I don't know what to do- well i know there is nothing i can do.

A while ago during a business trip, I ended up sleeping with my boss. He is 11 years older than me which is not a big deal- my own boyfriend is 9 years older. Worst thing: he is married (no kids-not that that makes any difference) and i in a relationship of 2 years.

I knew he has been interested in me for a while now (6 months or so) and me in him- there was always a tension of sorts but I ignored it- at the end of the day, I'm also battling my own beliefs (religious believe it or not).

I tried to stop the deed from happening but drinks flowed all evening and he was insistent and I, too weak to resist his advances. I had been secretly dreaming about it for a while. I am not attracted to him because he is married- if anything, that is a turn off. it's him. and now i don't know what to do. i know he wants to act like nothing happened but i think there is already an emotional connection there and i can't stop thinking about him or it. i get butterflies whenever i see him or think about it- before and after the situation.

can men simply have sex without having any attachment at all? i know he said...look he isn't going to leave his wife and he was strongly attracted to me. he higlighted a number of problems in his relationship and i in mine. thing is i have been questioning my own relationship recently and have been too guilty to do anything about it- now even more so.

he isn't ignoring me at all and i will have to be normal with him, I know but i'm finding it difficult as i think i had already part fallen for the guy before this happened (i.e. got jealous whenever he talked to any attractive girl etc). i can't believe i have done this. i am so weak. i have never ever cheated before and neither has he.

how so i overcome this? please help xx

Hello : )

IMO it seems like you've got a case of Lust! That feeling when you fancy the pants off someone and it gives you butterflies in your tummy! its an evolutionary thing that makes humans want to procreate. Unfortunately it also stops us thinking straight! You've slept with him so your probably feeling emotionally attatched, happens to all us girlies, its a hormone thing! (this post is beginning to sound like a biology lesson, i dont mean it to!). Men dont get that hormone unfortunately so i'd be careful if i were you about taking this any further, he may well be able to keep on sleeping with you and telling you all the things he thinks you want to hear ("i wish my wife understood me like you do, iwish i'd met you first etc) without actually feeling any of the emotions that you are.

I hope i dont sound too harsh but i speak from experience and i know alot of women who have been in similar situations, 9/10 the husband doesnt leave the wife and the mistress ends up feeling used and resentful.

I dont doubt he's having relationship problems (why else would he cheat on his wife?) but he needs to sort it out with his wife, not have a fling with a member of his staff. I know he said he's never cheated before, but you only have his word for that, if i had a penny every time i've been told that i would be a very rich woman by now!

Like i said, i hope i'm not being harsh, but i speak from experience and it wasnt a good one, he told me all the usual stuff, he wasnt getting on with his wife, he had feelings for me he never had for her, they hadnt had sex iin ages, he'd never cheated before etc. turned out that whilst he was telling me all this, he'd booked a surprise second honeymoon for his pregnant wife and had 2 other women on the side at the same time!

All i'm saying is be careful, dont let lust cloud your judgement. I know not all situations are the same and your situation may turn out very differently, but to me this guy sounds like a bit of a cliche.

hope this helps, sorry if i seem blunt i dont mean to (i'm not the most articulate person in the world!) i'd just hate for you to get hurt

Beth xxx

Hi Hun
The best thing you can do is to run a mile from this guy.He is not going to leave his wife and there is no emotional attachment. You have a crush on him and he will eventually use that to keep sleeping with you if he chooses to. I entirely agree that he lis lying about cheating before..it's a sure bet that he has! He has been flirting with other girls hasn't he?!
You start to question your relationship...but you can never see things clearly if you bring MM into the picture. Try and work on your relationship because there are reasons why you slept with another man and reason why you find yourself infatuated by this MM.
I would suggest you make it clear to your boss his advances are not welcome and that you would regard any further advances as sexual harassment.

You will find helpful support on the other board here called MyAffair so repost there and learn from other people's experiences who have been in your situation.
Make the right choices and don't let a mistake ruin the rest of your life.

Thank you Beth and twiceshy.

All very helpful comments- things which to be honest I already knew in my heart of hearts but wanted someone else to say it.

well i couldn't handle the guilt, so i ended it with my bf. what a sorry state of affairs this is. i knew things were going down in my own relationship (I am usually the one that can honestly resist such temptation).  

well thing is this guy is in fact a bit of a flirt- but i also know from other people that i work with that he would never act upon flirting- they have known him many more years than i have. shouldn't they know? plus i asked him after the deed had been done- surely he would have no reason to lie then or am i stupid?

i know i have to be careful, because i honestly do have feelings for this guy which is majorly stupid. it's weird, like the day after, he was still 'into' me if you know what i mean- we stole a couple of kisses (just kips) a couple of times- do people try to keep up the pretence like that? what does it achieve? surely, he would have got what he wanted already, why bother with a kiss that is 'innocent' and leads nowhere?

i'm just lost. i am not going to chase after this guy. i do- i know i'm a hypocrite- feel some sort of respect for his relationship hence my initial resistance to his advances and so understand that he is married etc. i just wish he hadn't chosen me to break his vows. why me? he could have anyone. women flirt outrageously with him and he them but i am not even a flirt like that. why bother with something that was going to be difficult? surely, if he knew my personality, he would have run a mile away cos i scream 'serious' while clearly some others who flirt seek casual. so i don't understand.

Thank you butterfly_goddess

xx

Hi hon

Sorry things didnt work out with your boyfriend, i hope your ok?

With regards to this other man, i'm still not sure about him, its nice (for you) that he's stealing kisses and being flirty with you still, but is he kissing youbecause he has deep rooted feelings? or is he kissing you because he wants to keep you interested? I'm sure he wouldnt say no to another naughty rendezvous with you, i'm just worried that thats all it will be to him, similar to a f*** buddy perhaps.

The way i interpreted your post it seemes to me that you do have feelings for this guy, but i wasnt sure whether you were trying to convince us, or yourself.

If you really want to know where his head is at and how he feels about you then actions speak louder than words, by that i dont mean kisses in the stationary cupboard and a quick "hows your father" at a hotel, cos thats not love and emotion, thats sex. There should be more to it than that, treating you like a girlfriend, being emotionally supportive, taking you out etc.

Then there is the matter of his wife, unless he's going to leave her (which i hate to say it but i dont think he will) then you may have to be content to be the other woman, and the other woman aint a nice place to be, you wont get the same privilages that a wife or a girlfriend gets such as holidays, meeting the parents, christmases together etc.

I would ask him staright out "are you going to leave your wife for me"? if the answer is no, for whatever reason i would proceed with extreme caution.

you also said that you send off serious vibes when you get emotionally attatched and if he wasnt serious aboout you then wouldnt that scare him off? I dont think it would, not at thsi point anyway, the more harder you fall the more willing you will be to try and keep him happy by going along with secrecy, not minding the odd kiss in the cupboard etc. I think onlky if you turn into a bunny boiler will it frighten him off (i'm not suggesting you should try that by the way!)

If he truly cares for you why would he want you to get emotionally attatched to an unavailable man? You also said that nobody else in the office has had an affair with him, how do you know that though? maybe they're keeping it a secret, i'm assuming they dont all know about you either?

i hope i dont come across harsh and balshy, i've just met far too many men like him before

Bethx