Hi everyone ,

This is going to be a first class rant so please please if you are down or not in the mood don't read it ..I don't want to adversly effect anyone else..just need to sound off .I would normally go on the coping with depression board because thats what I have but everyone on there is struggling enough and does not need to handle me having a tantrum .

I am so bloody angry right now ..i'm not sure why ,its not like me to get so mad but at the moment I just want to scream ,whats making me want to scream ..im so so tierd of feeling there is something wrong with me because ive finally reacted to all the c**p ive been through over the years ...not going to bore you with the details but there has been plenty and the end result is that im now agoraphobic and depressed ..oh joy ..I had an assesment a few days ago and the person doing the assesing was focusing on my self esteem ,this just made me want to laugh...oh goody ..theres another thing wrong with me ..ive got low self esteem ,thanks for that .Actually I havn't I know  im intelligent ,reasonably attractive and normally a fairly nice person ..I don't hate myself ..I just don't like people or being around them at the moment because ive had a total overload of general junk and pain ,not to mention a fair bit of abuse and there has always been one common factor...another person .

Now I get the fun of finding out that hey..its actually my fault because I made the decissions that led to the events that led to me having low self esteem ..or I made those decissions because of my low self esteem ..well hang on a moment ,yes I made a couple of poor choices but I didn't choose to have an alchoholic father ,a pervert grandfather ,an autistic brother or an obsessive mother ,nor did I choose to have employers who exploited me ruthlessly (hospitality industry..kitchens..) by having me work far to many hours nor did I enter into relationships expecting to get beaten or cheated on I didn't choose to have the company I was really happy in fold and I did not choose to have to leave my lovely flat because I couldn't afford it ..and I sure as hell did not choose to have a break down or become agoraphobic ..those things happened but I didn't tick any boxes for them .

I know that we are all responsible for the choices we make but non of us has a line to the future..im sure if we did we might do things differently .Well im sick of being dumped on and it somehow being my fault and then being told that my disliking the human race in general is a problem ..now in sure most of you reading this are perfectly nice people but experience is what teaches and informs us .

Sorry to let off steam like this but it needed doing somewhere ..and it was this or one of my very patient friends or poor hubby getting it ..at least you can switch me off ...lol

Thanks for listening

Kd

Hi,

I can relate to how you feel, i get so angry at some of the things that have happened to me during my life too. I knw it sounds like i'm a whinge, and i know there are people far worse off than me, but i juszt get so cross sometimes!

Like you, i didnt bring these things on myself, i didnt choose for my mum to die when i was & and i certainly didnt choose for my dad to remarry a controlling, manipulative, childish, sulky bitch.  who emotionally abused me and emotionally manipulated my father, and i certainly didnt choose for my father and my siblings to turn a blind eye to it

beth x

Hey hunni,

I hope you're feeling better today???? Sending you some love and hugs, and to say that's what we're here for anytime you need to sound off, then I'll be waiting to listen hunni.

Love and hugs
Jen.xxx

 
Cl on Confessions Corner , Mum's Club May 08 , and Mum's Due Nov 09 

Hiya hun just would like to let you know i have read your post. And if it makes you feel any better hun i had a nervous breakdown back in june 2000 and have been struggling on n off with severe depression ever since.

Been admitted numerous times into psychiatric hospitals for attempted suicide and self harm. I understand how your feeling and where you are coming from because i feel the very same hun.

I didn't choose to be sexually abused as a child, raped at the age of 15, physically and mentally abused by my ex husband, i certainly didn't choose to have 2 heart attacks in my 30's, or have a nervous breakdown and left with this horrible depression.

So without going into to much detail you can gather hun i feel the same as you alot of the time.

Hugs to you and hope you are feeling a little better today.