Or is anyone else attracted to unavailable men?  Long story, married, separated, living in separate rooms until we can sell and go in our own direction but we're doing our own thing, dating etc.

First up I had an affair with a married man, he was lovely, pursued me gently and made me feel like I was beautiful and attractive (something I'd long forgotten with the soon to be ex husband) but eventually common sense kicked in and I realised it was so destructive and I hated the hurt it was causing and ended it.

Next up a guy kissed me at a conference.  He lives about 3000 miles away (a 10 hour flight!) and although it was just a bit of kissing we email every day even 6 weeks after we saw each other.  I like him, he likes me but we're just 'friends', might see each other in January but he's non-commital.  He's scared of being hurt, doesn't see how this can work and at times is flirty and friendly, other times not so much.  Yesterday he told me he's not seeing anyone at the moment, he's got fed up with the girl he was dating as she keeps messing him about.  Long distance is way too complicated.

So do I have a bad case of fatal attraction to unavailable men?  I am wondering whether I've chosen guys that can't hurt me so much as because of circumstances they can't get too close to me.

And yet I still smile and light up whenever an email arrives from him a squillion miles away...

Hoppity xx

Helllll yesssssss!!!!! You could have been talking about me in that post!!!

My recent track record: Gay (although he did cheat on his boyfriend with me...), another "the campest straight guy" (according to my colleague, but actually I know he's bi as well and that he is so anti-relationship) and the third lives 500 miles away (ok that's nothing compared to your 3000!) and also openly doesn't want a girlfriend.

but I know to be brutally honest, that I see a lot of myself in all of these. I am at the pinnacle of being unavailable - I seem to be incapable of forming emotional attachments with anyone. Twice now I've had to set my Facebook status as ALU is "only going to break break your heart" (i.e. taking from the Taio Cruz song, but with a lot of truth in it) cos a couple of guys have started hitting on me and I'm trying to warn them off. (Hasn't worked unfortunately!)

I wouldn't worry about the conference guy. I think it's perfectly natural that you had a connection and kissed, and the reason you're lighting up every time you get an email is a little bit because it's nice to have the attention, but mainly because you're only seeing the nice side of him. It's very easy to fall for someone you have predominantly online contact with because you fall for what your imagination wants him to be, not who he is in reality, if that makes sense without trying to be too much of a party pooper.

Unfortunately, I have no answers for you, but I'm exactly the same!!!

:-)

It's such a damn mess we create for ourselves.  I know I'm not ready for a full relationship, its way too complicated when still living with the soon to be ex husband but I like the flirting, the feel good factor and a bit of intimacy.  Him who is 3000 miles away is gorgeous, we have a lot in common and a lot that seems to work together but we're never going to get past that distance thing!  I think one of my biggest weaknesses is I'm a romantic daydreamer so can put my head in the clouds and think of seeing a guy again and so on when I know he really isn't thinking about me like that!  I still can't get out over why he's still emailing, seems a bit unusual for a guy especially as we both know it can't be anything more and I don't think he's *that* bothered about it.   If we stopped talking I'd probably let it go a lot easier but then I have to face up to the hard reality of being properly single in about 7 years...no husband, no affair and no long distance flirtation.  Perhaps I'll keep my head in the clouds for a bit longer!

Keep away from the gay ones!  That's taking unavailable a little bit too far :-)

I think when the right person comes along or someone who you just seem to click with then it's time to drop the barriers and let them into your world, bare a little of your soul and let them get to know the real you.  Unfortunatly getting hurt and heartbroken from time to time is just life and it's crap but the art seems to be to learn from it and gradually bounce back.

I'm working on the basis 2009 has been an awful year so 2010 is going to be a vast improvement!

Hoppity x

Hi,

Slightly not a reply, as I'm in a similar situation to you in terms of still living with husband (after 14 yrs) and was wondering what reaction the 'other' men had to this - been separated over 6 months and things bad on and off for 3 years, and I have 3 children. Is your ex dating too - do you each bring people home if u don't mind me asking - I would'nt because of children?

Anyway, when I met someone and saw him for a few weeks, a it tailed off partly because he found my home situation 'weird' and didnt believe nothing was going on between me and ex (same as you we have sep bedrooms, even sitting rooms)?

You do say your long distance guy realises nothing can come of it due to your situation, so maybe its true you've picked him because he's not a viable relationship? I am on a couple of OD sites, and am not short of men to chat to etc, but in a similar way, seem to get(or reply to )the ones who are maybe unsuitable - far too young - have a couple of 30yr olds v keen at mo, and I'm in 40's, so I shouldnt encourage them, plus another guy who my friend is convinced is married - he says to me 'lets have an affair' as he doesnt believe me either!

I'm told its a fairly common situation due to credit crunch, but thats not the reaction I seem to get, it appears to scare a few of them off, and I'm v upfront if I meet them - anyway, I can understand why you enjoy the e-mails/texts if your home situation is stressful as when I get a text etc it really helps as I can look at ex and think 'stuff you, someone else appreciates me' !! I'm almost finding the online dating a bit of a hobby at the mo as like you it would seem odd to be single, although I suppose in reality we both are!!!!

I do have one nice guy on the scene, over 40, had coffee twice and sends me texts, an hoping to go for dinner next week, so we'll see, butthen found myself IM another guy for 5 hours last night as he was also nice, and I had nothing else to do - hey ho, its a distraction as I find the weekend v bad when we are both in house!!!

Maybe u should try the OD and find someone a bit nearer/more available???

Take care and good luck with selling business/house/divorce,

C

xx

Hi Caro

Thanks for the reply. My marriage basically failed as my husband wouldn't have noticed me if I was tap dancing naked on a table and seemed to get much more out of looking for ex girlfriends online. He was never physically unfaithful but emotionally betrayed me so many times....his online chat was pretty full on. My affair started before my marriage was over and the guy was married too (don't shout at me, am not proud of it) but that was all sneaking around. Eventually the husband found out and I told him we were long over and he tolerated my affair as neither if us could walk out on the business.

I've tried online dating but I find it such a disappointment, meet the guys and have just found no spark. I've been upfront about my home situation with the promise that I am trying to sell and one day I would be free. I have said to all dates that I don't want them to set foot in the business to keep those parts of my life separate. It's difficult. I don't know what the husband is up to, I gave up hacking his emails (!) when I ended our relationship, it just caused so much hurt. Neither of us would bring anyone back here when the other was here.

I work on the basis honesty is the best policy and I aim to be upfront with people. The guy who kissed me a couple of months ago I was quick to drop into conversation that I have a soon to be ex husband! Everyone has their baggage, dealing with it is the difficult bit.

Feeling a bit down, busy evening at work, tired, bit of a headache and no emails from him today so letting my imagination run wild as to what he is doing! Talk about self destructive.

Good luck with the dating. Hoppity xx