Hi all,

Just after a moan really.

I've shared responsibility as a carer for a family member since I was at school. I had three glorious years out for university, but apart from that she' had the best years of my life. She's not a very nice person. There's nowhere else I can send her, though, as she has very special needs, and probably wouldn't survive very long in a home.

Now I have a chronic illness, and I'm still stuck looking after her.

Where did my teens go?

What happened to my 20s?

All of my friends went off and had great careers or got married. My career consists of ad hoc consultancy work for people who don't pay me properly for the amount of work I do, because I don't assert myself, and don't have the self-worth to claim for all of my time when I am fitting my half-a**ed efforts around looking after somebody with an unpredictable illness and an even more unpredictable penchant for emotionally abusing us. At least the other kind of abuse is long in the past. I doubt she's the strength to hit us these days.

I've given up the dream of having a life of my own. I feel like I've missed out on the best bits already, and I'm too old to catch up. I might as well accept that I'm stuck doing this until one of us dies.

Sorry if I'm bringing the mood down. I have a habit of doing this sometimes. I know it's not pleasant for other people to read. When I get their shocked or scolding responses I realise that it's a miracle I'm not MORE depressed, because, hey, this stuff is going round in my head every day! Even so, I appreciate I really shouldn't post this stuff here. I don't post very often for that exact reason. I'm just really not sure where else to go with it, as none of my friends really care anymore - and they never did understand.

Does anybody out there understand?

Has anybody else ever been here before?

Or am I just the kind of person who brings this on myself and deserves it?

I suspect I do deserve it, but how do I make myself a better person? How do I find the energy to even try?

Thanks for listening. Responses aren't necessary.

I hope it made sense - I'm too tired to know!

Cx

Hi C and welcome to the board,
Feel entirely free to come and have a rant any time. We will definitely understand.

Is this person you are caring for an elderly person or younger ?

I think it makes a subtle difference to how we feel at times.

Are the other people you share the caring with, still doing their bit too ? Have you ever considered someone coming in to where you are, at home I'm guessing ?

Have you been in touch with social services to see about what help you could get to make your life and her's easier ?

Being a carer and now suffering from a chronic illness yourself will make it so much harder to motivate yourself for yourself. So it's understandable that you'll leave the chance to struggle with something else such as chasing debtors etc and just flop and have a rest instead.

I don't know how things work for shared carers but I wondered if you could see about claiming Carer's Allowance or other benefits as a result of what you do. Depends on how many hours you care.

Please don't fear bringing the mood down. We are in the same boat, feeling similar feelings and completely understanding you feeling and thinking those things.

You can post stuff like that here. Nobody is or should knock you for it. Compared to how I feel and think at times I think what you've said is quite mild really.

I care for my mum who has dementia and she wasn't that bad when I first started caring for her, didn't have dementia then so at times I feel like I've been hoodwinked and sucked in to a job that was made a thousand times worse once I'd signed up and got involved. I love my Mum to bits but this illness I absolutely hate with a passion.

I have gone into the kitchen to scream many a time. I've wanted to drive off and never come back.

Thankfully I now have sedatives for her which helps a bit when she's really bad. I struggled physically with her the other day when she had food in her handbag round her neck and I was trying to get it off her. I have sat in my car outside somewhere and cried as a result of the way things are..... and then I go back and carry on.

I learn better ways of coaxing things off her rather than just reaching out to take them etc, which only results in her becoming stubborn and difficult.

Yes we understand what it can be like and how it can affect you.

Hugs
Owly x

From Owly x

"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."

CL on :-

Coping with Depression

Overcoming Stress

Paranormal Experiences

Astrology & You

Carers & Cared For

 

http://www.patient.co.uk/PatientBookShop.asp?BookID=0859697428

Caring for Your Elderly Parent (Overcoming common problems)
By Julia Burton-Jones

This title focuses on the emotional aspects of caring for an elderly parent or relative at home. Containing case studies, the book considers both the positive and negative aspects of caring, including managing the changes in relationships, getting adequate emotional support and handling anger, frustration and guilt. It suggests ways of getting help and dealing with Social Services.

From Owly x

"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."

CL on :-

Coping with Depression

Overcoming Stress

Paranormal Experiences

Astrology & You

Carers & Cared For

 

Hi Owly,

Sorry for the delayed response. I wrote that email late at night when I had a fever, and I think I surprised myself with what came out even as I was writing it. Not that I don't feel that way to some extent all the time, but not on such an extreme level! I think the moral of the story is not to write when your temperature's over 101! :D

The person I care for is younger than me, although one of my parents has dementia, too, so I do understand what you're going through. Social services are involved, but to be honest they're being a bit useless. They're making us jump through all sorts of hoops just so that they can get their funding sources sorted out - an exercise that doesn't help or hinder us one way or another, but does seem to generate an awful lot of work. Once that's been sorted we should know whether we're entitled to the same level of emergency support we've been getting. It's still not enough, though, and there have been days when I've had no sleep or only a couple of hours. I should probably be sleeping 10hours every night with my current illness.

I know what you mean about being sucked into things. These responsibilities creep up on you until they're suddenly part of your life. It's a hard one for me because the person I care for is so ill that sticking her in a hospice and being done with it would probably kill her, but at the same time I know that if it were me making my whole family ill because I needed so much care I would have put myself in a hospice years ago, and damn the consequences. I'm rooted in ambivalence because I do resent the fact that she's more selfish than I would ever be, but I also admire her for clinging on to life, and would fight tooth and nail to keep her at home where at least I know (barring unforeseen complications or infections) she will be with us for a good number of years to come.

Anyway, I've booked in with a therapist who I've been meaning to see for - literally - years, and she's supposed to be quite good with this sort of thing.

Anything's better than being sucked back down again...

Cx

Hi C,
Think I need to order that book myself. I had a mini breakdown about five years ago and since then my memory hasn't been good. It makes it hard for me when I get letters like the one I mentioned in the other thread as I just find it hard to know where to start finding out who to contact and what to ask. How I manage to help anyone else beats me.

Hmm yeah :) probably not the best time to post with such a high temperature.

Why am I so reluctant to contact Social Services. Maybe I'm afraid of being let down like I was at the start. I see you've experienced being let down by them too. Plus you say you've had a lot of work involved as a result and I would just dread that as it would wreck my head.

You mentioned needing ten hours of sleep and I'm the same. If I get stressed I immediately want to collapse and sleep for hours and hours. Mostly over stress to do with my Mum that makes me feel that way and also brings on my asthma.

Can you say what you're seeing the therapist about, is it your caring or your own health.
I think we have a counselling service for carers but whenever I need them it's always outside of their hours and by the time they're open I'm fine again.

Hope you're doing ok today.
Hugs
Owly x

From Owly x

"The harder you fall, the higher you bounce."

CL on :-

Coping with Depression

Overcoming Stress

Paranormal Experiences

Astrology & You

Carers & Cared For