Hi all

I will try and keep it brief, Mum died last year quite suddenly, Dad, who is not my real father but has been since I was 14 is 86, he is still living on his own but I and my younger son go round every day, he is not well, has a heart condition, on warfarin, prostate cancer, breathing problems and very unsteady sometimes. He is also supposed to be on a very low cholesterol diet which he does not stick to at all and drinks way too much which I cannot control.

DP and I have spent a great deal of money to convert the garage into a room for him plus a downstairs bathroom so he can come and live with us and he will move in, in the next 3-4 weeks.

Problem is, he is old and has very different ideas to us (he couldn't understand why I was in Ikea at 8pm one night) and whilst I realise that we will have to make a very big effort to compromise I know that he still thinks that he is independant, he forgets that I now sort out all his finances, hospital apointments, and my son,s girlfriend does all his cleaning, he thinks that a trip to sainsbury's everyday is all that is needed and when he moves in he will "help".

I know he will be under my feet all the time ( I don't work at the moment as I was made redundant) and also as time goes on he will need more help, he will have his own space and I just need a bit of help in how to set the ground rules from the start so we don't all get on each others nerves, we want to make him feel wanted and loved but to also understand that I have a very stroppy 20 year old at home, (he is great with his Grandad, but Grandad doesn't see the horrible side, he will!) we watch different stuff on the TV, we use the internet and we are busy people and will not spend all day watching TV with him.

How can we make him part of the family here and still encourage him to have his own space, he is a very loving man but very proud and I don't want him to feel pushed out because we want to do something he doesn't, I want him to be independant as much as possible.

I have a lot of problems with DS2 which are revelant to the situation but too long to go into now. Can anyone suggest how we can make this a smooth transition for all concerned.

Sorry this is so long.

x

Hi there M!

The description of what you are going to be going through made my hair stand on end. It isn't going to be easy, for you , DP or for your dad/stepdad! I am guessing he is mentally able to make decisions, just not prepared to accept he has physical problems.

It might help if you laid down rules about personal space. Don't actually ban him from the rest of the house but suggest he makes use of his room more. Maybe he could have his own TV in there. Also try to find an area in the house that is only used by you and DP. Your bedroom if necessary. This will mean you all have private spaces. Nobody is allowed in, they have to knock the door and be invited. I know this sounds silly but it gives a bit of freedom all around.

Don't bend over backwards to change your way of life to fit in with the new member of your household. As  he wants to be independant, even if this isn't totally practical, find small ways where this can work. Including letting hime decide what he wants to eat even if it is bad for him.

Just read through this and it sounds a bit like I am laying down the law. Oops! not meant to be that way but I am not exactly compos mentis myself at the moment.

hugs

Hi Tabbs

Hope you are well! I think you are right, he will have his own TV and his armchair will be in his room even though he said he thought I would want it, it is a huge electrical recliner. thinking about it he may spend more time in his room as my sofa's are quite low and he can't get up from them very easily, lol.

I think I am panicking now as it is so close, (PMT included at the moment) and we have 30 years worth of stuff at his place to pack up and get rid of, not even sure where to start sorting it out. Some of the stuff is nice and I begrudge the thought of just getting someone in to clear it all.

I will make more use of personal space, although I know he will not understand this at all but I will be firm. He is starting to forget stuff now too and also thinks up the most bizarre stuff, last night asked me if DP and I were going to seperate as if we were then what would happen to him, what a question????? I said that I hadn't really thought about it but never mind him, what the blinking heck would happen to me lol.

I also think that even though he has said he doesn't want me too work and thinks he can pay enough money for me not too, I will at least look for something part time, I don't need to work desparately at the moment as I have insurance for the next 6-7 months but I think a bit of distance might help, although my insurance pays a decent amount so finances will decide that.

Thanks for your support, sorry, have rambled on again. lol. Take care

Don't worry if you do "ramble on" it helps you work things out. It is more than likely the old fellow is scared and feeling insecure which is why he asked if you were splitting up. Really good idea to take some part time work, or a hobby if necessary, outside the home as it will give you a break.

Remember too, there is always this board to offload. Those of us who have been there, done that will understand.

I was "lucky" although I have spent a large part of my adult life caring for various family members they always managed to keep going in their own home.

Tabbs xx

(Oops, sorry Owly I have kept my badge on!)