.

Take Care,

Grant Harman DipEYCE

grant@ypsg.co.uk

www.ypsg.co.uk

LOL yes my son's name is Andrew. 

I hope you are very proud of your achievements as you should be.  Its a comfort to know that out of the horror of bullying can come an inner strength to allow you to achieve so much and subsequently do so much good.

Andrew is a strong character and I think if he hadn't been very ill (undiagnosed coeliac disease which caused all his hair to fall out after he got better) then I don't think he would have been targeted.  He missed so much school and when he eventually went back he was isolated from his group of friends and everyone else had moved on in a sense. 

He is surrounded by love and support from myself and my parents and sister, and also his extended family and I hope he will be fine.  He keeps a great deal to himself but we have a good relationship and I hope will come to me if there are any problems at his new school. 

From your experience is it best to speak to him about the bullying do you think or should I let him bring it up if he wants to?  He has no nightmares I know of and still wants to go out with his friends and seems reasonably well adjusted now that he knows he won't be going back to the old school.  I just want to build his confidence for the new school so it doesn't happen again.

Love,

Hi sorry it has taken me a while to get back to you. Work has been manic!

My hair too fell out as a child, however mine was due to alopecia, probably due to the stress of the bullying. I had to use this awful shampoo that was like tar and absolutely stank. Fortunately for me it worked.

With regards to speaking to him about the bullying each person is different. If it were me I would say something of the lines of "Some people find it helps to talk about things that have happened and sometimes people don't want to talk about them, If you ever want to talk I will always be ready to listen. Then just wait.

You may want to wait and see how he seems and use the above if you notice a problem or he seems preoccupied.

I hope some of that helps :-)

Grant Harman

grant@ypsg.co.uk